The Perfect Blend

She is beautiful inside and out and she loves hard and strong.  Don’t mistake her to be a softy she has a feisty flair that will set anyone straight.  She is the glue that bonds us together without her we would fall apart.  He on the other hand is the strong yet silent type.  Not hard to please and the most loving and selfless man you will ever meet.  Together they are my world and every ounce of who I am today has come from them.  They are my Mother and Father my angels and saving grace.  It’s easy for me to get all sentimental when I talk about my parents seeing as we have been through the good, the bad and the extremely ugly.  Through it all we have stuck together and now I consider my parents to be my BEST friends. 

                                                    

Autonomy versus connection is a type of tension that exists in family patterns of connectedness and is more apparent and difficult to manage as a child goes through the adolescent stage (McCornack, 2010,p. 376).  As an only child growing up I was inseparable form my parents.  We did everything together, well maybe not everything but you get the picture.  Family rituals as described in this week’s reading are one of the key factors in keeping the interpersonal communication strong between families.  There were many rituals that we would partake in. One of my favorite weekly rituals that I can still recall was Friday pizza night at our favorite pizzeria joint.  We would order the same thing and one of the most do’s was playing the theme song from the Movie “Ghost,” Mom’s favorite.  Dinner was always followed by a trip to Blockbuster where they would let me rent the same movie “Peppy Long-stocking.” This continued for many years until of course I grew up and starting spending less time with them and more time with my friends.  The text states that about 7^th grade detachment begins and this was the case for me.  Middle school brought a shift to the parent-child balance we had maintained for so many years. ((McCornack, 2010,p.376)  like most kids I was struggling to find my own identity which only amplified as I reached my high school years.  Not only did I want my own identity but I also wanted my own voice and independence.  I wanted to be seen and heard which strained the relationship with my parents.   We began to separate and kind of go our own separate ways despite the fact that we lived under the same roof.  It was as if miles stretched the distance between us.  Eventually I transitioned into adulthood and have since seen the error of my ways.  It is safe to say we have come full circle and during the process have become emotionally closer and connected.  A result that Mccormak states is most likely to occur if there is a strong bond between parents and children prior to adolescent stage ((McCornack, 2010,p.376)

To help us in the process of coming back together we are now utilizing some of the healthy maintenance strategies.  We utilize positivism by trying to remain upbeat an invest the energy to make every encounter enjoyable, we are open with one another and consider trust to be a sacred virtue, an we constantly assuring one another by showing our appreciation, respect and love for each other.  (McCornack, 2010, (p. 374-375) we also utilize what Mccormack states is one of the most important forms of maintaining healthy family relationships: family stories. We frequently rely on these stories to help us remember some of the good, the bad and the very ugly moments we have encountered along the way.  It has made us more appreciative of each other and has also aided in creating a healthy family dynamic that we consider stronger than ever. 

It is safe to say we have found the perfect blend by utilizing some of the maintenance strategies above we have found the perfect equation to a healthy family relationship.  Our interpersonal communication is strong and our connection is even stronger.  Yes it is safe to say that my parents are my best friends and I love them unconditionally.  What about you? How would you describe your family?  Have you had to overcome challenges such as dialectic tensions of autonomy vs. connection or openness vs. protection?  What was the outcome?

Reference:

In second grade, I became friends with this little redheaded girl with a smattering of freckles all over her face. Little did I know back then that she would become one of my closest and longest lasting friends.

Over the years, Chelsee and I have gone through phases of being extremely close and being closer with other friends. I know that we spent a good deal of time together when we were kids and one distinct memory sticks out in my mind; a trip to the zoo with my dad. We both still remember that trip and laugh about the funny pictures we took. As we got a little older, we both became involved in different activities and drifted apart for a few years, but whenever we saw each other, we still talked. In middle school we were friends, but did not see each other as much as we would have liked. Once we got to high school, I convinced Chelsee to join the water polo team.  This guaranteed that I would get to spend more time with my friend; the shared commitment and spending more time together caused us to grow quite close yet again.

