“Stop acting like a girl!” “Man up!” “You’re such a tomboy!” These are just a few quotes we use on a daily basis to describe gendered communication styles. You notice this when a male is being sensitive or a female is aggressive. Gender codes create rules for how men and women should function in our society. They set the tone for power balance, conflict, and other forms of communication. McCornack (2009) asserts that “the defining distinction between the genders has been men’s power over women” (p. 294).
The cultural script for romantic relationships follows the same gender codes found in all other aspects of our lives. According to Wood, the four main points of the script are that [1] feminine women and masculine men are desirable, [2] men should initiate, plan, and direct most activities in a relationship, [3] women should facilitate conversation, generally defer to men, but control sexual activity, [4] men should excel in status and earning money, and women should assume primary responsibility for the relationships (219). Wood asserts that this script is continually played out in many heterosexual relationships. McCornack states that power in interpersonal relationships reveals itself in men’s tendency to expect women to listen attentively to everything they say while men select the topics they wish to attend to when women are speaking. “Whereas men may feel satisfied that their voices are being heard in their relationships, women often feel as though their viewpoints are being ignored or minimized, both at home and in the workplace” (McCornack, 2009, p. 295).
Gender codes also affect how we deal with conflict. McCornack (2009) believes that traditional gender socialization creates challenges for men and women as they seek to constructively resolve conflicts (p.309). As we can see, men and women are socialized to communicate differently. He continues to explain how women are encouraged to avoid and suppress conflict while men learn to adopt competitive or even violent approaches to interpersonal clashes. These communication expectations allow each gender to prove femininity or masculinity. The demand-withdraw pattern is a very popular default resolution to conflict management within interpersonal relationships. One person demands to discuss the issue (usually the woman) while the other withdraws from the situation (usually the man).
I find this topic particularly interesting. As I’ve said before, I have many male friends. Although you would think these gender codes would be the same in those relationships, I actually think it’s the opposite. All of my friends look to me for advice and I’m always willing to listen to their problems but I rarely express my emotions. Within my friendships, I tend to be the one who withdraws while my male friends demand I discuss my issues. The same is true in my romantic relationships. One of my good friends is always trying to get me to talk but I won’t budge. He always tells me that in many ways I “act like a guy” which means I’m not emotional or hardheaded. Even though we all know men and women communicate differently, I find it interesting how our interactions change depending on the type of relationship.
McCornack (2009) challenges, given that gender can sometimes interfere with constructive conflict management, reconsider how you approach conflict with men and women (p.309). In what ways do you believe you abide by these gender codes? Do you have any particular relationships that changes your approach and if so why?
McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.
Wood, J.T.(2013).Gendered lives: communication, gender, and culture.(10th
ed.).Belmont,CA: Wadsworth.
