What's Your Talking Distance? 

Friday, June 3, 2011 - Posted by T.Brannigan

Every day we use verbal and nonverbal communication to send messages to receivers. Nonverbal communication helps clarify our verbal message with things such as hand gestures, body movements, touch, and personal space. Holding a conversion with a person from a different culture, I have found that personal space tends to vary. When I say personal space I am talking about proxemics, which is communicating with others with the use of physical distance (McCornack, 2009).

It was a Friday night and I was introduced to a new friend who happened to be from Spain. I took the lead and told her my name followed by a handshake. Afterwards, she went in for a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek. The hug was not a surprise, but the kiss on the cheek caught me off guard. In a greeting it is something I was definitely not accustomed to seeing. We then proceeded with small talk, but she happened to be too close, which forced me to take slight steps backwards. She was clearly invading my personal space.

When communicating with others, there are four talking distances. The first is intimate space, which is from the range of 0 to 18 inches and usually occurs with close relationships. Remember, I just met her and she was in the intimate range which just made me feel uncomfortable. The second is personal space, which ranges from 18 inches to 4 feet and usually happens when you’re talking with friends. The third is social space, which is from the range of 4 to 12 feet and commonly happens in your work environment or when you meet strangers. Finally, we have public space, which is more than 12 feet and usually takes place during a formal lecture or public speech (McCornack, 2009).

We carried on our conversation and I found a way to adjust to the use of space. When we first started to talk, I didn’t think I was going to make a new friend because of the invasion of my personal bubble. But after I adjusted and focused on our conversation, I found myself sharing a lot of the same interest as her. In the end I’ve made a great friend and we’ve found ourselves hanging out.

So remember, the next time you meet a stranger from a different culture and their use of personal space is different, find a way to adjust, because chances are you’re missing out on making a new friend.

Which range do you feel most comfortable with when meeting strangers?
Why do you think North Americans’ personal space tends to be larger than other cultures?
Can you think of another conversational range we use in North America?


References:
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication.

Bedford/ St. Martin’s

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Family and All It Defines 

Posted by Morgan Seckinger

When you hear the word “family,” what’s the first image that pops into your head? For me, it’s a picture from Leave it to Beaver; an iconic television show depicting a suburban family consisting of two married parents and their two all American sons. But let’s face it, this isn’t the 1950’s and I’ve never seen my mom vacuum in her pearls, so just how realistic is this image to modern families today? The truth is, families come in all shapes and sizes and members do not necessarily have to be biologically related to one another. McCornack (2009) references the definition of family as a group of individuals who create and sustain a common identity, emotional ties, and communication boundaries through how they relate to each other and to others around them. A family is also defined when the individuals share a history together or plans on sharing in their futures (Fitzpatrick & Bazinski, 1994; Turner & West, 1998). This definition encompasses far more than the stereotypical nuclear family as seen in Leave it to Beaver.

Five distinct characteristics separate a family from any other social group. The first is a sense of a unified family identity that is achieved through interpersonal communication. The way you interact with your family, both verbally and nonverbally, varies from your interactions with most others and builds into a family identity. The second is the intense emotional bonds that tie family members together. Because our communication with family members begins in our first stages of life, these bonds are exceptionally important to us; a fact that is demonstrated when we achieve important milestones in our life like graduating or getting a new job. These ties lead us to celebrate the milestones and support one another. The next characteristic deals with our definition of boundaries. The communication boundaries that families create help to distinguish members from outsiders and also distinguish each family member’s role within the unit. As mentioned previously, families also share a history together. This history is often extensive and helps to shape the identity of the family even further. You’ve probably heard your parents reference your ancestors in conversations every now and then. For instance, my mom has always said that ours were “the most spirited Protestants in Georgia.” The last characteristic of a family is what seems to be the most obvious. Families usually share some of the same genetic materials. As gene research develops more and more, traits are being linked through genetics besides physical characteristics, including personality traits (McCornack 2009).

