Romance on the Playground 

Saturday, May 28, 2011 - Posted by Casey Edwards

I was three years old in pre-school when a boy in my class came to school dressed in a suit and tie to impress me. He gave me a flower and his parents insisted to mine that we have a play-date. My father has told me this story over and over again ever since I can remember; laughing each time he does. He describes seeing the boy all dressed up when he dropped me off at school and got the biggest kick out of it. This is my first memory of a romantic relationship. I’m sure everyone has stories similar to my own. Kissing the boy you had a crush on in the playground, calling the girl you like on the phone (landline…remember those?) and many other firsts that come with the experience of romance.



Interestingly enough, our textbook says that children as young as 4 have reported passionate love towards others. Passionate love can be defined as “a state of intense emotional and physical longing for union with another” (McCornack, 2009, p. 322). This type of love is different from liking someone, and there are many different types of romantic love. From the first time you kiss your new partner, an experience filled with butterflies and excitement, to thirty years later when that same partner has become your companion in life, sharing heartache, joy, and many other life experiences.

How do you feel romance changes over the years after being with one person? And are those later years still considered “romantic”?

Romantic relationships, which can be defined as “a chosen interpersonal involvement forged through communication in which the participants perceive the bond as romantic” (McCornack, 2009, p. 326), have several key elements. Perception, diversity, choice, tensions, and communication are the core aspects that make up a relationship. First, the people in the relationship must perceive themselves as being in one. These perceptions must also be similar. One party cannot see the relationship as casual and the other sees it as committed for it to be considered a relationship. Diversity has to do with the fact that all genders, ethnicities, and sexual orientations fall in love in the same way. Choice means that each party has the choice to enter into the relationship. Tension describes the contradictions and contrary versus opposing tendencies in a relationship. And lastly, interpersonal communication, which is used to forge relationships and maintain them once a person has entered into a romantic relationship.

Although my first experience with romance didn’t exactly qualify as a romantic relationship, it was the start to learning about the way the sexes interact with each other when they like someone a little bit more than a friend. From passion to companion, romance is crucial aspect for each person to fully find joy in life.

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want 

Posted by higginsmk
My parents always told me that you have to give in order to receive. The key components to achieving success in a healthy romantic relationship are to carefully evaluate the costs and rewards. Each of the different costs and rewards are what attracts you to someone. You are more drawn to those you feel offer more rewards as opposed to more costs. The goal to having a happy and successful relationship is equity and balance. Here’s a little math for you! REMEMBER: RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION = OUTCOMES- COMPARISON LEVEL (McCornack, 2010). The comparison level is the expectations you believe you should receive in that particular relationship. So, with that said, you want your outcomes to outweigh what you expect. SIMPLE. You want things to be better than expected; we’ve all learned that throughout the years.

For the last twenty-one years of my life, I can honestly say that I have not had any lengthy or serious relationships of my own. But, I have observed other relationships as a third party. From best friends to family members, I have watched relationships develop and crumble. What I’ve learned is that if you measure the costs and rewards you will achieve a perfect balance (McCornack, 2010). Here are a few of the different costs and balance one should understand when it comes to initially starting a relationship.

*Emotional rewards- These are positive feelings of love, warmth and happiness in a relationship. They satisfy the need of safety in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. These are usually what makes or breaks a relationship (Cherry, 2011).

*Emotional costs- These would be the opposite of emotional rewards. These are the negative feelings of love and warmth or lack there of emotional support (McCornack, 2010).

*Social rewards- These rewards are all about engaging in fun activities with that significant other. You finally get to test out that new hiking trail down the street or go on the trip to Texas you two have been talking about (McCornack, 2010).

*Social costs- These are activities each of you do not enjoy and spend too much of your time doing. These activities would include doing taxes, paying the bills or going to work parties. Spending fun time together is what makes the relationship grow, if you don’t spend time doing things you both love you do not grow as a couple together you just grow separately as two different people (McCornack, 2010).

*Instrumental rewards- This would be the basic to a relationship. This is being in the relationship because you love that person and want to be with them. It revolves around equality of task distribution and work distribution (McCornack, 2010).

*Instrumental costs- As opposed to the instrumental rewards this means that relationship is lasting because one feels they are responsible for doing it. This has become more frequently recently with the increase in teenage pregnancies. Many males feel that they must stay in the relationship or even rush to marriage because it is the “right thing to do.” But that is wrong, relationships don’t last that are built because they “have to be” they are built because they “need or want to be”(McCornack, 2010).

*Opportunity rewards- Opportunity rewards are what make relationships last, this is doing something you could not otherwise do if you were not in the relationship. This happens a lot when individuals are given the opportunity in their career to advance. Your relationship is something that should be able to last through this drastic change in your life (McCornack, 2010).

*Opportunity costs- This is giving up something important to you for the success of the relationship. It can range from a career opportunity to relationships with your friends and family. Success of a relationship is all about balance (Cherry, 2011).

Though these relationship objectives may seem simple when written out on a piece of paper, they’re not. You have to balance your work, your friends, your family and your relationship. If one of these costs outweighs its reward, then it may be time for you to step back and reconsider the relationship. Is it worth continuing or do you think you two can work on creating a more balanced relationship for each other?



