All of our routines may have been different on graduation morning, but for each of us, the end goal was the same. We wanted to walk across that stage (without tripping), we wanted to be handed a diploma, and we wanted to throw those silly caps into the air.

         Graduation had arrived sooner than I anticipated. I was part of my class board and was partially responsible for making sure things ran smoothly. To make matters more anxiety-ridden, I had been asked to give the farewell address at graduation only two weeks prior. There was no time to be shell-shocked. I buckled down and hammered out a speech. One of the class board supervisors was the only one to read and edit my speech before thousands of people would hear it for the first time on stage at the Patriot Center at George Mason University.

         On the morning of June 24^th, 2009 I gave a speech in front of the biggest audience I had ever had to address. The valedictorian’s speech before me was a disaster. She attempted to use an alarm clock as a prop in her speech and it ended up going off several times (which was completely unplanned) and it also vibrated and fell right off the podium. I felt horrible for her, but thought at least if I didn’t completely bomb my speech, mine would be considered a success.

With knots in my stomach and a dry mouth, I approached the podium. I mentally blocked everyone out and told myself that it was just me giving the speech in a rehearsal run. I kept reminding myself to slow down and make sure I pronounced each word clearly. I breezed through my four-minute speech with only one little hiccup. As I climbed down the stairs to reach my seat, my heart started to race. I wondered if I sounded okay, if my speech was appropriate, and if it was effective.

According to McCornack (2010), interpersonal communication competence means consistently communicating when you meet the criteria of appropriateness, effectiveness and ethics. Appropriateness is defined as your communication following the accepted norms. It is the degree to which your communication matches situational, relational, and cultural expectations regarding how people should communicate. An easy way to remember this is what should or shouldn’t be said during a communication act. For my farewell address I knew that talking about us as a class growing older and being successful was something that should be talked about. However, it would not be appropriate to talk about all of my personal stories through high school, any rumors I had heard, or gossip.

Effectiveness is defined as being able to achieve your goals through your communication. There are three kinds of interpersonal goals; self-presentational goals, instrumental goals, and relational goals. I placed greater emphasis on the instrumental goal as I wanted the class of 2009 to walk away with a feeling of accomplishment and optimism for the future. I achieved each of these goals in my speech, which was confirmed by my classmates’ and their parents’ compliments. 

Ethics as part of interpersonal communication competence is defined by your ability to treat people fairly in your communication. Ethics is set by a standard regarding moral behavior. Ethics can be easily applied to communication, if you remember what ethics means in life. Treating people with respect, worthiness, honesty and kindness are ways in which to illustrate ethics. When I was writing my commencement speech and in its delivery, I was able to incorporate and represent standards of moral behavior that I felt represented the class of 2009 as a whole.

This speech may have been given to an audience that was a little larger than what most communication scholars would consider interpersonal communication but I feel as though the occasion and setting for the speech called for it to seem as though it was interpersonal communication. For that reason I kept in mind the 'guidelines' for competent interpersonal communication. 

Do you feel that you have interpersonal communication competence? When is a time that you feel you did and did not? 

References:

The college decision process is a daunting task for any high school senior. The year moves so quickly and you graduate before you know it. Spending your time researching schools and visiting them before the deadline, there isn’t much time for waiting around. Once you finally make your decision of where to attend, the only thing you can do is wait. Of course the most important thing to hear from your college of choice is your roommate for the next year.

            After having my own room for my whole life, the idea of living in a small dorm room with a stranger made me nervous. Once I heard all the roommate horror stories from adults, I was expecting the worst. Dreading the thought of being enclosed in a small space with a stranger, I was pleasantly surprised to find out my roommate was a good guy. A few of my hall mates, on the other hand, were a different story. They had a complete lack of regard for everything and everyone.

These two roommates are what you would call low self-monitors. Low self-monitors are, “People who are not sensitive to appropriateness or resist adapting their behavior. (McCornack, 2010)” Meaning, no regard is shown to proper behavior in certain situations. For starters, they both woke up at 5am every morning and would go to sleep at 8pm every night. From the moment they woke up at 5am they were as loud as physically possible, blasting music and slamming doors, as they were getting ready to start their day. It made it hard to sleep because the walls were of a similar quality to cardboard. When the rest of us would hang out together and talk after class around 9 or 10 pm, all hell would break loose. These hall mates would come out screaming about lack of respect for other people trying to sleep, while they were doing much worse in the mornings. When someone tried to explain that to them, their behavior was only made worse out of spite.