While all of these characteristics apply to my biological family, they also extend to my closest friends (ok we don’t have the same genes but I did say usually in that characteristic). The way we communicate with each other, our ties emotionally, the way we interact; everything adds up to make my second family. I know that when a milestone comes up in my life, they’ll be there along with my biological family to help celebrate and they know I’ll always be there for theirs. So while it’s not Leave it to Beaver, it’s still my family.

Do you think there are other characteristics that make up a family?


References:
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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A Friend is Someone Who... 

Posted by Jamie





No matter what type of friendship you have with another person, each one requires certain maintaining. Being a good friend is not easy and just like a romantic relationship, it requires some work and effort to keep the friendship alive. According to McCormack (2009), we can do this in two ways; by sharing activities and by communicating openly.

Through sharing activities we actively make time in our schedules to spend with friends doing activities together. Whether the activity is a shared hobby (such as going fishing) or simply a leisurely activity (like sitting on the couch watching a movie), by proposing an activity to a friend, you’re showing your willingness and commitment to the friendship and you are therefore maintaining it.

Communicating openly is also imperative to maintaining friendship because self-disclosing to a partner is a major component to any relationship. In order to maintain relationships one has to communicate about his or her life and share their latest updates as to inform the other person on the big changes occurring. Although life may get hectic and schedules may get busy, it is encouraged to at least call your friend and share these exciting details with them; even if it is only a short conversation. Along with sharing your own news, it is important to ask about your friend’s latest news too and convey your interest in the changes occurring in his or her life. By communicating even the tiniest details of your life to friends helps maintain trust. Your friend will see you as a person that they can rely on and come to if they need to share something important or need someone during a difficult time. Similar to sharing activities, by making an effort to create openness in a friendship one is showing commitment to the friendship and an eagerness to maintain the relationship.

Wouldn’t it be nice if it was as simple as just doing these two things? It seems like it should but when you think of all of the responsibilities we have and all of the time we invest in our work and relationships with families and significant others, it is amazing that we have time to work on our friendships at all. Maybe that is why over time some friendships seem to come and go while only a few strong ones in which you invest your time on seem to withstand. We cannot get discouraged by the friendships that may have been lost over the years but rather continue to be devoted to current friendships and actively work to maintain them.

Is sharing activities a more important maintenance strategy than openness or vice versa? Is it possible to maintain a friendship by utilizing one strategy alone? Do certain genders tend to use one strategy more than the other?


References:

  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Communication Competence 

Posted by conorw90
We have all had that one professor or teacher who has influenced our lives for the better. They could have inspired us different ways or encouraged us in our academic pursuits, but whatever the case, most people have a favorite professor that has had a positive impact on their life. In my sophomore year at JMU, I had an ethics class with a professor who was far and away, the most influential educator I’ve ever come across. I’ll admit that he wasn’t an orthodox teacher, which means he didn’t read word for word from power-points or expect you to memorize a list of vocabulary words for a weekly test, but through his straight-forward nature and his exceptional communication competence he managed to make an impact on his students.

Interpersonal communication competence is when a speaker is able to communicate in ways that are appropriate, effective, and ethical (McCornack, 2009). Appropriateness is when communication follows the accepted norms and customs of society, effectiveness refers to how successful you are at accomplishing your objectives, and ethics refers to whether or not your communication style respects and values other people. When I judge my teacher on these three criteria I admit that he only fits well into two of them, but didn’t exactly fit the appropriateness factor. He used profanity often in the classroom and as much as it did not bother me, he said that in the past he has had people complain about his habit (which he tries his best to oblige). It was never over the top profanity, but it is something that normally doesn’t occur in most classrooms as often as it did in this one. I would classify him as a low-self monitor because he wasn’t that sensitive to presenting himself in a more professional manner (unless it really offended someone). He believed more in having informal conversations and discussions with the class where people could speak openly about their opinions, and didn’t believe that he should not discuss important material if it was considered inappropriate or controversial. In terms of effectiveness, he was always extremely successful in getting his point across to the class and getting them to understand concepts in terms of their real-world applications and not just as answers on a test. And seeing how he was a very good ethics teacher, we can just go ahead and say that he treated everyone in the class with respect and valued their opinions. Even though he may not have fit the norm in terms of his appropriateness, I still believe he is one of the most competent communicators I have ever witnessed. I actually believe by acting out of the norm at times, he got more of a response from his students who normally would just be texting behind their notebooks. By challenging and shocking the class he got everyone to participate and take advantage of their education, which is something you don’t see in many classrooms.