If you’re in a relationship, have you ever taken into consideration all of these costs and rewards and balanced them to make sure one partner was not over benefitting while the other was under benefitting?

Reference:

Cherry, K. (2011). Hierarchy of needs: Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Retrieved from http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm
McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate. New York, New York: Bedford/St. Martins

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What Keeps a Relationship Alive? 

Friday, May 27, 2011 - Posted by T.Brannigan
Passion is one of the leading forces that helps keep a relationship alive. When you experience passion, you will fill positive emotions including: joy, surprise, excitement, amazement, and sexual attraction. The one emotion that truly contributes to the meaning of passion, however, is surprise. In the beginning of your relationship, you and your romantic partner will keep each other guessing. The disclosing of personal information on spontaneous unplanned dates adds to the guessing factor. However, there will come a time when your relationship will become predictable (McCornack, 2009).
 

Predictability in a relationship can become a threat if it’s excessive. Some couples can find themselves becoming less desirable to one another. Being intimate can also become null and void. So, it is primarily up to both individuals to keep their relationship from falling into an unexpected pattern of events.

In order to keep a relationship alive when you feel your communication skills have run a different course and the passion has found its way to the dead zone, you need to regroup. Try planning a romantic getaway. Pull out all the stops with no interruptions. Take the time to remember what it was that really brought the two of you together. In the end you, need to make the situation or the event you are planning truly unexpected. “People who elicit our passion are those who communicate in ways that deviate from what we expect” (McCornack, 2009, p. 137).


My mother is somebody I admire and seek to for advice. After the passing of my father, she was a widow for a good ten years. Raising my brother and I was no easy task. I can say she succeeded because my brother is now an engineer and here I am going into my senior year of college. That is all beside the point because she found love again and got remarried.

I was able to watch my newlywed parents’ loves grow for each other. My step-dad would constantly leave romantic notes around the house to remind her of their love. Their relationship in the beginning was also filled with many surprise getaways. They would spend a lot of valuable time together and you would always see them laughing. This laughter would soon hit a speed bump in their relationship.

The affection they had towards each other was changing and they started to argue over seemingly trivial things. You could tell that their passion for one another was slowly fading away. When my step-dad reached out to me for advice, I knew they were at that point where some break things off and others continue. After some positive advice from family members, it was like he felt revived. My step-dad regained his spark and brought back his adventurous side. He took my mother on unplanned camping trips and would replace his note- leaving with random flowers. I wouldn’t say that their relationship is perfect, but they are both trying to find ways to keep each other guessing. Again, communicating with the acknowledgement of passion for one another will always be inviting in any relationship.


So, remember the next time you are in a relationship and your passion towards each other begins to fade, don’t give up, find some new ways to keep each other guessing.



Do you think a relationship can survive without passion? Explain.
How would you handle the fading away of passion in your relationship?
In what ways would you keep your partner surprised?





References:
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Bedford/ St. Martin’s

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Characteristics of Verbal Communication 

Posted by Emma Crutchfield

Imagine you are stranded alone on a deserted island; No one to confer with, no one to help you, no one to keep you going. Do you go crazy with loneliness, or do you remember Tom Hanks in Cast Away and make your own Wilson? I don’t know about you, but I would definitely make my own Wilson. Wilson provided “Chuck” with an outlet for verbal communication, which was necessary for mental stability and perseverance. “Don’t worry Wilson, I’ll do all the paddling. You just hang on” (Cast Away, 2000).

Verbal communication is essentially using language while interacting with others. Though the word “verbal” may imply it must be spoken, verbal communication can bridge through multiple media, including email and phone conversation (McCornack 2010).There are five characteristics of language. Specifically, language is….
-symbolic-we use words as symbols representing people, places, feelings, etc.
-governed by rules- Rules govern meanings of words and structures of sentences.
-flexible- People often change words to mean other things, “cool” can mean cold or good.
-cultural- All cultures have different ways of communicating whether it be language change or social norms.
-always evolving- We are constantly adding new words to our vocabulary. Fun fact, “Bootylicious” was recently added to the dictionary!

Recently, my best friend and I moved into a new apartment with a foreign exchange student from China. We were worried we would overwhelm her with all of our stuff and our (sometimes) crazy personalities, so we tried to tone ourselves down when we went to introduce ourselves. We quickly learned, after a night of chatting with her, that in her culture, it was considered strange to be the first person to introduce yourself. She was happy that we had come to her because, as she said, she would have been incredibly uncomfortable coming to us. She also noted that her culture in China is vastly different from America, especially in the sense that in China language is used more for brief communication, not as a long, evolving series of verbal events. She said she had never just talked with someone for hours until she came to JMU. Apparently, these new conversations have exposed her to new ways of thinking and have helped her settle in with her sense of self.

Verbal communication is vital for life and emotional well being. “Chuck” needed “Wilson” to get off the island to safety, and YaoYao needed verbal communication to learn about a new culture. Because verbal communication and language affect our lives so immensely, it helps to understand their components.


Discussion:
1. What are some words you use day-to-day that may not necessarily be in the dictionary but others accept as a real word?
2. What would you name your “Wilson” if you were stranded on a deserted island?
3. Could you go an entire day without any verbal communication?