As high school wore on, our interests and activities diverged once again. Chelsee became busy with after school jobs and softball, while I was playing water polo in the fall and swimming all winter. Chelsee’s after school job and my practice schedule made it much more difficult to spend time together. We both also had our respective boyfriends intermittently during our high school years, which also diverted our attention and caused problems for our friendship occasionally. Today, we are separated by about 4 hours most of the months out of the year- she goes to school in Indiana, Pennslyvania and I am at JMU. Living separate and very different lives at our respective schools make it difficult for us to be in contact as frequently as we would like. But, I know that I can always count on her when I need someone to talk to and help work out problems. Our friendship has always been like this, we may not be together all the time but we are always available when the other person needs us.

Chelsee and I share what McCornack (2010) calls a communal friendship; we spend time together whenever possible and also rely on each other whenever we need a word of encouragement, some support, or even just a laugh to brighten a bad day. Given that we are separated for most of the year, our friendship also relates to McCornack’s section of the reading about maintaining long-distance friends. He lists several reasons why some long distance friendships survive while others don’t; I can see that many of these reasons pertain to our friendship. These reasons include, we both have always enjoyed being friends, we consider each other’s advice to be sound, any changes that occur in us as people don’t bother either of us and we embrace any changes that do occur, and since we have been friends for so long, we share many memories which help us reconnect when we reunite (McCornack, 2010).

I do not know how I would have survived some of these years if it hadn’t been for Chelsee. Talking recently, we both agreed that this year we would make every effort to visit each other at school. I am looking forward to closing our friendship distance and seeing what my favorite redhead’s life is like while I am so far away.

Do you have a communal friendship that is also long-distance? How do you deal with it? Did you find McCornack’s tips for maintaining long-distance friendships helpful?

Reference:

McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Social exchange theory is, “The idea that you will be drawn to those you see as offering substantial benefits with few associated costs…and whether you think that the rewards they can offer are superior to those you can get elsewhere” (McCornack, 2010, p. 332). 

            To me, you can always find both good and bad qualities in others. Nobody is viewed to have all good qualities or all bad ones.  On second thought, I can probably make an argument against the latter, but that’s a different argument for a different day.

Social exchange theory can be used to explain behavior in all kinds of relationships, but typically focuses on romantic bonds. I view it as being attracted to those you view with the most ‘good qualities’ while having a minimum number of ‘bad’ qualities in return. 

            I never thought too much about social exchange theory before reading McCornack (2009). Looking back, I see how this concept has played a major part in my four years of high school. In the early stages of my high school career, I found myself in relationships (at least that’s what we called them) that were completely different than the relationships I experience now. To put it gently, the first few girls I talked to freshman and sophomore years were, well, really talkative. I would be on the phone with them every night until 2 or 3 in the morning; waiting for them to say goodbye so I could finally go to sleep. Was I listening to what they were saying at all times? No. I was trying to avoid asking questions to end the conversation as soon as possible. 

Those ‘relationships’ died out quickly and I moved on. Towards the end of my sophomore year, I met a girl completely different than the others. It wasn’t easy to get to know her at first because she was shy and quiet. Considering the last few girls I had dealt with, I was intrigued by this ‘new species’ of women I had never met before. Because she wasn’t talking my ear off non-stop, I found myself actually listening to every word she was saying. With my newly acquired skill of listening, I was able to have more meaningful conversations. From there, I was able to get to know her better as a person, which lead to a romantic relationship. Although the actual length of our conversations were shorter, the quality of each interaction was greater, making our discussions much more meaningful.

I saw someone I enjoyed spending time with. Sticking it out and trying to get to know who she was as a person was the best decision I have ever made. Five years later, I am still dating this girl with hopes of that continuing for years to come. I found the benefits she has to exceed previous girls without the cost of pseudo listening. Although we don’t talk on the phone for the same duration, it is made my communication skills better. I find she says things that are important to hear, not just to fill the airspace. If there is silence, I don’t feel like I am getting the silent treatment. I know she is content and has nothing to complain about. I don’t either. I saw substansial benefits to fewer costs than previously, and jumped on the opportunity to take advantage.