Does a person need to follow all three of the criteria of a competent communicator to be successful?


References
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Managing Grief 

Posted by conorw90

It was a cool October morning just like any other during my freshman year at JMU. I was walking back to my dorm from class when I got a phone call from my mom, which was extremely unusual this early in the morning. When I picked up I didn’t even hear an answer for a few seconds until I could quietly hear her sobbing as she told me that my cousin had passed away in a car accident early that morning. She couldn’t talk much more than to tell me she loved me and that she would be calling me later in the day so we ended our talk and I immediately headed for a bench to sit down. Something was wrong. As sad and heartbroken as I was, for some reason I wasn’t crying. I admit I’m not the kind of person who tears up easily but in this situation I would’ve thought it would be extremely easy to cry and let my emotions out. During the following weeks, I was emotionally down, but still I hadn’t cried and let my emotions out. I thought that there was something wrong with me and I thought badly of myself, thinking that I must be some kind of awful person to not cry about the death of my cousin who was only 3 days older than myself. In fact, I didn’t cry until I saw my cousin’s father at the funeral. When I saw him and thought about the pain he must be going through I cried for the first time and it felt good.

Grief is defined as the intense sadness following a substantial loss (McCornack, P.139). This was the first time in my life that I can say I had experienced grief because was the first death in my family that I can actually remember and because of this I didn’t really know how to handle it. I eventually used the concept of emotion-sharing to help ease my pain and release the pressure it was putting on me. Emotion-sharing is talking about your grief with other people who have similar experiences or who are trained to help you (McCornack, P.139). My girlfriend at the time became very supportive of me and was my outlet for my issues because there was no one else I felt comfortable talking to about it. The textbook talks about how just the feeling of being connected with others can be helpful in getting over these problems. This was especially helpful for me because I felt as if I was alone with no one to hear my problems.

Have you had any situations involving grief where you felt as if you were alone?

What did you feel was the best way to deal with it?

References

  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Romance on the Playground 

Saturday, May 28, 2011 - Posted by Casey Edwards

I was three years old in pre-school when a boy in my class came to school dressed in a suit and tie to impress me. He gave me a flower and his parents insisted to mine that we have a play-date. My father has told me this story over and over again ever since I can remember; laughing each time he does. He describes seeing the boy all dressed up when he dropped me off at school and got the biggest kick out of it. This is my first memory of a romantic relationship. I’m sure everyone has stories similar to my own. Kissing the boy you had a crush on in the playground, calling the girl you like on the phone (landline…remember those?) and many other firsts that come with the experience of romance.



Interestingly enough, our textbook says that children as young as 4 have reported passionate love towards others. Passionate love can be defined as “a state of intense emotional and physical longing for union with another” (McCornack, 2009, p. 322). This type of love is different from liking someone, and there are many different types of romantic love. From the first time you kiss your new partner, an experience filled with butterflies and excitement, to thirty years later when that same partner has become your companion in life, sharing heartache, joy, and many other life experiences.

How do you feel romance changes over the years after being with one person? And are those later years still considered “romantic”?

Romantic relationships, which can be defined as “a chosen interpersonal involvement forged through communication in which the participants perceive the bond as romantic” (McCornack, 2009, p. 326), have several key elements. Perception, diversity, choice, tensions, and communication are the core aspects that make up a relationship. First, the people in the relationship must perceive themselves as being in one. These perceptions must also be similar. One party cannot see the relationship as casual and the other sees it as committed for it to be considered a relationship. Diversity has to do with the fact that all genders, ethnicities, and sexual orientations fall in love in the same way. Choice means that each party has the choice to enter into the relationship. Tension describes the contradictions and contrary versus opposing tendencies in a relationship. And lastly, interpersonal communication, which is used to forge relationships and maintain them once a person has entered into a romantic relationship.