Reference:

-Broyles, William. Cast Away. 2000. Movie

-McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal

communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Love: Logical or Emotional? 

Posted by Brittany

“I couldn’t help it, I was head over heels!”
“I knew the minute I met her that I’d marry her!”
“I don’t care what anyone else says, I love him!”
We tend to think of love as a whirlwind, swooping us up in an uncontrollable gust of fate and passion. But the truth is, falling in love is predictable. It’s easy. It’s mechanical. Or at least that’s what the experts say.
The summer after my sophomore year of college, I stayed in my college town to work. I met a co-worker (we’ll call him Kevin) and soon I found myself spending almost everyday with him, working long shifts. We’d work 8 to 10 hour days, sometimes full of idle time, which then led to idle chat, which then led to deep conversation. We quickly became accustomed to each other. We could communicate through glances and gesture. We spent so much time together; we literally didn’t even need to use words to talk.
The mere exposure effect, a theory that predicts people fall for those they spend the most time with, would suggest that Kevin would be a prime candidate for my affections (Bornstein, 1989). Proximity plays a huge role in the people we choose (or not) to love. When we are exposed to the same people regularly, we evaluate them more highly than those we rarely spend time with. Kevin and I were nearly tied at the hips, spending all waking hours working together and evenings hanging out since hardly anyone else was left in town.
We’d put on Pandora when cleaning at work, and when he put on his “Modest Mouse” station, I high-fived him over our shared taste in music. From there the similarities kept coming: we liked the same kind of movies, the same t.v. shows; we shared common views on friendships, family and relationships. The similarities were uncanny. We became best friends in a matter of weeks.
What I didn’t know at the time was that this was the beginning of a complicated courtship, and Kevin was falling victim to he birds-of-a-feather effect, a theory that suggests that we’re attracted to those we perceive as similar to ourselves (Brehm et al., 2002). These similarities range from likes and dislikes, values and parallel personalities (Neimeyer & Mitchell, 1988). Obviously, some traits are more important than others. For example, similar taste in music does not guarantee life-long happiness; if two people share totally different value systems, the relationship will dissolve eventually over fundamental differences. Likewise, small differences are easy to overcome if the couple shares similar values.
Romantic attraction has two more characteristics: physical attraction and resources. I would write about Kevin and I again, but I feel weird discussing my own attractiveness or amount of resources. Instead I’ll explain what these mean in terms of romantic relationships. Obviously, physical attraction is a huge indicator in predicting the blossoming of a romance. Resources, though, refers to the things we can offer to our partners: stability, money, care, sex, affection. If we perceive a person to have a lot of resources to offer, we’re more attracted to them (Kelley & Thibaut, 1978).
Unfortunately, while these four dimensions were enough to convince Kevin that we should be together, I never felt the burning passion or jittery butterflies that a person feels when they’re falling in love. So, maybe love isn’t as mechanical as the experts say?
What do you think? Is love too emotional to be this logical? Can the love you’ve experienced be explained by these phenomena?
Bornstein, R. F. (1989). Exposure and affect: Overview and meta-analysis of research, 1968-1987. Psychological Bulletin, 106, 265-289.
Brehm, S. S., Miller, R. S., Perlman, D., & Campbell, S. M. (2002). Intimate relationships (3rd ed.). Boston: McGraw-Hill.
Kelley, H. H., & Thibaut, J. W. (1978). Interpersonal relations: A theory of interdependence. New York: Wiley.
Neimeyer, R. A., & Mitchell, K. A. (1988). Similarity and attraction: A longitudinal study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 5, 131-148.

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Grief; What it is and how we help others experiencing it 

Posted by Jamie




Grief. It is such a small word that represents such an all-encompassing emotion that most of us have either felt first hand or have watched someone close to us go through. It’s an awful emotion and unfortunately as McCornack (2009) says, there is no magic pill that can erase the pain of losing a loved one.

According to McCornack(2009) we cannot have long-term relationships with another person without experiencing the loss of someone close to us. This loss can either be through death, illness, separation, divorce, or some other event. And unlike some other emotions that only stay with us for a fleeting moment, grief often stays with us for a long time and can be continually triggered by experiences that remind us of the person we lost. The key way to manage one’s grief is through emotion-sharing; talking about your grief with loved ones or others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar pain.

It can also be difficult for friends and loved ones to watch a person that they care about go through the grieving process. We want so much to help them, to say just the right thing that might ease their pain for a moment, but what is that exactly? How do we react around that person? What if we say the wrong thing?

The best thing to do to help others manage their grief is to engage in supportive communication. When you see a loved one experiencing grief, sometimes their first inclination is to suppress their feelings and hold their pain inside. This can be detrimental and cause future stress-related problems. It may sound cliché, but sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone is to simply be there for them. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, supportive communication involves exactly as its title says; support for the person experiencing grief. Expressing your willingness to help the person can make the biggest difference and may help that person realize that they are not alone.