            On those rare occasions when they were being “friendly” and came out to talk to us, they found plenty of time to show off. They would talk about how good they were in sports in high school or their intelligence level. They seemed to have a “scientific explanation” for everything in the world. If you asked how they knew all of this, in response, you would hear something along the lines of, “because I know.” Those statements are known as superiority messages. They can be defined as, “Defensive responses that claim special knowledge, ability, or status above the other persons.' “ The term fits the bill for my two hall mates from hell.

They were defensive, low self-monitors who had a complete lack of respect for everyone else they were sharing close living quarters with.

Have you ever dealt with low self-monitors who have made things troubling for you? How?

“Andrew? Andrew? … Hello?” Shockingly, I received no response. He was looking directly at the TV during our entire conversation and I could have sworn he was listening by the way he kept nodding his head as I spoke, but clearly he wasn’t.

Andrew is my roommate of three years, who has a terrible habit of pseudo-listening. Pseudo-listening is ineffective listening behavior where an individual appears to be listening to what a speaker is saying but is actually not attending to their words (McCornack, 2009). Almost every conversation I have with Andrew that occurs after 10PM eventually gets interrupted by him using this type of listening. He blames it on being tired most of the time, which is a common reason given for pseudo-listening, but I always interpret the act as disrespectful.  I remember one occurrence of his pseudo-listening that occurred this past April. It was half past ten at night and Andrew and I were in his room watching “How I Met Your Mother” on Netflix. While watching we were discussing our upcoming schedule; it was finals week and we both had a lot going on. I was very stressed about the final I had on that Thursday in SCOM 245 because how well I did on the test was going to determine if I was admitted in the School of Communications or not. “I have enough time to prepare for it, but I’m nervous that I won’t get the grade I need,” I said hoping to receive some sort of support in return. “You’ve done well on your previous two exams in this class dude. I think you’ll be just fine,” Andrew said back. Happy with his response and fact that he was focused I started to tell him about he topics that were going to be on the final. “I know all the information from the chapters, but in class he described the power of definition differently than the book did and I don’t want to get confused between his interpretation and the books,” I said. Andrew nodded along and I continued to tell him the differences between the two. As I was explaining I noticed his head nodding was patterned. He was just nodding at every pause in my speech regardless of what I had said before it. So I said “Actually it would make more sense if you just took this final for me,” to make sure he was still with me. Unfortunately, I found out he wasn’t. He just nodded along to the suggestion. Next, I screamed “Andrew WAKE UP!” He responded in saying “Sorry, I did it again.” He knew that he had fallen victim to his horrible habit of pseudo-listening once again.

This story shows how pseudo-listening can be deceptive. By continuing to give nonverbal regulators Andrew made me believe he was attending to my words when he was not. Continual use of regulators is common when pseudo-listening and McCornack says the deceptiveness it causes makes pseudo-listening unethical, which is a quality that she links with ineffective listening (McCornack, 2009). In order to be an effective listener and speaker it’s important to always be appropriate, effective and ethical in all interactions.

Andrew’s use of pseudo-listening is an example of one type ineffective listening. I view it as the most annoying type because of how often I have to deal with it and the fact that it is deceptive. What are some other types of ineffective listening? Which have you dealt with when talking with family or friends?

 

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

The Perfect Blend

She is beautiful inside and out and she loves hard and strong.  Don’t mistake her to be a softy she has a feisty flair that will set anyone straight.  She is the glue that bonds us together without her we would fall apart.  He on the other hand is the strong yet silent type.  Not hard to please and the most loving and selfless man you will ever meet.  Together they are my world and every ounce of who I am today has come from them.  They are my Mother and Father my angels and saving grace.  It’s easy for me to get all sentimental when I talk about my parents seeing as we have been through the good, the bad and the extremely ugly.  Through it all we have stuck together and now I consider my parents to be my BEST friends. 

