My aunt has lived in the same small southern town in Georgia for most of her life. She is still happily married to my uncle, whom she started dating when she was only sixteen. Their first date was to church and to this day they attend services on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings; she plays the piano and he leads the choir. My aunt is not a woman of change, but one of comfortable routine, like many of the women in my family are known to be. Interracial marriages, however, are not part of that routine. So when my cousin proposed to his now fiancée who happens to be a woman of color a few of my family members were wary of how my aunt would take the news. After the initial realization that my cousin was head over heels in love with Michelle and intended on marrying her with or without her or anyone else’s approval, my aunt changed her perception and welcomed them as a couple with loving and open arms. Although it sounds like this process went over seamlessly, my aunt faced many bumps in the road while she was trying to look at the marriage from a different viewpoint than she was accustomed to using. She had to engage in the two critical aspects of changing her perception; empathizing with my cousin and his fiancée and questioning her own perception.
The first step of empathizing with others includes two subcategories, perspective taking and empathic concern. Perspective taking is the ability to take a step back and perceive another person’s perspective without taking into account their emotional feeling behind it. Empathic concern then takes into account those emotions behind the other person’s feeling. Both of these subcategories together should evoke compassion in the individual trying to change his/her perception. However, it is not enough to simply go through the motions of empathizing with someone; you should then make the effort to convey your message to the other person. When doing this, it is important not to use the pronoun “I” in the message as it can be taken in a patronizing tone. For example, you shouldn’t say, “I know how you feel” because chances are the person will feel as though you couldn’t possibly know their situation. If “I” is used, while your intentions were most likely for the best, it is probable that the listener will feel belittled or possibly annoyed. This is especially important if the person has encountered a large tragedy like the loss of a loved one. It is always better to try your best to be there for someone without assuming you know exactly what they are going through emotionally (McCornack 2009).
Another way to improve your perception of others is through perception checking. The first step in this process is to check your punctuation and realize that different people punctuate in different ways depending on the situation. Having the ability to see this will help you view the various aspects of the situation more clearly. The second step is to assess your knowledge. Assuming to know what someone else “really” meant won’t lead you to a clearer perception so never hesitate to ask someone to clarify what he/she meant. Next, you should assess your attributions. It is typical to attribute certain communication or behavior patterns solely to his/her personality but in order to continue to change your perception, you need to remember that interpersonal communication involves both internal and external forces. Instead of assuming someone is rude simply because you received a curt text message or e-mail from him or her, try to take into account that he or she could have simply had a stressful day. Perceptual influences should also be evaluated. It is important to realize matters such as gender, personality, and culture mold your perception. You should appraise these influences to determine whether they change your communication and/or relationships and if so, how? Finally, it is necessary to check your impressions. A critical part of this last step is to realize that although stereotyping is hard to avoid given our human nature, keeping a flexible opinion open about the person will help negate the stereotypical viewpoint (McCornack 2009). Taking in new knowledge about the individual and allowing that information to shape your perception, rather than seeing the stereotype alone, will help make this last step a success.
My aunt went through these steps over a period of months until it led her to change her perception of my cousin’s fiancée and their marriage. It just goes to show that no matter how rooted in tradition your family may be, as long as someone keeps an open mind to change, there’s no reason to hold on to unwarranted negative perceptions.
Have you had to evaluate and improve your perception of someone? Did you follow any of these steps? How did it turn out?
Reference:
- McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.