I can remember being 13 years old and witnessing grief first hand. In a matter of one week, my best friend lost her father, another close friend lost her sister, and my family lost a close relative. It seemed as if death was all around me and at 13 I had no idea how to react to such situations or help those I cared about. I can still remember going to my one friend’s house who had just lost her sister. At the time it seemed as if I was doing the traditional things done when someone you know was going through grief; I went to their house to “express my condolences”, brought a dish of some sort for them to eat, and simply listened as the family talked about the loss they were experiencing. As I was leaving and saying my goodbyes, my friend’s mom gave me a hug and began to cry as she thanked me for stopping by. She told me how much it meant to her that I came to show my support and how it helped to have someone listen. To me, my actions felt insignificant and I wished so much to do something more, but to my friends mom who was experiencing one of the worst losses a parent can experience I was providing comfort and support.

Grief is not an easy situation for either the person feeling the pain of losing a loved one or the person on the outside wishing to offer comfort. There is no “quick fix” and when approaching grief both the griever and the person offering help must know this. Just as I experienced when I was 13, sometimes all we can do is offer a shoulder to cry on and convey to that person experiencing loss that they have the support of those who love them.

Is there such a thing as too much support when helping another deal with grief? If so what actions are considered appropriate to help another manage grief and what actions are considered inappropriate?


References:

· McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.





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Social Networks and Romantic Relationships 

Posted by Morgan Seckinger

You’ve just gotten back from dinner and your best friend tells you how much she enjoyed meeting your new boyfriend. You’re ecstatic and can’t wait to tell him that he hit it off with everyone. This is an important stage in a relationship and a reassuring sign for you.

When a couple has support from their friends and family, also known as their social network, the relationship is more likely to survive. It’s important to show your support by expressing how much you like your partner’s family and friends or inviting them out with the two of you. Showing this kind of support helps to affirm your partner’s social network and create a deeper bond within your relationship (McCornack 2009).

In considering the beneficial ways to show your support, you should also be aware of the deconstructive side. Debilitating your partner’s social network can be as easy as saying critical or hurtful things about his or her family and friends. Going out of your way to avoid them won’t get you anywhere either. And these actions repeated over time will likely cause a serious problem in your relationship (McCornack 2009). If you really don’t like your partner’s friends or family it’s still necessary to realize that they probably mean a lot to him/her and to follow the “if you can’t say anything nice…” rule.

This concept is especially important today when social networks are being expanded by technology. Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace have their ups and downs when it comes to maintaining our relationships ,but it’s looking like they’re starting to take a toll specifically on our romantic relationships. Sure, it’s convenient when that constant communication is available and you always seem to know what your partners up to just by getting online, but that could be part of the problem. Even though American divorce rates have stayed the same in the last decade at about 40%, Facebook is now being cited as a leading cause in more and more divorce cases. Photos taken from the site are being used as evidence in court as well as printouts of posts and conversations (Adams ,2011). That being said ,social networking sites are still influential in maintaining a positive relationship with your partner as well. Using e-mail, texting, or Facebook to send your partner a positive message during the day can boost both of your feelings towards one another. Sharing a fun piece of news, telling a joke, or telling him or her you’ve made the dinner reservations for that night can be great midday pick me ups. Little surprises like this can go a long way in illustrating your interest in the relationship (McCornack ,2009).

This was a strong point in my last relationship. I could always count on a random text message every now and then just to let me know that he was thinking about me and I tried to reciprocate with other small gestures here and there. Fortunately, we both got along with each other’s parents and loved being around each other’s friends, which made it much easier to show our support for the other’s social networks and consequently led to a stronger relationship between us. If we hadn’t have been so fortunate with one another’s social networks, things may have been a little trickier but following some of those simple guidelines mentioned earlier would certainly have helped.


Have you been in a relationship where you didn’t get along with the other person’s family or friends? Did a social networking site help or hinder your relationship with that person?


References:
Adams, R. (2011, March 8). Facebook a top cause of relationship trouble, says US lawyers. Guardian UK, Retrieved from http://www.gaurdian.co.uk/technology/2011/mar/08/facebook-us-divorces

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal
communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Managing Sadness 

Posted by Skibum



The emotional impact of losing a loved one can be absolutely devastating, and unfortunately it is an event that everyone will have to face at some point in their lives. The only positive aspect of the situation is its commonness and regularity. What did I just say? A horrible event is positive in its regularity? Let me clarify that last statement. The fact of the matter is that such an event does not discriminate. Therefore, we are left with the unlikely benefit that everyone around (to some varying degree) has shared a similar experience. In essence, a person grieving a loss is blessed with an endless support group to help manage their emotional sadness, because everyone has felt or will feel those feelings at some point.


For example, I recently witnessed a co-worker dealing with the emotional stress of managing his sadness due to the unexpected loss of his mother. As it seems to be the case in these types of situations, I could sense the suppression of the emotion he was truly experiencing. He is normally a very expressive, extroverted individual who you can always count on to provide lively and open conversation. However, in the days after the loss, he retreated into his office and closed his door to a mere crack. This action was an obvious hint that he was present (physically but not mentally), and he was definitely not interested in sparking interaction. When the occasional interaction did occur, he became almost robotic in his responses. He would systematically go through the motions of talking about preparations for the service, closing open accounts, and dealing with the family estate. However, direct questions regarding feelings and emotions would immediately be deflected back to one of these non-emotional topics. This dramatic change of behavior was creating an emotional barrier to help him keep the sadness out. Although the suppression is understandable, the blocking out of the pain doesn’t actually address the problem. How could I have broken through to help him manage his sadness appropriately?