                                                    

Autonomy versus connection is a type of tension that exists in family patterns of connectedness and is more apparent and difficult to manage as a child goes through the adolescent stage (McCornack, 2010,p. 376).  As an only child growing up I was inseparable form my parents.  We did everything together, well maybe not everything but you get the picture.  Family rituals as described in this week’s reading are one of the key factors in keeping the interpersonal communication strong between families.  There were many rituals that we would partake in. One of my favorite weekly rituals that I can still recall was Friday pizza night at our favorite pizzeria joint.  We would order the same thing and one of the most do’s was playing the theme song from the Movie “Ghost,” Mom’s favorite.  Dinner was always followed by a trip to Blockbuster where they would let me rent the same movie “Peppy Long-stocking.” This continued for many years until of course I grew up and starting spending less time with them and more time with my friends.  The text states that about 7^th grade detachment begins and this was the case for me.  Middle school brought a shift to the parent-child balance we had maintained for so many years. ((McCornack, 2010,p.376)  like most kids I was struggling to find my own identity which only amplified as I reached my high school years.  Not only did I want my own identity but I also wanted my own voice and independence.  I wanted to be seen and heard which strained the relationship with my parents.   We began to separate and kind of go our own separate ways despite the fact that we lived under the same roof.  It was as if miles stretched the distance between us.  Eventually I transitioned into adulthood and have since seen the error of my ways.  It is safe to say we have come full circle and during the process have become emotionally closer and connected.  A result that Mccormak states is most likely to occur if there is a strong bond between parents and children prior to adolescent stage ((McCornack, 2010,p.376)

To help us in the process of coming back together we are now utilizing some of the healthy maintenance strategies.  We utilize positivism by trying to remain upbeat an invest the energy to make every encounter enjoyable, we are open with one another and consider trust to be a sacred virtue, an we constantly assuring one another by showing our appreciation, respect and love for each other.  (McCornack, 2010, (p. 374-375) we also utilize what Mccormack states is one of the most important forms of maintaining healthy family relationships: family stories. We frequently rely on these stories to help us remember some of the good, the bad and the very ugly moments we have encountered along the way.  It has made us more appreciative of each other and has also aided in creating a healthy family dynamic that we consider stronger than ever. 

It is safe to say we have found the perfect blend by utilizing some of the maintenance strategies above we have found the perfect equation to a healthy family relationship.  Our interpersonal communication is strong and our connection is even stronger.  Yes it is safe to say that my parents are my best friends and I love them unconditionally.  What about you? How would you describe your family?  Have you had to overcome challenges such as dialectic tensions of autonomy vs. connection or openness vs. protection?  What was the outcome?

Reference:

In second grade, I became friends with this little redheaded girl with a smattering of freckles all over her face. Little did I know back then that she would become one of my closest and longest lasting friends.

Over the years, Chelsee and I have gone through phases of being extremely close and being closer with other friends. I know that we spent a good deal of time together when we were kids and one distinct memory sticks out in my mind; a trip to the zoo with my dad. We both still remember that trip and laugh about the funny pictures we took. As we got a little older, we both became involved in different activities and drifted apart for a few years, but whenever we saw each other, we still talked. In middle school we were friends, but did not see each other as much as we would have liked. Once we got to high school, I convinced Chelsee to join the water polo team.  This guaranteed that I would get to spend more time with my friend; the shared commitment and spending more time together caused us to grow quite close yet again.

As high school wore on, our interests and activities diverged once again. Chelsee became busy with after school jobs and softball, while I was playing water polo in the fall and swimming all winter. Chelsee’s after school job and my practice schedule made it much more difficult to spend time together. We both also had our respective boyfriends intermittently during our high school years, which also diverted our attention and caused problems for our friendship occasionally. Today, we are separated by about 4 hours most of the months out of the year- she goes to school in Indiana, Pennslyvania and I am at JMU. Living separate and very different lives at our respective schools make it difficult for us to be in contact as frequently as we would like. But, I know that I can always count on her when I need someone to talk to and help work out problems. Our friendship has always been like this, we may not be together all the time but we are always available when the other person needs us.

Chelsee and I share what McCornack (2010) calls a communal friendship; we spend time together whenever possible and also rely on each other whenever we need a word of encouragement, some support, or even just a laugh to brighten a bad day. Given that we are separated for most of the year, our friendship also relates to McCornack’s section of the reading about maintaining long-distance friends. He lists several reasons why some long distance friendships survive while others don’t; I can see that many of these reasons pertain to our friendship. These reasons include, we both have always enjoyed being friends, we consider each other’s advice to be sound, any changes that occur in us as people don’t bother either of us and we embrace any changes that do occur, and since we have been friends for so long, we share many memories which help us reconnect when we reunite (McCornack, 2010).