Although my first experience with romance didn’t exactly qualify as a romantic relationship, it was the start to learning about the way the sexes interact with each other when they like someone a little bit more than a friend. From passion to companion, romance is crucial aspect for each person to fully find joy in life.

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want 

Posted by higginsmk
My parents always told me that you have to give in order to receive. The key components to achieving success in a healthy romantic relationship are to carefully evaluate the costs and rewards. Each of the different costs and rewards are what attracts you to someone. You are more drawn to those you feel offer more rewards as opposed to more costs. The goal to having a happy and successful relationship is equity and balance. Here’s a little math for you! REMEMBER: RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION = OUTCOMES- COMPARISON LEVEL (McCornack, 2010). The comparison level is the expectations you believe you should receive in that particular relationship. So, with that said, you want your outcomes to outweigh what you expect. SIMPLE. You want things to be better than expected; we’ve all learned that throughout the years.

For the last twenty-one years of my life, I can honestly say that I have not had any lengthy or serious relationships of my own. But, I have observed other relationships as a third party. From best friends to family members, I have watched relationships develop and crumble. What I’ve learned is that if you measure the costs and rewards you will achieve a perfect balance (McCornack, 2010). Here are a few of the different costs and balance one should understand when it comes to initially starting a relationship.

*Emotional rewards- These are positive feelings of love, warmth and happiness in a relationship. They satisfy the need of safety in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. These are usually what makes or breaks a relationship (Cherry, 2011).

*Emotional costs- These would be the opposite of emotional rewards. These are the negative feelings of love and warmth or lack there of emotional support (McCornack, 2010).

*Social rewards- These rewards are all about engaging in fun activities with that significant other. You finally get to test out that new hiking trail down the street or go on the trip to Texas you two have been talking about (McCornack, 2010).

*Social costs- These are activities each of you do not enjoy and spend too much of your time doing. These activities would include doing taxes, paying the bills or going to work parties. Spending fun time together is what makes the relationship grow, if you don’t spend time doing things you both love you do not grow as a couple together you just grow separately as two different people (McCornack, 2010).

*Instrumental rewards- This would be the basic to a relationship. This is being in the relationship because you love that person and want to be with them. It revolves around equality of task distribution and work distribution (McCornack, 2010).

*Instrumental costs- As opposed to the instrumental rewards this means that relationship is lasting because one feels they are responsible for doing it. This has become more frequently recently with the increase in teenage pregnancies. Many males feel that they must stay in the relationship or even rush to marriage because it is the “right thing to do.” But that is wrong, relationships don’t last that are built because they “have to be” they are built because they “need or want to be”(McCornack, 2010).

*Opportunity rewards- Opportunity rewards are what make relationships last, this is doing something you could not otherwise do if you were not in the relationship. This happens a lot when individuals are given the opportunity in their career to advance. Your relationship is something that should be able to last through this drastic change in your life (McCornack, 2010).

*Opportunity costs- This is giving up something important to you for the success of the relationship. It can range from a career opportunity to relationships with your friends and family. Success of a relationship is all about balance (Cherry, 2011).

Though these relationship objectives may seem simple when written out on a piece of paper, they’re not. You have to balance your work, your friends, your family and your relationship. If one of these costs outweighs its reward, then it may be time for you to step back and reconsider the relationship. Is it worth continuing or do you think you two can work on creating a more balanced relationship for each other?



If you’re in a relationship, have you ever taken into consideration all of these costs and rewards and balanced them to make sure one partner was not over benefitting while the other was under benefitting?

Reference:

Cherry, K. (2011). Hierarchy of needs: Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Retrieved from http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm
McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate. New York, New York: Bedford/St. Martins

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What Keeps a Relationship Alive? 

Friday, May 27, 2011 - Posted by T.Brannigan
Passion is one of the leading forces that helps keep a relationship alive. When you experience passion, you will fill positive emotions including: joy, surprise, excitement, amazement, and sexual attraction. The one emotion that truly contributes to the meaning of passion, however, is surprise. In the beginning of your relationship, you and your romantic partner will keep each other guessing. The disclosing of personal information on spontaneous unplanned dates adds to the guessing factor. However, there will come a time when your relationship will become predictable (McCornack, 2009).
 