First, let us understand the approach to emotional management our friend and co-worker was utilizing. It is apparent that his behavioral changes were specific strategies employed for the purpose of preventing emotions; strategies such as encounter avoidance, which refers to staying away from people who will provoke emotions, encounter structuring, which refers to avoiding specific topics that will provoke emotions, and attention focus, which refers to intentionally focusing on aspects that will not provoke emotions (McCornack, 2009). By understanding his perspective, it is clear that questions like “How are you holding up?” will ultimately lead to one of these prevention strategies mentioned. Instead, a better tactic would be discussing your own personal shared experience with grief, called emotional-sharing (McCornack, 2009). The empathy shared by those who went through similar situations reinforces that he is not alone in his sadness. Others have felt has he does now, and have successfully managed their way to better times.



In my life, I have not experienced a saddening event as substantial as that of my co-worker. However, I understand that the loss of someone close to me is inevitable. When that time comes, I will rely on the shared emotions of others in my support group to help comfort the sadness. Will you rely on others, or do you think it is best to manage grief alone and let time heal all wounds?


References:McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: an introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s

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"She's an angel? Yah, right." 

Thursday, May 26, 2011 - Posted by Rachael


When I was a young kid, everyone thought I was an absolute joy and an angel. Little did they know how difficult I was when I was angry or having fits, which sadly happened all too often. I frequently wonder how my parents put up with me when I was mad, and am grateful they did because from what it sounds like, it wasn’t pretty.

My mom always reminded me when I was angry to refrain from punching or hitting, and to clap my hands or stomp my feet. That only proceeded to make me angrier, because why would I want to clap my hands when I’m mad? I totally wanted to punch something! The biggest no-no was slamming the door… I knew before I did it that it was really bad, I did it anyways, and then I would get into even more trouble. But at least I got to release some of my anger, right?

If you asked me what the definition of anger was before I did the reading for this week, I would tell you, “the state of being mad”. Not the most intelligent, informative answer. McCornack (2009) found a definition that is quite interesting and actually shined a different light on the primary emotion for me: “[anger] occurs when you are blocked or interrupted from attaining an important goal by what you see is the improper action of an external agent” (Scherer, 2001, p. 135). Anger is one of the primary emotions that can make us somewhat blind to the other’s feelings. It’s about us being irritated or stopped, and us reacting to the other’s offense against us. We might not realize that we are actually in the wrong, and our response might lead to worse consequences for our relationship. Anger is an emotion that can get violent quickly, whether physically or verbally, and can easily damage a relationship greatly with just one word or one punch.

I like how McCornack (2009, p. 135) compared anger to a ‘storm’ of emotion, since my mother also did the same. When I was a kid and I got angry at my brother, I would just start wailing on him, smacking him while crying and yelling. Not the prettiest picture, I’m sure. My mom kept trying to get me to think about the ‘storm’ as it was approaching, so I knew it was coming and could prepare myself for it to better control my actions. That didn’t work. So my mom tried a useful technique called suppression. This is a strategy some use to temporarily hide their anger, so as to not get in trouble or say/do something they might regret. I tried this for a while, but I found that my mood for the rest of the day would be sensitive and bad, and I would think negatively about many things I did or people I saw. This result of suppression is called chronic hostility, something that tends to make the situation worse rather than fixing it (McCornack, 2009). Since my initial reaction to anger was a reaction called venting, an explosive reaction to something that made me upset, and the repercussions even worse, my mom had to try another course of action. This one actually worked (well, this and time out). Mom made me count to 10 before I responded when I got angry. I would close my eyes, hold my fists by my sides, and count to ten. It was a difficult process, but I kept finding at the end of that ten, I would be calmer and even think more about what the other person was saying, not just seeing my point of view. This strategy also has a name, the Jefferson Strategy, used and named by the 3rd president of the United States (Tavris, 1989, p. 137). I still find I use this strategy at times even now, as a 21 year old, and it’s still successful.

What strategy do you find more useful when dealing with anger? Is it the same strategy you have grown up using, or recently developed?



Reference:
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA:Bedford/St. Martin's.

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Peel Back the Layers: Social Penetration is Really NOT that Scary 