I do not know how I would have survived some of these years if it hadn’t been for Chelsee. Talking recently, we both agreed that this year we would make every effort to visit each other at school. I am looking forward to closing our friendship distance and seeing what my favorite redhead’s life is like while I am so far away.

Do you have a communal friendship that is also long-distance? How do you deal with it? Did you find McCornack’s tips for maintaining long-distance friendships helpful?

Reference:

McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Social exchange theory is, “The idea that you will be drawn to those you see as offering substantial benefits with few associated costs…and whether you think that the rewards they can offer are superior to those you can get elsewhere” (McCornack, 2010, p. 332). 

            To me, you can always find both good and bad qualities in others. Nobody is viewed to have all good qualities or all bad ones.  On second thought, I can probably make an argument against the latter, but that’s a different argument for a different day.

Social exchange theory can be used to explain behavior in all kinds of relationships, but typically focuses on romantic bonds. I view it as being attracted to those you view with the most ‘good qualities’ while having a minimum number of ‘bad’ qualities in return. 

            I never thought too much about social exchange theory before reading McCornack (2009). Looking back, I see how this concept has played a major part in my four years of high school. In the early stages of my high school career, I found myself in relationships (at least that’s what we called them) that were completely different than the relationships I experience now. To put it gently, the first few girls I talked to freshman and sophomore years were, well, really talkative. I would be on the phone with them every night until 2 or 3 in the morning; waiting for them to say goodbye so I could finally go to sleep. Was I listening to what they were saying at all times? No. I was trying to avoid asking questions to end the conversation as soon as possible. 

Those ‘relationships’ died out quickly and I moved on. Towards the end of my sophomore year, I met a girl completely different than the others. It wasn’t easy to get to know her at first because she was shy and quiet. Considering the last few girls I had dealt with, I was intrigued by this ‘new species’ of women I had never met before. Because she wasn’t talking my ear off non-stop, I found myself actually listening to every word she was saying. With my newly acquired skill of listening, I was able to have more meaningful conversations. From there, I was able to get to know her better as a person, which lead to a romantic relationship. Although the actual length of our conversations were shorter, the quality of each interaction was greater, making our discussions much more meaningful.

I saw someone I enjoyed spending time with. Sticking it out and trying to get to know who she was as a person was the best decision I have ever made. Five years later, I am still dating this girl with hopes of that continuing for years to come. I found the benefits she has to exceed previous girls without the cost of pseudo listening. Although we don’t talk on the phone for the same duration, it is made my communication skills better. I find she says things that are important to hear, not just to fill the airspace. If there is silence, I don’t feel like I am getting the silent treatment. I know she is content and has nothing to complain about. I don’t either. I saw substansial benefits to fewer costs than previously, and jumped on the opportunity to take advantage.

Have you found yourself in situations where you used the social exchange theory first hand?

Have you ever had that one crush you let get away and wondered where they were in life now? I was fortunate enough to have my middle school crush ask me out to dinner just this past year. We had not seen each other since he moved away after 8^th grade. We rekindled our childhood crushes after just one dinner and we have now been together for over a year.   What really won me over was while I was busy studying for an exam, very tired and hungry, Tyler ordered a pizza and had it delivered to my apartment.  He called me ten minutes before the deliveryman came with the pizza to tell me there should be a knock on my door.  He was ensuring that I felt over-benefitted in our relationship. Over-benefitted is when one partner receives a lot from one partner without returning the favor and can leave the over-benefitted partner feeling guilty. This seemingly small act was extremely meaningful to me and we’ve been together ever since.

The only down side to our relationship, is that it’s long-distance. The long-distance relationship adds another layer of complexity and, at times, anxiety to a romantic partnership.  Equity is a concept that I never really internalized before reading this chapter. Equity is the balance of benefits and costs exchanged by you and the other person. Equity can be equated to the equality or balance, which measures the proportional justice in a relationship. For there to be a functional and healthy relationship there needs to be a shared sense of contribution in the relationship. In a relationship, individuals need to weigh/consider benefits gained vice contributions made. Benefits and contributions, if not balanced, will create an inequity. When inequities occur one person is going to feel that they are giving more than they are receiving creating a feeling of underappreciated and that they are over contributing.