Have you found yourself in situations where you used the social exchange theory first hand?

Have you ever had that one crush you let get away and wondered where they were in life now? I was fortunate enough to have my middle school crush ask me out to dinner just this past year. We had not seen each other since he moved away after 8^th grade. We rekindled our childhood crushes after just one dinner and we have now been together for over a year.   What really won me over was while I was busy studying for an exam, very tired and hungry, Tyler ordered a pizza and had it delivered to my apartment.  He called me ten minutes before the deliveryman came with the pizza to tell me there should be a knock on my door.  He was ensuring that I felt over-benefitted in our relationship. Over-benefitted is when one partner receives a lot from one partner without returning the favor and can leave the over-benefitted partner feeling guilty. This seemingly small act was extremely meaningful to me and we’ve been together ever since.

The only down side to our relationship, is that it’s long-distance. The long-distance relationship adds another layer of complexity and, at times, anxiety to a romantic partnership.  Equity is a concept that I never really internalized before reading this chapter. Equity is the balance of benefits and costs exchanged by you and the other person. Equity can be equated to the equality or balance, which measures the proportional justice in a relationship. For there to be a functional and healthy relationship there needs to be a shared sense of contribution in the relationship. In a relationship, individuals need to weigh/consider benefits gained vice contributions made. Benefits and contributions, if not balanced, will create an inequity. When inequities occur one person is going to feel that they are giving more than they are receiving creating a feeling of underappreciated and that they are over contributing.

         I find that in my relationship both Tyler and I are committed to working on making sure that our contributions and efforts in the relationship remain equal. For example, we both contribute to choosing locations or activities for dates, movies, and other activities. It is even more important that we try our best to equally split the driving we do in order to visit each other. We compromise on different weekends and try our best to keep the distance we drive equal. I noticed in some of my friends’ relationships one person usually takes the dominant role and eventually the relationship fizzles out due to the inequity in making the relationship work. It’s hard to image putting a cost or benefit analysis on your relationship, however, it makes a lot of sense. As McCornack (2010) explains, equity strongly determines the short and long term success of a relationship. I would argue that contributes to relationships are not only limited to romantic relationships but to all human relationships. There has to be give and take in every relationship to keep a healthy bond. For friendships, peers, classmates, business relationships- all of these relationships need to find a balance.

                                

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that was inequitable and if so what did you do? Did you terminate the relationship or did work on making it equitable?

References:

     McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication (2^nd ed.). Boston. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s

Yesterday was just another day in the life of a child of the Kunar family. It was my Aunt Debbie’s 58^th birthday and in celebration we went to one of our family's favorite Japanese restaurants, Shiro. My father came home around 6:00 PM to make sure we were ready for our 7:00 PM reservation. Like always, my father was driving us to the restaurant and wanted to make sure that we arrived on time, so we left my house promptly at half past six. Once we turned left onto the main road to Shiro’s, the adventure began. Immediately after turning onto the road, a green Toyota Camry cut us off without signaling. Now before I continue, it’s important to know that my father is a victim of road rage and every mishap on the road turns into the end of the world. So after the Camry cut us off, my father cursed rather loudly and then hit the steering wheel two times. One mile down the road, the Camry cut us off without signaling again. This time my father didn’t react as calmly and started screaming at the windshield and honking his horn at the driver of the Camry. I instructed my father to try and remain calm and just go around the Camry in order to make sure the incident didn’t occur again. Thankfully, we managed to arrive at the restaurant without anymore road-raging events, aside from my father speeding the entire time.

At dinner, everything went according to plan and my family was able to enjoy a nice dinner together, until we ordered desert. Numerous members of my family wanted to have a cappuccino, but they were unable to make them since their cappuccino maker happened to be broken. Outraged, my father was up in arms complaining about how ridiculous it was that they were unable to receive the cappuccinos they wanted and told the waiter that he would be going to Starbucks to get the coffee cup he rightly deserved.