Predictability in a relationship can become a threat if it’s excessive. Some couples can find themselves becoming less desirable to one another. Being intimate can also become null and void. So, it is primarily up to both individuals to keep their relationship from falling into an unexpected pattern of events.

In order to keep a relationship alive when you feel your communication skills have run a different course and the passion has found its way to the dead zone, you need to regroup. Try planning a romantic getaway. Pull out all the stops with no interruptions. Take the time to remember what it was that really brought the two of you together. In the end you, need to make the situation or the event you are planning truly unexpected. “People who elicit our passion are those who communicate in ways that deviate from what we expect” (McCornack, 2009, p. 137).


My mother is somebody I admire and seek to for advice. After the passing of my father, she was a widow for a good ten years. Raising my brother and I was no easy task. I can say she succeeded because my brother is now an engineer and here I am going into my senior year of college. That is all beside the point because she found love again and got remarried.

I was able to watch my newlywed parents’ loves grow for each other. My step-dad would constantly leave romantic notes around the house to remind her of their love. Their relationship in the beginning was also filled with many surprise getaways. They would spend a lot of valuable time together and you would always see them laughing. This laughter would soon hit a speed bump in their relationship.

The affection they had towards each other was changing and they started to argue over seemingly trivial things. You could tell that their passion for one another was slowly fading away. When my step-dad reached out to me for advice, I knew they were at that point where some break things off and others continue. After some positive advice from family members, it was like he felt revived. My step-dad regained his spark and brought back his adventurous side. He took my mother on unplanned camping trips and would replace his note- leaving with random flowers. I wouldn’t say that their relationship is perfect, but they are both trying to find ways to keep each other guessing. Again, communicating with the acknowledgement of passion for one another will always be inviting in any relationship.


So, remember the next time you are in a relationship and your passion towards each other begins to fade, don’t give up, find some new ways to keep each other guessing.



Do you think a relationship can survive without passion? Explain.
How would you handle the fading away of passion in your relationship?
In what ways would you keep your partner surprised?





References:
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Bedford/ St. Martin’s

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Characteristics of Verbal Communication 

Posted by Emma Crutchfield

Imagine you are stranded alone on a deserted island; No one to confer with, no one to help you, no one to keep you going. Do you go crazy with loneliness, or do you remember Tom Hanks in Cast Away and make your own Wilson? I don’t know about you, but I would definitely make my own Wilson. Wilson provided “Chuck” with an outlet for verbal communication, which was necessary for mental stability and perseverance. “Don’t worry Wilson, I’ll do all the paddling. You just hang on” (Cast Away, 2000).

Verbal communication is essentially using language while interacting with others. Though the word “verbal” may imply it must be spoken, verbal communication can bridge through multiple media, including email and phone conversation (McCornack 2010).There are five characteristics of language. Specifically, language is….
-symbolic-we use words as symbols representing people, places, feelings, etc.
-governed by rules- Rules govern meanings of words and structures of sentences.
-flexible- People often change words to mean other things, “cool” can mean cold or good.
-cultural- All cultures have different ways of communicating whether it be language change or social norms.
-always evolving- We are constantly adding new words to our vocabulary. Fun fact, “Bootylicious” was recently added to the dictionary!

Recently, my best friend and I moved into a new apartment with a foreign exchange student from China. We were worried we would overwhelm her with all of our stuff and our (sometimes) crazy personalities, so we tried to tone ourselves down when we went to introduce ourselves. We quickly learned, after a night of chatting with her, that in her culture, it was considered strange to be the first person to introduce yourself. She was happy that we had come to her because, as she said, she would have been incredibly uncomfortable coming to us. She also noted that her culture in China is vastly different from America, especially in the sense that in China language is used more for brief communication, not as a long, evolving series of verbal events. She said she had never just talked with someone for hours until she came to JMU. Apparently, these new conversations have exposed her to new ways of thinking and have helped her settle in with her sense of self.