         I find that in my relationship both Tyler and I are committed to working on making sure that our contributions and efforts in the relationship remain equal. For example, we both contribute to choosing locations or activities for dates, movies, and other activities. It is even more important that we try our best to equally split the driving we do in order to visit each other. We compromise on different weekends and try our best to keep the distance we drive equal. I noticed in some of my friends’ relationships one person usually takes the dominant role and eventually the relationship fizzles out due to the inequity in making the relationship work. It’s hard to image putting a cost or benefit analysis on your relationship, however, it makes a lot of sense. As McCornack (2010) explains, equity strongly determines the short and long term success of a relationship. I would argue that contributes to relationships are not only limited to romantic relationships but to all human relationships. There has to be give and take in every relationship to keep a healthy bond. For friendships, peers, classmates, business relationships- all of these relationships need to find a balance.

                                

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that was inequitable and if so what did you do? Did you terminate the relationship or did work on making it equitable?

References:

     McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication (2^nd ed.). Boston. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s

Yesterday was just another day in the life of a child of the Kunar family. It was my Aunt Debbie’s 58^th birthday and in celebration we went to one of our family's favorite Japanese restaurants, Shiro. My father came home around 6:00 PM to make sure we were ready for our 7:00 PM reservation. Like always, my father was driving us to the restaurant and wanted to make sure that we arrived on time, so we left my house promptly at half past six. Once we turned left onto the main road to Shiro’s, the adventure began. Immediately after turning onto the road, a green Toyota Camry cut us off without signaling. Now before I continue, it’s important to know that my father is a victim of road rage and every mishap on the road turns into the end of the world. So after the Camry cut us off, my father cursed rather loudly and then hit the steering wheel two times. One mile down the road, the Camry cut us off without signaling again. This time my father didn’t react as calmly and started screaming at the windshield and honking his horn at the driver of the Camry. I instructed my father to try and remain calm and just go around the Camry in order to make sure the incident didn’t occur again. Thankfully, we managed to arrive at the restaurant without anymore road-raging events, aside from my father speeding the entire time.

At dinner, everything went according to plan and my family was able to enjoy a nice dinner together, until we ordered desert. Numerous members of my family wanted to have a cappuccino, but they were unable to make them since their cappuccino maker happened to be broken. Outraged, my father was up in arms complaining about how ridiculous it was that they were unable to receive the cappuccinos they wanted and told the waiter that he would be going to Starbucks to get the coffee cup he rightly deserved.

My father’s anger during the car ride and in the restaurant was unnecessary and could have been avoided by using the Jefferson Strategy. The Jefferson Strategy is a concept used to manage anger named after Thomas Jefferson, where individuals take 10 seconds to think before speaking or responding to someone that does or says something that makes them feel angry (McCornack, 2009). By taking these 10 seconds to breathe and think before responding to the stimuli individuals adrenaline, blood pressure and heart rate all get some time to slow, which lets them response to the stimuli in a calmer matter. This method is effective everyday not only in face-to-face interactions but also in online exchanges. Taking a few seconds lets the mind self reflect on the situation at hand (McCornack, 2009). I try to use the Jefferson Strategy in all of my encounters, as I feel it’s the most responsible way to go about interactions with others.

In fact, I used this strategy when talking to my mother earlier today. I was telling my mom that I had to write a blog post for my SCOM 320 class and she said “Well go do it now.” Being that I had just woke up about twenty minutes before this interaction I wanted to say “Shut up mom, I’m going to do it once I get a chance to wake up.” Instead, I took ten seconds to breathe. After doing so I realized she was probably right and instead of telling her to shut up, I went to my room to start writing this post.

The Jefferson Strategy is a great way to make sure your emotions overcome you. Do you use the Jefferson Strategy in times where others make you angry? If so, how has it helped you in a situation where your anger threatened to get the best of you?