My father’s anger during the car ride and in the restaurant was unnecessary and could have been avoided by using the Jefferson Strategy. The Jefferson Strategy is a concept used to manage anger named after Thomas Jefferson, where individuals take 10 seconds to think before speaking or responding to someone that does or says something that makes them feel angry (McCornack, 2009). By taking these 10 seconds to breathe and think before responding to the stimuli individuals adrenaline, blood pressure and heart rate all get some time to slow, which lets them response to the stimuli in a calmer matter. This method is effective everyday not only in face-to-face interactions but also in online exchanges. Taking a few seconds lets the mind self reflect on the situation at hand (McCornack, 2009). I try to use the Jefferson Strategy in all of my encounters, as I feel it’s the most responsible way to go about interactions with others.

In fact, I used this strategy when talking to my mother earlier today. I was telling my mom that I had to write a blog post for my SCOM 320 class and she said “Well go do it now.” Being that I had just woke up about twenty minutes before this interaction I wanted to say “Shut up mom, I’m going to do it once I get a chance to wake up.” Instead, I took ten seconds to breathe. After doing so I realized she was probably right and instead of telling her to shut up, I went to my room to start writing this post.

The Jefferson Strategy is a great way to make sure your emotions overcome you. Do you use the Jefferson Strategy in times where others make you angry? If so, how has it helped you in a situation where your anger threatened to get the best of you?

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

They say it’s a feeling that only comes once in a lifetime and when it hits you, it shakes you to your core.  As society portrays it we are all searching for that one person that will complete us and make us whole.  A concept that I used to think was absolutely absurd.  We all have our own ideas, concepts and beliefs that define what love means to us.  They are influenced by our culture, gender and our own socializations.  But one steadfast truth that stretches beyond cultural confines is that love can be described as a deep an intense emotion comprised of 3 components: intimacy, caring and attachment. (McCornack, 2010, p. 322) The degree or level that you hold these components can then define the type of relationship you and your partner create.  Because we are complex creatures by nature there are steps we follow to building and maintaining relationships.  This is my focus of this post…the “coming together” aspects of bonding relations. 

 I have always been the skeptic when it came to the matters of the heart.  I would hear couples recall their stories of how they met and just want to gag.  That was until I got a taste of that love potion #9 and now it is safe to say I have been bitten by the love bug.  Although relationship characteristics vary among different unions there is one commonality that exists amongst them. How they come together and in some cases how they fall apart.  I refuse to focus on the second part because I am a girl in love and wish to focus on the more positive. With that said the first step in establishing a relationship is initiation.  My boyfriend and I have attended the same church our whole lives and so according to the mere exposure effect, attractiveness is based on the frequency in which you are in contact with another individual (McCornack, 2010, p.330).  So it should be no surprise that the initiate stage didn’t take long to progress into the experimenting stage.  He reached out to me first with a Facebook message: “How come there are no pictures of you and that pretty smile.”  Lame I know but it caught my attention.  Facebook messages quickly turned to texting and phone conversations.  We engaged in the “small talk” sharing common facts about ourselves and realizing that we actually had some of the same interests.  We began hanging out with one another on a daily basis when our schedules allowed.  I couldn’t believe just how quickly and smoothly we were progressing.  It felt so natural and right.  Our relationship continued on into the next stage of intensifying.  Late night chats of what used to be simple chit chat now turned into true therapy and self disclosure sessions. It also helped to draw us closer to one another throwing us straight into the fourth stage of coming together…integration.  After one year it is safe to say that the love we share continues to grow stronger every day and we truly share a connection that can’t really be described with any amount of colorful words. It is my hope that we will continue right into the last stage of “coming together” in relationship structure known as bonding.  Otherwise known to be the grand finale…Marriage.

 Have you ever had a core shaking experience that has left you weak in the knees?  Reflecting back did you also encounter the same process of coming together as described in this week’s reading, or did you follow another route to building your relationship?