Verbal communication is vital for life and emotional well being. “Chuck” needed “Wilson” to get off the island to safety, and YaoYao needed verbal communication to learn about a new culture. Because verbal communication and language affect our lives so immensely, it helps to understand their components.


Discussion:
1. What are some words you use day-to-day that may not necessarily be in the dictionary but others accept as a real word?
2. What would you name your “Wilson” if you were stranded on a deserted island?
3. Could you go an entire day without any verbal communication?


Reference:

-Broyles, William. Cast Away. 2000. Movie

-McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal

communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Love: Logical or Emotional? 

Posted by Brittany

“I couldn’t help it, I was head over heels!”
“I knew the minute I met her that I’d marry her!”
“I don’t care what anyone else says, I love him!”
We tend to think of love as a whirlwind, swooping us up in an uncontrollable gust of fate and passion. But the truth is, falling in love is predictable. It’s easy. It’s mechanical. Or at least that’s what the experts say.
The summer after my sophomore year of college, I stayed in my college town to work. I met a co-worker (we’ll call him Kevin) and soon I found myself spending almost everyday with him, working long shifts. We’d work 8 to 10 hour days, sometimes full of idle time, which then led to idle chat, which then led to deep conversation. We quickly became accustomed to each other. We could communicate through glances and gesture. We spent so much time together; we literally didn’t even need to use words to talk.
The mere exposure effect, a theory that predicts people fall for those they spend the most time with, would suggest that Kevin would be a prime candidate for my affections (Bornstein, 1989). Proximity plays a huge role in the people we choose (or not) to love. When we are exposed to the same people regularly, we evaluate them more highly than those we rarely spend time with. Kevin and I were nearly tied at the hips, spending all waking hours working together and evenings hanging out since hardly anyone else was left in town.
We’d put on Pandora when cleaning at work, and when he put on his “Modest Mouse” station, I high-fived him over our shared taste in music. From there the similarities kept coming: we liked the same kind of movies, the same t.v. shows; we shared common views on friendships, family and relationships. The similarities were uncanny. We became best friends in a matter of weeks.
What I didn’t know at the time was that this was the beginning of a complicated courtship, and Kevin was falling victim to he birds-of-a-feather effect, a theory that suggests that we’re attracted to those we perceive as similar to ourselves (Brehm et al., 2002). These similarities range from likes and dislikes, values and parallel personalities (Neimeyer & Mitchell, 1988). Obviously, some traits are more important than others. For example, similar taste in music does not guarantee life-long happiness; if two people share totally different value systems, the relationship will dissolve eventually over fundamental differences. Likewise, small differences are easy to overcome if the couple shares similar values.
Romantic attraction has two more characteristics: physical attraction and resources. I would write about Kevin and I again, but I feel weird discussing my own attractiveness or amount of resources. Instead I’ll explain what these mean in terms of romantic relationships. Obviously, physical attraction is a huge indicator in predicting the blossoming of a romance. Resources, though, refers to the things we can offer to our partners: stability, money, care, sex, affection. If we perceive a person to have a lot of resources to offer, we’re more attracted to them (Kelley & Thibaut, 1978).
Unfortunately, while these four dimensions were enough to convince Kevin that we should be together, I never felt the burning passion or jittery butterflies that a person feels when they’re falling in love. So, maybe love isn’t as mechanical as the experts say?
What do you think? Is love too emotional to be this logical? Can the love you’ve experienced be explained by these phenomena?
Bornstein, R. F. (1989). Exposure and affect: Overview and meta-analysis of research, 1968-1987. Psychological Bulletin, 106, 265-289.
Brehm, S. S., Miller, R. S., Perlman, D., & Campbell, S. M. (2002). Intimate relationships (3rd ed.). Boston: McGraw-Hill.
Kelley, H. H., & Thibaut, J. W. (1978). Interpersonal relations: A theory of interdependence. New York: Wiley.
Neimeyer, R. A., & Mitchell, K. A. (1988). Similarity and attraction: A longitudinal study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 5, 131-148.