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

They say it’s a feeling that only comes once in a lifetime and when it hits you, it shakes you to your core.  As society portrays it we are all searching for that one person that will complete us and make us whole.  A concept that I used to think was absolutely absurd.  We all have our own ideas, concepts and beliefs that define what love means to us.  They are influenced by our culture, gender and our own socializations.  But one steadfast truth that stretches beyond cultural confines is that love can be described as a deep an intense emotion comprised of 3 components: intimacy, caring and attachment. (McCornack, 2010, p. 322) The degree or level that you hold these components can then define the type of relationship you and your partner create.  Because we are complex creatures by nature there are steps we follow to building and maintaining relationships.  This is my focus of this post…the “coming together” aspects of bonding relations. 

 I have always been the skeptic when it came to the matters of the heart.  I would hear couples recall their stories of how they met and just want to gag.  That was until I got a taste of that love potion #9 and now it is safe to say I have been bitten by the love bug.  Although relationship characteristics vary among different unions there is one commonality that exists amongst them. How they come together and in some cases how they fall apart.  I refuse to focus on the second part because I am a girl in love and wish to focus on the more positive. With that said the first step in establishing a relationship is initiation.  My boyfriend and I have attended the same church our whole lives and so according to the mere exposure effect, attractiveness is based on the frequency in which you are in contact with another individual (McCornack, 2010, p.330).  So it should be no surprise that the initiate stage didn’t take long to progress into the experimenting stage.  He reached out to me first with a Facebook message: “How come there are no pictures of you and that pretty smile.”  Lame I know but it caught my attention.  Facebook messages quickly turned to texting and phone conversations.  We engaged in the “small talk” sharing common facts about ourselves and realizing that we actually had some of the same interests.  We began hanging out with one another on a daily basis when our schedules allowed.  I couldn’t believe just how quickly and smoothly we were progressing.  It felt so natural and right.  Our relationship continued on into the next stage of intensifying.  Late night chats of what used to be simple chit chat now turned into true therapy and self disclosure sessions. It also helped to draw us closer to one another throwing us straight into the fourth stage of coming together…integration.  After one year it is safe to say that the love we share continues to grow stronger every day and we truly share a connection that can’t really be described with any amount of colorful words. It is my hope that we will continue right into the last stage of “coming together” in relationship structure known as bonding.  Otherwise known to be the grand finale…Marriage.

 Have you ever had a core shaking experience that has left you weak in the knees?  Reflecting back did you also encounter the same process of coming together as described in this week’s reading, or did you follow another route to building your relationship?

For all you love skeptics out there reading this, it is true what they say…LOVE it only comes once in a lifetime and it is a core shaker.  It’s a mood elevator, an esteem booster, but most of all it’s a self-fulfilling experience that should be appreciated and not treated lightly.  

Reference:

“This is really going to suck.” This is what I thought to myself as I dragged myself out of my house and into my car to drive to UREC. It was the first Tuesday night water polo practice since my boyfriend and I had broken up. Dread set in as I was driving to the gym because Tuesday was the night that the girls and boys teams practiced together.

As I walked into UREC, I tried to mentally prepare myself to be around this guy for 2 excruciating hours. Even though I really didn’t want to see my ex, I knew that getting in the pool, exercising, and spending time with my teammates would help me feel better. “Well, here goes nothing,” I thought as I walked onto the pool deck. After figuring out our warm up for that evening, I hopped straight into the pool and started swimming. The last thing I wanted to do was stand around and torture myself wondering what my ex was thinking or just thinking about our situation in general. Swimming has always provided me with an outlet to clear my head and lose myself in something other than my problems; tonight I was especially grateful for this outlet. After doing our swim workout and during the downtime before we moved onto more drills and scrimmaging, I talked to my friends; we talked about anything and everything that had nothing to do with what was bothering me. Still, even knowing my ex was around put me on the edge; my emotions just under the surface of my (hopefully) cool and calm exterior.

Later on in practice, things got more interesting. The part of practice that I was least looking forward to on this particular occasion had arrived- scrimmage. Unluckily, I was on the team opposite of my ex. Since I can keep up with him and we play complementary positions, I eventually wound up playing side by side with someone I was trying my hardest to avoid and ignore. “Great, so much for being able to focus on anything but my problem,” I thought. I took a deep breath and played like he was any other guy on the team. Unfortunately for me, it was not that easy. When possession of the ball changed on the next play, I hissed at one of my teammates to switch players with me.