For all you love skeptics out there reading this, it is true what they say…LOVE it only comes once in a lifetime and it is a core shaker.  It’s a mood elevator, an esteem booster, but most of all it’s a self-fulfilling experience that should be appreciated and not treated lightly.  

Reference:

“This is really going to suck.” This is what I thought to myself as I dragged myself out of my house and into my car to drive to UREC. It was the first Tuesday night water polo practice since my boyfriend and I had broken up. Dread set in as I was driving to the gym because Tuesday was the night that the girls and boys teams practiced together.

As I walked into UREC, I tried to mentally prepare myself to be around this guy for 2 excruciating hours. Even though I really didn’t want to see my ex, I knew that getting in the pool, exercising, and spending time with my teammates would help me feel better. “Well, here goes nothing,” I thought as I walked onto the pool deck. After figuring out our warm up for that evening, I hopped straight into the pool and started swimming. The last thing I wanted to do was stand around and torture myself wondering what my ex was thinking or just thinking about our situation in general. Swimming has always provided me with an outlet to clear my head and lose myself in something other than my problems; tonight I was especially grateful for this outlet. After doing our swim workout and during the downtime before we moved onto more drills and scrimmaging, I talked to my friends; we talked about anything and everything that had nothing to do with what was bothering me. Still, even knowing my ex was around put me on the edge; my emotions just under the surface of my (hopefully) cool and calm exterior.

Later on in practice, things got more interesting. The part of practice that I was least looking forward to on this particular occasion had arrived- scrimmage. Unluckily, I was on the team opposite of my ex. Since I can keep up with him and we play complementary positions, I eventually wound up playing side by side with someone I was trying my hardest to avoid and ignore. “Great, so much for being able to focus on anything but my problem,” I thought. I took a deep breath and played like he was any other guy on the team. Unfortunately for me, it was not that easy. When possession of the ball changed on the next play, I hissed at one of my teammates to switch players with me.

My attempt to focus on anything but my ex is an example of attention focus. McCornack (2010) describes attention focus as a strategy used to avoid undesirable emotions that involves paying attention only to certain aspects of an encounter that will not cause those undesirable emotions. This strategy is used to attempt to prevent emotions. Since I knew that I did not want my stream of emotions to come forward in front my team plus the whole boys team, I adopted this particular strategy in order to appear as cool and in control as I could, especially since I had not told many people about what had happened between my ex and I. Although reappraisal is the best strategy for dealing with unwanted emotions, I was not aware of this strategy at the time, nor did I want to deal with my emotions in front of all my friends.

In that particular situation, I think that attention focus was my best bet for getting through practice with my boyfriend since I did not really have the choice to avoid him completely. I am glad to know that reappraisal is the most effective strategy for dealing with unwanted emotions and I will use it in the future if I need to deal with some tough emotions. Luckily for me, our breakup did not last long and I do not need to deal with any extreme emotions around a large group of people. I am also appreciative that I am able to enjoy myself at Tuesday night practices once again.

Have you ever used attention focus to deal with unwanted emotions? Did it work well for you or do you think a different strategy would have been more effective for that situation?

Reference:

McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

It was another evening on the job for me. Nothing was out of the ordinary; the regular paperwork and files to deal with. The biggest part of my job is interacting with the residents of an apartment complex. I can say with confidence that every interaction is not the same, even if the situation and context are similar. Every situation is going to be different because the content, context and people that make up a situation can never be replicated. The people in each scenario are always going to guarantee a different interaction. The content, context and people may even be the same but no interaction can be exactly replicated. With that being said, the person who walked through the door next would throw me for a loop.

One of our residents, lets call him Mitch, came in to get a guest parking pass. Normally, this would be a very simple transaction as far as interpersonal communication is concerned. The procedure for getting a guest parking pass is very simple. What’s the normal protocol you may ask? We must look up the residents’ ledger to insure they do not have a bending balance and then we hand them the parking pass that the resident would fill in with their name, telephone number, apartment number and sign and date the bottom. Now you may be wondering what could have made this next interaction so different?

