Social exchange theory is, “The idea that you will be drawn to those you see as offering substantial benefits with few associated costs…and whether you think that the rewards they can offer are superior to those you can get elsewhere” (McCornack, 2010, p. 332). 

            To me, you can always find both good and bad qualities in others. Nobody is viewed to have all good qualities or all bad ones.  On second thought, I can probably make an argument against the latter, but that’s a different argument for a different day.

Social exchange theory can be used to explain behavior in all kinds of relationships, but typically focuses on romantic bonds. I view it as being attracted to those you view with the most ‘good qualities’ while having a minimum number of ‘bad’ qualities in return. 

            I never thought too much about social exchange theory before reading McCornack (2009). Looking back, I see how this concept has played a major part in my four years of high school. In the early stages of my high school career, I found myself in relationships (at least that’s what we called them) that were completely different than the relationships I experience now. To put it gently, the first few girls I talked to freshman and sophomore years were, well, really talkative. I would be on the phone with them every night until 2 or 3 in the morning; waiting for them to say goodbye so I could finally go to sleep. Was I listening to what they were saying at all times? No. I was trying to avoid asking questions to end the conversation as soon as possible. 

Those ‘relationships’ died out quickly and I moved on. Towards the end of my sophomore year, I met a girl completely different than the others. It wasn’t easy to get to know her at first because she was shy and quiet. Considering the last few girls I had dealt with, I was intrigued by this ‘new species’ of women I had never met before. Because she wasn’t talking my ear off non-stop, I found myself actually listening to every word she was saying. With my newly acquired skill of listening, I was able to have more meaningful conversations. From there, I was able to get to know her better as a person, which lead to a romantic relationship. Although the actual length of our conversations were shorter, the quality of each interaction was greater, making our discussions much more meaningful.

I saw someone I enjoyed spending time with. Sticking it out and trying to get to know who she was as a person was the best decision I have ever made. Five years later, I am still dating this girl with hopes of that continuing for years to come. I found the benefits she has to exceed previous girls without the cost of pseudo listening. Although we don’t talk on the phone for the same duration, it is made my communication skills better. I find she says things that are important to hear, not just to fill the airspace. If there is silence, I don’t feel like I am getting the silent treatment. I know she is content and has nothing to complain about. I don’t either. I saw substansial benefits to fewer costs than previously, and jumped on the opportunity to take advantage.

Have you found yourself in situations where you used the social exchange theory first hand?