Saturday, May 21, 2011 - Posted by higginsmk

I was the same as most high school seniors: graduating, attending college in the fall, getting ready to live on my own, and not have many rules to follow. James Madison was only a few weeks away as I packed up my last bag and box of all my high school and middle school memories. It was time for a new beginning, a time for me to meet new people and be the adult I finally felt I was at the age of eighteen.
That day came on August 16th: JMU was finally here! Now the hard part was finally meeting those new people and breaking down the barriers that would allow these girls and guys to become apart of my new life. I always felt like I was an outgoing person, but once I hit the JMU campus, I froze. I had no idea how to talk or meet new people. These people were all strangers to me that seemed so scary, but at the same time, I wanted them all to become apart of my inner circle, that inner circle I was so use to having in high school.
Here I am four years later, graduated from JMU and looking back on how I broke the barrier with all of the people I have now call my best friends.  The advice I give to you is to take it slow, it may take two weeks or it may take two years, but if you follow these steps, I promise, you will adapt to your college in no time and before you know it you’ll be walking across that stage accepting your diploma and saying goodbye to the best four years of your life and hello to the next chapter (sigh)
1.     The first step of disclosure and moving through the levels of intimacy is orientation. When you first meet someone, you involve yourself in low levels of depth and breadth in their conversation. You tend to stay at a superficial level that has a long duration but may only occur once. An example of this would be initial conversations with your roommates or the people living in your hall. The ‘“Hello, I’m so excited to finally be at college. Where are you from?”’ type questions. It becomes somewhat similar to speed dating (no I am not saying you have to date this person, just ask them questions as if you are trying to take them on a date), you’re asking multiple questions to find out as much about them without being too intrusive. 
2.     After your initial conversation with this person and the first layer is broken, you begin to feel that you have developed a closer relationship with him/her.  You’ll then explore potential topics that will continue your conversation. This conversation can be brought up late at night after a great party, when you and your roommate are recollecting the great night. “That guy Brian, he was so good looking, he reminded me of my boyfriend friend from high school,” you say. Then your roommate replies, “How long did you guys date? Why did you break up?” This is not a time to dig into emotions. Instead, it’s a time where you should just disclose information that is more intense then the basics of where are you from. for example, you could ask, “What do you want to major in?” It’s a time for you to test out if this relationship will escalate and become something more than acquaintances.
3.     The third step usually occurs weeks or months after your initial conversation. You have finally decided that this person is someone you trust. This stage is called affective exchange. Here, the breadth of depth of your conversation has increased drastically. You would compare this relationship with a relationship you have with your parents, siblings, best friends and/or significant others. Your trust in this person is almost at its max. You share with them past experiences and maybe even secrets that only other people at this same level may know.
4.     The last stage that individuals go through is the stable exchange stage. Here, individuals engage in complete self-disclosure. They believe that all topics of conversation are fair game and that they trust the other person to keep the information between just two of them. Some people may not ever reach this stage or feel that it’s not necessary to disclose all information to another person. This level is usually reached after a significant amount of time together; months or even years. But don’t feel like its not a friendship if you don’t reach this stage, some people feel more comfortable just keeping some stuff to themselves.
Before going off to college, remember to give it time. Friendships don’t just bud over night. Remember that taking time and getting to know and trust someone is what is important in all relationship types; romantic or platonic. The people you meet in college will be your friends for life, so don’t rush it, you will know when you meet someone if they are worth opening up to and allowing to become part of your life. Trust me, you’re talking to a pro, I don’t know what JMU would have been like if I didn’t meet all of the people I did over the last four years.


Do you think that you have to go through all of these stages to develop a lasting friendship? Can people jump from Step 1 to Step 4 without reaching all in-between? If so, how?


Reference:
Knapp, M., & Vangelisti, A. (2008). Interpersonal communication and human relationships. Allyn & Baco.
McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate. New York, New York : Bedford/St. Martins.

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The Dark Side of Communication 

Posted by conorw90

These past few weeks have been the absolute worst of my life. I’ve never felt this confused, frustrated, and alone. A short while ago, I was extremely happy and content with my life, but now it’s hard to find optimism with each passing day. My girlfriend and I recently broke up after two and a half years of dating. I met her at JMU in my first semester and ever since then I’ve loved her deeply. One of the strengths of our relationship was our communication because we could talk about anything together and whenever something was bothering one of us, we would bring it up and discuss it. Our relationship ended just a few weeks before the school year did and it was made more difficult by the fact that we were living together. The good news is that we agreed that we would try and continue to be friends and we are currently doing that. But my trust for her was lost, and I’m having a difficult time relating to her in the way I once did after everything that’s happened and everything that’s been said when we argued.
The section of the textbook that talks about the dark side of interpersonal relationships struck me because of the relevance to my current situation. Before, my ex-girlfriend and I would talk constantly and always be there for each other when we needed someone, but now it feels as if there is a gaping hole in my life that I can’t seem to fill. “Friends and lovers can be mean, petty, vindictive, and cruel to one another,” (Duck, Wood, 1995, P. 27) This statement has echoed the way we are now sometimes even though we were best friends before.
The dark side of our interpersonal relationship is causing both of us stress and pain and it’s getting to be too much to handle. We have had our issues like any couple but I never thought that the issues would get so bad that we would end it. Losing my relationship with her isn’t like losing any other girlfriend because she was truly my best friend since I met her and I have never felt as close to anyone. It almost feels like part of me is being taken away and there is nothing I can do about it which is causing me to lash out in frustration.
The truth is that neither of us wants to let one another out of our lives. Given the circumstances, she wants me to still be her friend but it is becoming more and more difficult for me to take. It’s extremely hard remembering what you had before and now that you’ve lost it after all this time. The lack of communication, and then the subsequent negative communication is the thing that is hurting me the most. Some of the negative things we both said could have been avoided but emotions run high in a situation like that and it can be difficult to restrain yourself. I don’t know if our friendship could’ve been helped if we avoided the dark side of our interpersonal relationship but I urge anyone who is ever in this situation to be careful of the things you say because even a minor phrase could change the dynamics of your relationship.
Ultimately thought this could be good for our friendship. As the book explains, communicating in difficult situations is more beneficial practice than just communicating when it’s easy. It was so easy for us to communicate before, but now that it is more challenging, it may actually help us both to grow in our own ways. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had to deal with a situation this difficult. I’ve never had a bad falling out with a friend or family member and I think after going through this situation I’ve learned a lot about how to be more effective and wise with my words.
Does negative interpersonal communication such as this help develop you into a more effective communicator in the long run?

