It was back when I was fifteen years old and I had my first real summer job at a local grocery store in my hometown. Since it was technically my first job I didn’t really know what to expect about what it would be like working there and more importantly what the people I would be working for were like. I was admittedly a bit nervous about it when I first started because I had never had a real boss before because at my previous job I was essentially my own boss. As it turned out, my bosses were great and so were the people I worked with and working there became one of the more interesting work experiences I’ve ever had. This was mostly because of the variety of people I worked with and their differing backgrounds and personalities (my bosses in particular). I had two different bosses I reported to and the most interesting thing about them was how completely different they were in terms of their personality, and especially in their listening styles.

Your listening style is the typical pattern associated with your listening behaviors, which can be manifested as your attitudes, beliefs, and predispositions towards the listening process (McCornack, 2009). There are four listening styles and my two bosses both encompassed them all in their day to day behaviors and interactions with the staff. Action-oriented listeners want concise and informative conversations that allow them to make the right decision and to make it quickly. Another similar style is people-oriented listeners who have specific time allotted for talking with others and make their schedules known. One of my bosses used both of these styles because they were very much time-oriented and wanted conversations to be strictly about business, so it was obvious from this that they were most concerned with efficiency. The third style is people-oriented listeners who uses interactions to make connections with other people by sharing their emotions and making it known that they care. The last style is content-oriented listeners who like these interactions to be intellectually stimulating and take it as a challenge because they typically take more time to consider all the information before making decisions. I would consider my second boss to be a people-oriented listener because he was more concerned about the person he was talking to than the work he or she did and therefore took on a role of someone you could talk to when you needed help with something.

The ironic thing about this is that my boss who was more focused on time and efficiency was a woman, while the one focused on becoming connected with people was a man. Now I know that men and women don’t always fall into the same categories, but I just thought it was interesting because many men are more time and action oriented while women tend to be more people and content oriented.

Do you think that someone can possess multiple listening styles from both ends of the spectrum (ex. Both time-oriented and people oriented)?

References

• McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

Appreciate the Messages You Hear

I never thought the day would come to point where I could say, “I have an adopted younger brother.” He is six years old now and I am very thankful to have him in my life. Alexander is his first name but of course we like to call him, Alex. “Motor Mouth” is the nickname we gave him because he loves to talk to the point where you just want to put in some ear plugs. Even though he enjoys hearing himself talk, you just can’t help but let him ramble on.

I’ll never forget the day that he was trying to send a valuable message. He approached me in the living room when I was playing a video game. It was hard for me to focus on the things he was saying and on the objective I was trying to achieve in the game. So, as he continued to explain himself, the message kind of went in one ear and right out the other. I continued to respond to his statements with nonchalant head nods followed by unconcerned remarks.

Listening to others when they talk is very important especially if they mean the world to you. That day I really did not display that I appreciated what message my younger brother was trying send. “When you listen to appreciate, your goal is simply to enjoy the sounds and sights you’re experiencing and then to respond by expressing your appreciation” (McCornack, 2009, p. 163). Clearly, I was not enjoying the sights and sounds I was experiencing. I also gave a horrible response of expressing my emotions to his message. After he was done with the conversation, he walked away and all I heard was a prolonged sigh (McCornack, 2009).

I couldn’t understand why he was mad at me for the rest of evening. Backtracking the events throughout the day were what I found myself doing to try and figure out this tension we shared. It didn’t dawn on me until I remember the conversation we had in the living room. I sat down by myself for a minute and reflected upon the things we talked about. The message he had sent to me was the fact that he was happy to have an older brother like me in his life. I only became more frustrated with myself for not appreciating or even acknowledging his message. I later apologized to him and this situation helped to remind me to talk time and appreciate what others have to say.

So remember, the next time you are busy with an activity and someone has a message to send to you, take a break, and appreciate what they have to say because you might miss a valuable moment.

Can you think of other reasons why listening to appreciate is one of the five functions of listening?

What is your definition of listening to appreciate? Explain.

References:

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication.

Bedford/ St. Martin’s

Conflict is a part of our everyday lives. As much as we wish to live in some sort of utopia where everyone always gets a-long, in our daily lives, we are bound to butt heads with a friend, family member, loved one, or even a stranger at some point. With the inevitable experience of conflict, it is important to know how to approach these situations and how to handle them effectively.

Think back to the last conflict you encountered. It could be something as serious as fighting with a significant other over an act of infidelity or as insignificant as a waitress giving you the wrong order at a restaurant. How did you deal with this conflict?

Chances are you approached the conflict in one of four ways. According to McCornack (2009), people generally manage conflict by avoiding or ignoring the conflict altogether, accommodating the other person by abandoning your own goals to satisfy the other person’s desires, competing by confronting others and putting your goals ahead of theirs, or collaborating by treating the conflict and attempting to solve the challenge in a way that suits both parties. Collaborating is usually the most effective approach to conflict because it encourages an open discussion about the problems at hand unlike avoidance or accommodation which can bury emotions and cause hostile feelings down the road. Unfortunately, although collaboration seems to be the most effective approach to handling conflict, it is likely that every person has engaged in the other three approaches more often.

Through my experiences, I generally tend to utilize the collaborative approach to conflict but can also think of instances where I have used avoidance and accommodation as well. For me, I like to confront conflicts head on and express my feelings in a calm way before the situation gets blown out of proportion. Because of this approach, I tend to also not see potential conflicts others may have with me when they use avoidance or accommodation approaches. One instance in particular where a conflict took me by surprise was with a really good friend of mine. We spent almost every moment together, which undoubtedly would cause conflict in any relationship. However, this friend of mine often used the avoidance approach when dealing with conflict. She usually kept small conflicts to herself which would fester inside, creating more hostile emotions than if she had just told me how she felt. I was usually completely unaware of the problems she had which could have easily been solved if she had just come to me. One day she finally confronted me, but instead of having a collaborative conversation it became a list of things that I was doing wrong and almost felt like more of an attack. There was nothing I could say to make things better. She used avoidance for so long that she had let her emotions fester inside and each small conflict we had became my fault. Although feeling attacked, I ended up using the accommodating approach to the present conflict and simply apologized and let her take any anger she had out on me. There was no collaboration or communication on how to solve the problem and it ended up having a negative effect on our friendship.

Conflicts are bound to occur in any type of relationship. However, it is important to realize that although confronting conflicts can be difficult, most conflicts won’t just disappear on their own. Having a calm conversation and utilizing the collaboration approach is usually beneficial to all parties involved and can usually solve a conflict before it escalates.

Is the collaboration approach to dealing with conflict always the most effective approach? Can you think of situations where another approach would be more effective?

References:

• McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.