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Grief; What it is and how we help others experiencing it 

Posted by Jamie




Grief. It is such a small word that represents such an all-encompassing emotion that most of us have either felt first hand or have watched someone close to us go through. It’s an awful emotion and unfortunately as McCornack (2009) says, there is no magic pill that can erase the pain of losing a loved one.

According to McCornack(2009) we cannot have long-term relationships with another person without experiencing the loss of someone close to us. This loss can either be through death, illness, separation, divorce, or some other event. And unlike some other emotions that only stay with us for a fleeting moment, grief often stays with us for a long time and can be continually triggered by experiences that remind us of the person we lost. The key way to manage one’s grief is through emotion-sharing; talking about your grief with loved ones or others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar pain.

It can also be difficult for friends and loved ones to watch a person that they care about go through the grieving process. We want so much to help them, to say just the right thing that might ease their pain for a moment, but what is that exactly? How do we react around that person? What if we say the wrong thing?

The best thing to do to help others manage their grief is to engage in supportive communication. When you see a loved one experiencing grief, sometimes their first inclination is to suppress their feelings and hold their pain inside. This can be detrimental and cause future stress-related problems. It may sound cliché, but sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone is to simply be there for them. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, supportive communication involves exactly as its title says; support for the person experiencing grief. Expressing your willingness to help the person can make the biggest difference and may help that person realize that they are not alone.

I can remember being 13 years old and witnessing grief first hand. In a matter of one week, my best friend lost her father, another close friend lost her sister, and my family lost a close relative. It seemed as if death was all around me and at 13 I had no idea how to react to such situations or help those I cared about. I can still remember going to my one friend’s house who had just lost her sister. At the time it seemed as if I was doing the traditional things done when someone you know was going through grief; I went to their house to “express my condolences”, brought a dish of some sort for them to eat, and simply listened as the family talked about the loss they were experiencing. As I was leaving and saying my goodbyes, my friend’s mom gave me a hug and began to cry as she thanked me for stopping by. She told me how much it meant to her that I came to show my support and how it helped to have someone listen. To me, my actions felt insignificant and I wished so much to do something more, but to my friends mom who was experiencing one of the worst losses a parent can experience I was providing comfort and support.

Grief is not an easy situation for either the person feeling the pain of losing a loved one or the person on the outside wishing to offer comfort. There is no “quick fix” and when approaching grief both the griever and the person offering help must know this. Just as I experienced when I was 13, sometimes all we can do is offer a shoulder to cry on and convey to that person experiencing loss that they have the support of those who love them.

Is there such a thing as too much support when helping another deal with grief? If so what actions are considered appropriate to help another manage grief and what actions are considered inappropriate?


References:

· McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.





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Social Networks and Romantic Relationships 

Posted by Morgan Seckinger

You’ve just gotten back from dinner and your best friend tells you how much she enjoyed meeting your new boyfriend. You’re ecstatic and can’t wait to tell him that he hit it off with everyone. This is an important stage in a relationship and a reassuring sign for you.

When a couple has support from their friends and family, also known as their social network, the relationship is more likely to survive. It’s important to show your support by expressing how much you like your partner’s family and friends or inviting them out with the two of you. Showing this kind of support helps to affirm your partner’s social network and create a deeper bond within your relationship (McCornack 2009).

In considering the beneficial ways to show your support, you should also be aware of the deconstructive side. Debilitating your partner’s social network can be as easy as saying critical or hurtful things about his or her family and friends. Going out of your way to avoid them won’t get you anywhere either. And these actions repeated over time will likely cause a serious problem in your relationship (McCornack 2009). If you really don’t like your partner’s friends or family it’s still necessary to realize that they probably mean a lot to him/her and to follow the “if you can’t say anything nice…” rule.

