The Ways We Approach Conflict

Conflict is a part of our everyday lives. As much as we wish to live in some sort of utopia where everyone always gets a-long, in our daily lives, we are bound to butt heads with a friend, family member, loved one, or even a stranger at some point. With the inevitable experience of conflict, it is important to know how to approach these situations and how to handle them effectively.

Think back to the last conflict you encountered. It could be something as serious as fighting with a significant other over an act of infidelity or as insignificant as a waitress giving you the wrong order at a restaurant. How did you deal with this conflict?

Chances are you approached the conflict in one of four ways. According to McCornack (2009), people generally manage conflict by avoiding or ignoring the conflict altogether, accommodating the other person by abandoning your own goals to satisfy the other person’s desires, competing by confronting others and putting your goals ahead of theirs, or collaborating by treating the conflict and attempting to solve the challenge in a way that suits both parties. Collaborating is usually the most effective approach to conflict because it encourages an open discussion about the problems at hand unlike avoidance or accommodation which can bury emotions and cause hostile feelings down the road. Unfortunately, although collaboration seems to be the most effective approach to handling conflict, it is likely that every person has engaged in the other three approaches more often.

Through my experiences, I generally tend to utilize the collaborative approach to conflict but can also think of instances where I have used avoidance and accommodation as well. For me, I like to confront conflicts head on and express my feelings in a calm way before the situation gets blown out of proportion. Because of this approach, I tend to also not see potential conflicts others may have with me when they use avoidance or accommodation approaches. One instance in particular where a conflict took me by surprise was with a really good friend of mine. We spent almost every moment together, which undoubtedly would cause conflict in any relationship. However, this friend of mine often used the avoidance approach when dealing with conflict. She usually kept small conflicts to herself which would fester inside, creating more hostile emotions than if she had just told me how she felt. I was usually completely unaware of the problems she had which could have easily been solved if she had just come to me. One day she finally confronted me, but instead of having a collaborative conversation it became a list of things that I was doing wrong and almost felt like more of an attack. There was nothing I could say to make things better. She used avoidance for so long that she had let her emotions fester inside and each small conflict we had became my fault. Although feeling attacked, I ended up using the accommodating approach to the present conflict and simply apologized and let her take any anger she had out on me. There was no collaboration or communication on how to solve the problem and it ended up having a negative effect on our friendship.

Conflicts are bound to occur in any type of relationship. However, it is important to realize that although confronting conflicts can be difficult, most conflicts won’t just disappear on their own. Having a calm conversation and utilizing the collaboration approach is usually beneficial to all parties involved and can usually solve a conflict before it escalates.

Is the collaboration approach to dealing with conflict always the most effective approach? Can you think of situations where another approach would be more effective?

References:

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

I hope your friend can overcome her avoidance tactics towards conflict resolution. Avoiding or supressing the conflict doesn't actually solve the issue, therefore it's bound to show itself again. A collaborative approach that creates a win-win problem solving solution is the healthiest way for a relationship to deal with its issues.

Skibum on June 10, 2011 at 9:41 AM

I agree with the above comment. Suppressing anger about a conflict does more damage than addressing it in most cases. You can wait to address the problem though, if time is needed to cool-off, get a level head on, look at the conflict through the others eyes, and other tactics like that before talking about the situation. If you approach it too early, it might not end well either. But if you keep it locked away, the anger and bitterness is just going to grow and fester and can really hurt relationships. In good relationships conflict happens, it's how you deal with it determines how good that relationship really is.

Rachael on June 11, 2011 at 9:57 PM

I also agree with the first comment, I too hope your friend can overcome her avoidance tactics towards conflict. When you hold in your emotions that make you upset, your more than likely going to get anger and go about the situation in the wrong way. I believe the collaboration approach is a very effective because you address the problem. It is also a well mannered way and helps you both vent out the situation instead of trapping in negative emotions. I can think of a lot of situations where another approach is appropriate for instance when you are at a public event. It is best to not deal with the problem right in front everyone but it's better to deal with it later. Conflict's between you and a good friend will always be a sensitive subject and should be handled with care. Good luck to you both!

T.Brannigan on June 12, 2011 at 2:20 PM

A specific conflict that I feel another strategy works better with is when a couple is going through a divorce. I believe that a compromising style is often the most common and effective strategy here because sometimes the conflict can be so heated and the stakes so high that both people need to sacrifice something in order to make progress.

conorw90 on June 12, 2011 at 2:25 PM