Well, this particular resident is deaf. In my twenty-one years, I had never met a deaf person. This really throws a wrench into regular communication. The National Communication Association (NCA, 2002) defines communication as “the process through which people use messages to generate meanings within and across contexts, cultures, channels and media” (McCornack, 2010, p. 6). To say the least, my repertoire of knowledge about how to communicate with the deaf was beyond minimal. I do know that some deaf people become proficient in reading lips so I hoped with my effort to speak slowly and pronounce my words clearly that it would be enough to get us through the interaction.  But, I can say that I was honestly intrigued and I did not just want to get through the interaction. I wanted to communicate as best as I could and I wanted to make Mitch feel comfortable. The best thing I knew to do was to smile. I know that whenever I’m interacting with other residents, I tend to ask them how their day is going or some small pleasant conversation and at the very least I say either “thank-you” or “you’re welcome” and “have a good day/night.” I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down a question for Mitch. How do you sign “thank-you” and “you’re welcome.” He signed them both for me. Before he left, he thanked me and I signed back ‘you’re welcome’.

  

After Mitch left, I felt that we had just had a rather successful interaction. My biggest fear would be to accidently make someone feel ostracized. McCornack (2010) wrote about how Hellen Keller became filled with an encompassing sense of isolation because she lost the ability to connect with others. Both Hellen Keller’s emotions and Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs resonated with me. It was not till until I thought about how I would feel if I lost the ability to use words to express my emotions that I realized just how significant of a role verbal communication plays in allowing us be our self and express ourselves as opposed to just being a tool used to communicate with ours.

 Father and son. The son is deaf and has gone on to become a professor at Gallaudet University. 

Before that evening, I had never considered communication seriously without the use of ‘words’. So when faced with the challenge of having to communicate face-to-face without any words, at the risk of sounding cliché, my eyes were opened.

Have you had a personal experience in which you had to communicate with someone and there was some kind of barrier (i.e. deaf, blind, a foreign language)? How did you manage to over come that barrier or were you not able to?

References:

            McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal

            communication (2^nd ed.). Boston. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s

“Why is everyone just standing around while I’m still working?” This is what I wondered to myself one morning at work. My immediate reaction to their behavior was that they were being lazy and just didn’t care if our checklist of tasks to finish this particular morning had been thoroughly completed or not.

This day had started off like every other day at my job; everyone comes in slowly and eventually starts working. Since I have been at my job, I have always tried to get right down to work. I know everything that has to be done, and I know that once all of the morning tasks are completed, I will have some downtime before I have to get back to working. For a while, I simply work on the things that I decide I want to do first on this particular morning. As the time drags on, I begin to pay more and more attention to what everyone else is doing. I see some people still working while others begin talking. As more time passes, fewer and fewer people are still working. I know that at this point, the checklist is probably completed and everyone is looking forward to some downtime. However, in my opinion, there is one task that has not been completed satisfactorily. Now that I am the only one working on this task, I look at my coworkers sitting around and think that they are being lazy and just don’t care about what needs to be done. Next, I think about how I now have to pick up the slack for them and do the job that they quit doing.

My initial thoughts are evidence of my falling prey to the fundamental attribution error. According to McCornack (2010), the fundamental attribution error occurs when we attribute a person’s actions to the way they are instead of to other outside (or situational) factors. People so often commit this error because when interpreting the way someone is acting, their focus is mainly on that person instead of on other external factors. Since my coworkers are standing around doing nothing, I immediately think they are lazy instead of that some external force is driving their behavior. My secondary thoughts about my own actions are evidence of another perceptual bias that goes hand in hand with the fundamental attribution error; the actor-observer effect. McCornack explains this bias as our tendency to attribute our behaviors to external factors.