This concept is especially important today when social networks are being expanded by technology. Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace have their ups and downs when it comes to maintaining our relationships ,but it’s looking like they’re starting to take a toll specifically on our romantic relationships. Sure, it’s convenient when that constant communication is available and you always seem to know what your partners up to just by getting online, but that could be part of the problem. Even though American divorce rates have stayed the same in the last decade at about 40%, Facebook is now being cited as a leading cause in more and more divorce cases. Photos taken from the site are being used as evidence in court as well as printouts of posts and conversations (Adams ,2011). That being said ,social networking sites are still influential in maintaining a positive relationship with your partner as well. Using e-mail, texting, or Facebook to send your partner a positive message during the day can boost both of your feelings towards one another. Sharing a fun piece of news, telling a joke, or telling him or her you’ve made the dinner reservations for that night can be great midday pick me ups. Little surprises like this can go a long way in illustrating your interest in the relationship (McCornack ,2009).

This was a strong point in my last relationship. I could always count on a random text message every now and then just to let me know that he was thinking about me and I tried to reciprocate with other small gestures here and there. Fortunately, we both got along with each other’s parents and loved being around each other’s friends, which made it much easier to show our support for the other’s social networks and consequently led to a stronger relationship between us. If we hadn’t have been so fortunate with one another’s social networks, things may have been a little trickier but following some of those simple guidelines mentioned earlier would certainly have helped.


Have you been in a relationship where you didn’t get along with the other person’s family or friends? Did a social networking site help or hinder your relationship with that person?


References:
Adams, R. (2011, March 8). Facebook a top cause of relationship trouble, says US lawyers. Guardian UK, Retrieved from http://www.gaurdian.co.uk/technology/2011/mar/08/facebook-us-divorces

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal
communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Managing Sadness 

Posted by Skibum



The emotional impact of losing a loved one can be absolutely devastating, and unfortunately it is an event that everyone will have to face at some point in their lives. The only positive aspect of the situation is its commonness and regularity. What did I just say? A horrible event is positive in its regularity? Let me clarify that last statement. The fact of the matter is that such an event does not discriminate. Therefore, we are left with the unlikely benefit that everyone around (to some varying degree) has shared a similar experience. In essence, a person grieving a loss is blessed with an endless support group to help manage their emotional sadness, because everyone has felt or will feel those feelings at some point.


For example, I recently witnessed a co-worker dealing with the emotional stress of managing his sadness due to the unexpected loss of his mother. As it seems to be the case in these types of situations, I could sense the suppression of the emotion he was truly experiencing. He is normally a very expressive, extroverted individual who you can always count on to provide lively and open conversation. However, in the days after the loss, he retreated into his office and closed his door to a mere crack. This action was an obvious hint that he was present (physically but not mentally), and he was definitely not interested in sparking interaction. When the occasional interaction did occur, he became almost robotic in his responses. He would systematically go through the motions of talking about preparations for the service, closing open accounts, and dealing with the family estate. However, direct questions regarding feelings and emotions would immediately be deflected back to one of these non-emotional topics. This dramatic change of behavior was creating an emotional barrier to help him keep the sadness out. Although the suppression is understandable, the blocking out of the pain doesn’t actually address the problem. How could I have broken through to help him manage his sadness appropriately?


First, let us understand the approach to emotional management our friend and co-worker was utilizing. It is apparent that his behavioral changes were specific strategies employed for the purpose of preventing emotions; strategies such as encounter avoidance, which refers to staying away from people who will provoke emotions, encounter structuring, which refers to avoiding specific topics that will provoke emotions, and attention focus, which refers to intentionally focusing on aspects that will not provoke emotions (McCornack, 2009). By understanding his perspective, it is clear that questions like “How are you holding up?” will ultimately lead to one of these prevention strategies mentioned. Instead, a better tactic would be discussing your own personal shared experience with grief, called emotional-sharing (McCornack, 2009). The empathy shared by those who went through similar situations reinforces that he is not alone in his sadness. Others have felt has he does now, and have successfully managed their way to better times.



In my life, I have not experienced a saddening event as substantial as that of my co-worker. However, I understand that the loss of someone close to me is inevitable. When that time comes, I will rely on the shared emotions of others in my support group to help comfort the sadness. Will you rely on others, or do you think it is best to manage grief alone and let time heal all wounds?


References:McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: an introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s

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