References
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Say What? 

Friday, May 20, 2011 - Posted by Dwight

It all started when I asked my wife where she wanted to eat. Sounds relatively simple doesn’t it? Maybe to the average man, but to the average woman, it was a powder keg waiting to explode! Let me set the stage:

My immediate family consists of my wife of 30 years, a 24 year old daughter and my 21 year old son. Anyone reading this would automatically conjure up an image of a typical American family consisting of a mother, father, daughter and son. So far so good! Well there’s more! I would be remiss if I did not mention the fact that my family is a bit on the quirky side. And I do mean quirky. But, I digress because the focus of this story is to talk about communication and how it differs between men and women.

In my family, the typical birthday celebration includes the birthday person selecting the restaurant of his or her choice. Once the place is selected, the entire family goes there to eat regardless of whether or not they like the chosen cuisine. It’s just understood that the birthday person makes the choice. Okie dokie then! Enough said, right! WRONG!

It was a cold November day and my wife, Margaret, was celebrating her birthday. I would say which birthday, but there is the fear that this blog may catch her eye so I will play it safe and remain quite about her age even though her twin brother is 52. Um!

When Margaret arrived home, Briana, our daughter and Phillip, aka, Reggie our son, along with me, cheerfully greeted her with the traditional birthday song. I, in all of my infinite wisdom and being a man said, “Margaret, where do you want to eat on your birthday?” Simple enough question right! Wrong AGAIN! She spun around and lightly whispered in a barely audible tone the words “I don’t care!” Well, I tell you what, the kids quickly began rambling off their number one choices while my wife stared quizzically out into space. Once again, I uttered, “Margaret! Where do you want to eat? You can’t say, ‘I don’t care’ because the first time we select someplace, you’ll say that you don’t want to go there. Now, for the LAST time, WHERE do you want to eat?”

I don’t know what happened, but for a quick moment, everything started to move in slow motion. I kid you not! I looked up and my two kids were looking at me as if to say, “Now you’ve gone and done IT!” Done what? All I did was ask a simple question.

Brie and Phillip’s eyes darted back and forth and suddenly I heard a screeching sound coming out of my wife’s mouth. At first the words were unintelligible, but the longer I listened, the more they began to make sense. Margaret began shouting, “I told you I don’t care. Why do you keep asking me the same question? You know what I like!” Well, if that doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does! Yes, I may know what she likes, but I am not a mind reader. I can’t assume from day to day what my wife likes, because it changes. She has to communicate with me and it must be straightforward.

Unlike women, men need to know the bottom line. Women tend to get drawn into the realm of assuming men can read their minds. Well let me tell you: I’m not a mind reader! Healthy interactions must have direct messages conveyed through direct channels. Effective communication plays a vital role in the development of the whole person.

Communication skills are needed to form the basis for any type of relationship (Livestrong.com, 2011). Not only are these skills imperative for establishing and maintaining relationships, but they must be developed properly. According to the National Communication Association, the ability to communicate is formed during conception. It is after birth that babies learn verbal skills such as speaking and nonverbal skills such as discerning and emulating facial expressions by watching and interacting with others (Livestrong.com, 2011).

In Men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Gray (1992) talks about how men and women communicate differently. Gray (1992) surmises that men withdraw when confronted with major issues, whereas women want to talk about issues. This is akin to recognizing gender differences and embracing these differences so a connection can be made. If the communication is not authentic, the relationship suffers.

Looking back at the birthday debacle and reading Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, I have a better understanding and appreciation for the gender differences. Now, I can’t say that all is well on the communication front, but I can say, I think twice before asking, “Where do you want to eat?”












Why is it important for people to be able to communicate effectively with one another?



References:



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Who Am I and Did I Have Any Choice? 

Posted by Brittany




As humans, we come into the world with very little indication of the kind of person we’re going to be. We’re born with no awareness, no judgment, no ability to make distinctions between what’s good or bad, what’s likeable or not, who we should or shouldn’t be. We are given, however, certain predispositions to traits like a calm temperament or low sensitivity. But how do we acquire them? Are these inherent traits? Or are they learned? The answer isn’t conclusive. We are very much so the product of infinite environmental influences. Experts guess that about 50% of a person’s personality is inborn (McCrae at al., 2000; Rothbart, Ahadi, & Evans, 2000). This means that 50% of the influences that guide and shape the development of our personal identities are biologically intrinsic; these influences include gender, family and cultural heritage.