After recalling this day (since it occurred quite recently) and thinking more about the situation, I can think of some pretty obvious external factors that contributed to the behavior of my coworkers. Mainly, our place of employment was due to open to the public soon after I was having these thoughts. Considering this factor, their behavior made sense; they now had to get ready to really start the day of work and that we had simply run out of time to do extra work on our morning tasks. So, next time I am tempted to jump to the conclusion that my coworkers are being lazy, I should take the time to evaluate the external circumstances that are occurring and know that there is a good reason for the way that they are behaving.

When have you committed one of the perceptual biases mentioned in the textbook? Did your bias create any negative consequences?

Reference:

McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Lights…Camera…Action! Instantly I’m deer trapped in the spotlight.  My mind becomes a whirlwind of mass confusion.  What’s my line again? S*i*t what do I do now?  Embarrassment floods over me as all eyes are on me.  I just stand there for what feels like a life time frozen solid unable to move.  I’m pretty sure I hear the crowd laughing, pointing, and talking amongst them at how ridiculous I look.  Knowing my luck there is someone off in the corner recording every second of this failed attempt to launch my acting career.  Surely it will be posted on Facebook or YouTube I am certain.  I hang my head in defeat and the curtain closes.  Ok…so maybe I have exaggerated just a tad, but regardless, I think it’s safe to say that any hopes of winning the audience over with my bubbly personality and charming good looks would have gone down in flames and not in a good way.

Our self concept is an overall perception of who we are and is heavily reliant on how others perceive us.   In the textbook Reflect & Relate it states that…”one of the biggest influence on your self-concept is the labels others put on you. Sociologist Charles Horton Cooley described the impact that labeling has on our self-concepts as the looking-glass self.” (McCornack, 2010, p. 41).  First impressions mean EVERYTHING and you only get one shot at making a good first impression, at least this is what we are taught from an early age.  For an example take a look at the picture posted above.  When you look at it what’s your first impression? 

 Over the years we have come up with phrases created to cope with our feelings of inferiority and to ease our stress of fitting in. We use them to build up our self worth and esteem…some of these phrases include: “You can’t always judge a book by its cover, “ or “Variety is the spice of life.” We have even gone so far as to unconsciously form two types of self: One with which we keep secret otherwise known as our “private self.”  As the name indicates, these are the facets that we keep hidden or secret.   Then there is our “private self” which is how we want others to view us, otherwise known as our “ideal self.”   I guess you could say that life is merely stage, and simply pu,t we are the actors putting on a show.  Just as actors wear costumes to help transform them into the characters they play, we metaphorically wear a mask that helps us to conceal our “private self;” and displays the character that we want others to know us by.   We follow a daily script of social acceptance through genderalization, socialization and our culture trying very hard not to stray too far from these predestined norms. 

I am reminded of that awkward teenage girl I once was trying so hard to be a part of the “in” crowd and failing miserably.  I think I still carry the scars of the rejection felt back in my high school days that still tend to play a major role in who I am and the public self I try to portray today.  I can already tell SCOM 320 will be a huge challenge for me.  I tend to be the quiet girl in the corner who would rather not be seen or heard but rather just sit back and observe.  I’m not a blogger, a tweeter and setting up a Facebook account was a huge step for me for fear that I would lose some control over the public self I portray to others around me.  I tend to rather enjoy hiding behind the mask and putting on a show for those around me.  Oh and by the way,  would you be surprised if I told you that the man in the picture is not what you would label the life of the party, however, he is a rather shy, introverted guy who I also call my Father.

So if our lives are a stage and we are just merely actors…then at what point do we cut the act and start getting real? 

                                                                                          Reference:

Fields of experience can be defined as, “life experiences, attitudes, values, and beliefs that each communicator brings to an interaction and that shape how messages are sent and received” (McCornack, 2010, p. 10).

I believe this to mean the sum of all communication experiences in one’s life influences his/her values and how he/she goes about future communication; where each interaction is a learning experience for all parties involved.

To me fields of experience is one of the most valuable to the interaction between humans. Growing up, my parents always stressed to me the importance of greeting people. Whether at a family reunion or a BBQ, I would always watch my father shake hands with another man and say to me, “Say hello, Brandon.” Of course I viewed my father telling me what to do as punishment, so I would half-heartedly say hello while staring at the ground.

