Ever wonder why your best friend is your best friend and how you both got there? Or why a few years down the road having your significant other see you at your worst isn’t the worst thing anymore? Well according to researchers Altman and Taylor, this is due to social penetration theory which explains how we reveal information about ourselves to others. Throughout the course of building a relationship with someone, we gradually reveal pieces of ourselves to them.
According to the theory, at the outermost peripheral layers of yourself are demographic characteristics such as birthplace, age, gender, and ethnicity (McCornack, 2009, p.61). This information is usually obtained in initial conversation. In college settings, information would most likely include name, year, major, and hometown. This type of dialogue can be used to gain information about someone, but also to help someone find similarities with someone else. In the intermediate layers reside your attitudes or opinions about things like music, politics, food, entertainment, etc (McCornack, 2009, p. 61). In this stage of the relationship, you are getting to know each other a little better and penetrating beyond the surface. Deep within the “onion” are the central layers of your self-- core characteristics such as self-awareness, self-concept, self-esteem, personal values, fears, and distinctive personality traits (McCornack, 61). Here is where you’ve reached an intimate or personal relationship with someone.
Although this theory could apply to many of my relationships, I am most interested in how it is seen in my relationships with my sorority sisters. I joined Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Incorporated in the spring of 2010. I can honestly say it was one of my greatest accomplishments and one of the happiest moments of my life. It was different though because I have never had very many close relationships with females before then. I had a few best girl friends since middle school and that was it. I find myself able to relate more to or get along better with guys. Well, I must say that it was a difficult transition as it is very different interacting with females than it is with males. Hanging out with my male friends was just that: hanging out. We joked around, ate food, watched TV and that was about it. I find that relationships with my female friends require more conversation and emotional support (I hate to be stereotypical). Anyways, the process I had learning to interact with my sorority sisters was definitely one of growth and we quickly learned very personal things about each other. I find it interesting because they probably know as much about me as my friends since middle school do. It amazes me how close we have become in only two years. Throughout this time it has become much easier to disclose information with each other. As McCornack (2009) points out, “intimacy and access to previously hidden areas of the self are fundamentally intertwined: the deeper and broader we penetrate into each other’s selves, the more intimate we feel; the more intimate we feel, the more we allow each other to access to broad and deep aspects of our selves” (p.62).
By understanding the concept, in what ways can we use the social penetration theory to gauge or assess our relationships? For example, if you have been in a romantic relationship for two years but have only disclosed intermediate level information (such as likes and dislikes), does this mean your relationship is not intimate? Are you just taking it slow or will it never get there? Would this status validate ending the relationship? Why or why not?