I grew up in a very close, tight-knit family. We fought, we loved and we cried- a lot. I remember being in elementary school, when a girl I swore would be my best friend forever and all eternity told me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and ran off to play kickball with a schoolyard rival. I was devastated. I was crushed. I came home wailing in a hugely dramatic tsunami of tears, wondering why I couldn’t just get a grip already. My mother, scooping my wild curls out of my face, simply told me, “Brittany we can’t help being emotional, we’re Cuban.” What? How does that make sense? So I’m destined to cry all the time cause my mother’s an immigrant? Well that’s unfair.

What I didn’t understand at the time was that I was born into a very particular culture. My family, Cuban and proud, was the product of years and years, generations and generations of cry babies. Our heritage embraces emotion; we see heightened emotion as the most genuine and honest form of expression a person could use. Crying, yelling, hugging- they all are indications that we feel something, strongly, toward a person or situation. What better way to know you are loved than realizing just how deeply emotional a person can get about you?

I was born into an environment that embraced certain qualities and rejected others. I was influenced, as we all are, in innumerable ways by the heritage my family derives from. Our food preferences, our beliefs about religion, our value systems are all learned through exposure to all the cultures we belong to. Culture, however, does not only describe a person’s ethnicity. Culture could be defined as an established, coherent set of beliefs, attitudes, values and practices shared by a large group of people (Keesing, 1974). According to this definition, a culture could be defined by nearly anything: sexual orientation, age, religion, etc. This means we belong to multiple cultures at the time, and furthermore, some cultures may clash. For example, your religion may discourage pre-marital sex, while your age group condones it. We then have to pick and choose which aspects of which cultures we want to align ourselves with.

Lucky for me, my family still loved me despite my outrageous crying outbursts. I was raised by two parents who, though probably thoroughly annoyed by me, still remained phenomenal role models in their unlimited capacity for understanding and forgiveness, their tenderness and their wisdom. These values were important to me as a child and remain intrinsic parts of my being to this day. In short, my parents ingrained these personality traits in me from the second I came into the world; my familial relationships established another realm of my personal identity.

Perhaps we do not realize how formative our childhood years are. When we begin to become self-aware, we look for signs that guide us into our own individuality. We develop self-concepts. As we grow, the people who raise us purposely and accidentally teach us values, attitudes and beliefs about the world and about ourselves. Moreover, the way we relate to our caregivers establish the blueprints for the way we treat all interpersonal relationships in the future.

There are two dimensions of attachment that guide our relationships. The first is attachment anxiety; this dimension has to do with fearing rejection. People who are high in attachment anxiety may feel unworthy or unlovable, while people who experience low attachment anxiety are confident and comfortable with attention. A child could develop anywhere on the spectrum depending on the amount of love, support and affection he/she received from caregivers. The more love, support and affection, the lower the anxiety and vice versa. The second dimension is attachment avoidance, which could be described as a person’s willingness to form close, intimate relationships. High attachment avoidant personalities typically do not desire or prioritize close relationships and may prefer solitude. People who experience low attachment avoidant, though, crave intimacy and interdependence. Once again, the more love, support and affection, the lower the attachment avoidance and vice versa (Collins & Feeney, 2004; Crowell, Fraley, & Shaver, 1999).

These two dimensions lead to four attachment styles: secure attachment, preoccupied attachment, dismissive attachment and fearful attachment. Secure attachment involves both low attachment anxiety and low attachment avoidance. Preoccupied attachment includes high attachment anxiety and low attachment avoidance. Dismissive attachment involves low anxiety, but high avoidance. Finally, fearful attachment includes both high anxiety and high avoidance (Collins & Feeney, 2004).

Aside from culture and family, we are also informed by gender. Gender, mind you, is not synonymous with sex. Gender is learned, while sex is biological. While my mother taught me to “cry it out,” my brothers were raised to be sturdy shoulders to cry on. We are taught, socially, culturally and psychologically, to identify as either male or female, and to then subscribe to the appropriate set of traits. Girls are taught to be sensitive, emotional and nurturing, while boys are taught to be competitive, assertive and brave.

Through all these influences, I eventually grew into the person here writing this essay today. A Cuban. A girl. A Diaz. But I am much more than all of these things. At the end of the day I am left wondering, now that I am on my own, separated from my family’s influences, how much of my personality is my choice? How much is yours? Feel free to respond with a story or opinion about how autonomous you believe you are in the choices you make and opinions you have, as they relate to “who you are.”



References:

· Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2004) An attachment theory perspective on closeness and intimacy. In D. J. Mashek & A. Aron (Eds.) Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 163-187). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
· Crowell, J. A., Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (1999). Measurement of individual differences in adolescent and adult attachment. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.) Handbook of attachment: Theory, research and clinical applications (pp. 434-465). New York: Guilford Press.
· Keesing, R. M. (1974). Theories of culture. Annual Review of Anthropology, 3, 73-79.
· McCrae, R. R., Costa, P. T., Jr., Ostendorf, F., Angleleitner, A., Hrebickova, M., Avia, M. D., et al. (2000). Nature over nurture: Temperament, personality, and life span development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 173-186.
· Rothbart, M. K., Ahadi, S. A., & Evans, D. E. (2000). Temperament and personality: Origins and outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 122-135.

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