When I was ten years old this all changed, because I considered myself an “adult” (you know, because my age was now in the double digits). Being an “adult,” I tried to copy everything my father did. At the next family reunion my mother’s cousin came up to greet us, shook my fathers hand, and then turned to me. I shook his hand, looked him in the eyes and asked him, “How are you?” From there, he asked me if I would like some food or a drink. This generosity was thrilling to me; previously all my communication with adults was through my parents. This was the first time in my life I felt a genuine connection with someone because of communication, outside of playing with other kids in my backyard. I learned the value of a handshake, treating others with respect, and how far that can take you.

From that point on, the importance of a handshake and greeting with respect has stuck with me and evolved over time. Now I find myself enjoying company and meeting new people, because I find my openness and kindness to be reciprocated. I used to believe the importance of two men and a handshake was bogus, but now I couldn’t agree more. E-mail, text messages, or phone calls can’t compare to the bond created through a handshake and eye contact. I will never forget this experience because of the instantaneous feeling of gratitude I got from my first handshake. I carry this lesson with me everywhere I go and with every new person I meet. I find myself enjoying the presence of others significantly more, and overall having a better outlook on life. Although this is one of many fields of experience I have had, this is the most important to my growth as a person.

What communication experience influenced your future communication the most? Why? 

Getting to Know You: A Look into the Uncertainty Reduction Theory

Do you have a group of family friends who you don’t really know? I’m a little bit of a mystery to a certain group of my parents’ friends. Growing up, I never attended many of their gatherings, leading to members of the group knowing everyone in my family rather well, but not me. This is because when I was younger I would opt out of going to many of the parties my parents went to with this group of friends since I was very shy.  The times I did go to these gatherings I wouldn’t talk much because the children of these families were always sectioned off into groups.  There were the older boys, who were all four years older than me and would play sports together and then there were the younger girls, who were two years younger than me.

Even though I do not know this group of people well, I attended a graduation party for Stephanie, one of the “younger girls” of the group, this past Saturday. At the party, I saw two people using strategies outlined in Uncertainty Reduction Theory to try and get to know me. Uncertainty Reduction Theory asserts that when an individual meets someone new, they try to attain as much information about them as possible to make their future interactions more fluid (McCornack, 2009). The reason for this is when we are uncertain about the person we are talking to it’s hard to converse openly.

First, Michael (who is one of the people I grouped with the “older boys”) was one person I observed using the theory’s strategies. I was talking to my father about the soccer game that we had watched earlier that day. Michael, who was talking to my brother next to us, stopped his conversation to hear what I was saying about the topic. He was using a passive strategy to gain information about me.  A passive strategy is a technique of the Uncertainty Reduction Theory, where individuals watch someone talk with others to gain information about them and how they interact (McCornack, 2009). This technique helped Michael find out I was a soccer fan, which is information he used later that night to strike up a conversation with me.

Another member of the party, Megan, used an interactive strategy to reduce her uncertainty about me. Interactive strategies are ways to find out about individuals by simply talking to them and asking probing questions (McCornack, 2009). Megan was one of the girls I grouped with the “younger girls” and had never talked to me before. She approached me while I was in conversation with my brother, John, and simply asked me questions. “Where do you go to school? What are your hobbies?” I found this approach to be much more effective, as I was able to connect with Megan in more ways than with Michael. Her ability to ask questions to find out about me helped her start conversations about things that I found interesting and let us move from strangers to friends.

Michael and Megan both used uncertainty reduction strategies to learn about me as a person. Doing this helped us have more fluid interactions the next day when our families gathered again at a bridal shower for the graduate Stephanie’s sister, Danielle. At the bridal shower, I was able to converse with Megan and Michael openly since we where less uncertain about each other and had common ground to talk about.

What strategy do you find most effective in reducing your uncertainty about someone?

Have you ever had someone use passive strategies to get to know you? If so, how did them watching you make you feel?

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.