My attempt to focus on anything but my ex is an example of attention focus. McCornack (2010) describes attention focus as a strategy used to avoid undesirable emotions that involves paying attention only to certain aspects of an encounter that will not cause those undesirable emotions. This strategy is used to attempt to prevent emotions. Since I knew that I did not want my stream of emotions to come forward in front my team plus the whole boys team, I adopted this particular strategy in order to appear as cool and in control as I could, especially since I had not told many people about what had happened between my ex and I. Although reappraisal is the best strategy for dealing with unwanted emotions, I was not aware of this strategy at the time, nor did I want to deal with my emotions in front of all my friends.

In that particular situation, I think that attention focus was my best bet for getting through practice with my boyfriend since I did not really have the choice to avoid him completely. I am glad to know that reappraisal is the most effective strategy for dealing with unwanted emotions and I will use it in the future if I need to deal with some tough emotions. Luckily for me, our breakup did not last long and I do not need to deal with any extreme emotions around a large group of people. I am also appreciative that I am able to enjoy myself at Tuesday night practices once again.

Have you ever used attention focus to deal with unwanted emotions? Did it work well for you or do you think a different strategy would have been more effective for that situation?

Reference:

McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

It was another evening on the job for me. Nothing was out of the ordinary; the regular paperwork and files to deal with. The biggest part of my job is interacting with the residents of an apartment complex. I can say with confidence that every interaction is not the same, even if the situation and context are similar. Every situation is going to be different because the content, context and people that make up a situation can never be replicated. The people in each scenario are always going to guarantee a different interaction. The content, context and people may even be the same but no interaction can be exactly replicated. With that being said, the person who walked through the door next would throw me for a loop.

One of our residents, lets call him Mitch, came in to get a guest parking pass. Normally, this would be a very simple transaction as far as interpersonal communication is concerned. The procedure for getting a guest parking pass is very simple. What’s the normal protocol you may ask? We must look up the residents’ ledger to insure they do not have a bending balance and then we hand them the parking pass that the resident would fill in with their name, telephone number, apartment number and sign and date the bottom. Now you may be wondering what could have made this next interaction so different?

Well, this particular resident is deaf. In my twenty-one years, I had never met a deaf person. This really throws a wrench into regular communication. The National Communication Association (NCA, 2002) defines communication as “the process through which people use messages to generate meanings within and across contexts, cultures, channels and media” (McCornack, 2010, p. 6). To say the least, my repertoire of knowledge about how to communicate with the deaf was beyond minimal. I do know that some deaf people become proficient in reading lips so I hoped with my effort to speak slowly and pronounce my words clearly that it would be enough to get us through the interaction.  But, I can say that I was honestly intrigued and I did not just want to get through the interaction. I wanted to communicate as best as I could and I wanted to make Mitch feel comfortable. The best thing I knew to do was to smile. I know that whenever I’m interacting with other residents, I tend to ask them how their day is going or some small pleasant conversation and at the very least I say either “thank-you” or “you’re welcome” and “have a good day/night.” I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down a question for Mitch. How do you sign “thank-you” and “you’re welcome.” He signed them both for me. Before he left, he thanked me and I signed back ‘you’re welcome’.

  

After Mitch left, I felt that we had just had a rather successful interaction. My biggest fear would be to accidently make someone feel ostracized. McCornack (2010) wrote about how Hellen Keller became filled with an encompassing sense of isolation because she lost the ability to connect with others. Both Hellen Keller’s emotions and Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs resonated with me. It was not till until I thought about how I would feel if I lost the ability to use words to express my emotions that I realized just how significant of a role verbal communication plays in allowing us be our self and express ourselves as opposed to just being a tool used to communicate with ours.

 Father and son. The son is deaf and has gone on to become a professor at Gallaudet University. 

Before that evening, I had never considered communication seriously without the use of ‘words’. So when faced with the challenge of having to communicate face-to-face without any words, at the risk of sounding cliché, my eyes were opened.

Have you had a personal experience in which you had to communicate with someone and there was some kind of barrier (i.e. deaf, blind, a foreign language)? How did you manage to over come that barrier or were you not able to?

References:

            McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal

            communication (2^nd ed.). Boston. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s