It’s strange to think that instead of just being ourselves, we put on a mask and say ‘Here’s the person you think I am or want me to be.’ Hardly ever do we just be who we are. But then again, it takes a lot to show your true self.
There are many layers to who we are that we allow people to see, and ones we don’t want them to see, because we’re afraid of what they might think or how it will affect our relationships. McCornack (2009) mentions social penetration theory, which explores how we reveal ourselves to others by opening up these layers, slowly but surely. We gradually bond with others overtime, and if intimacy is desired, the most core layers need to be reached. The outer layers are the topics we use when we first meet someone like, “My name is Rachael Brubaker, I’m 21, and I was born in New Orleans.” Age, gender, ethnicity and other initial topics like these are easy to talk about because they are more informative and basic. The next few layers are still conversational since they are about our likes and dislikes of universal things such as food, music, and what we do in our free time. It is at the central layers of ourselves that we find our most core beliefs that are rooted deeply into who we are. It is here that we get nervous about what we share because “exposing ourselves to others can make us feel vulnerable” (McCornack, 2009, p. 60). When I think about the word vulnerability, I get nervous because I know about being too vulnerable (or being vulnerable with the wrong person) and getting hurt. Even the origin of the word means ‘to wound’, suggesting that there might be pain in the process (Dictionary.com). That isn’t always the case, but there is that risk, and risk makes many people nervous. Do we even fully understand we what forms our core identities? Are we ready for someone else to know us that deeply? What about rejection? All of these questions help raise the barriers that we put up around our central layers to keep people from really knowing who we are.
It’s the study of the relational self that lead us to realize that in order to get to the strong, intimate relationships we desire, we have to get to that center layer, and also learn more about who we are, because even we don’t know ourselves completely. It takes time, but each relationship’s progressing (or digressing) speed is different. One has to take into account the breadth (how much will you reveal?) and the depth (how far into your core have you gone?) of the relationship. Once you've spent a long time together and you start to et closer, it's hard to miss the other's qualities and you notice things about them they might not know about themselves.
Self-disclosure, which is something I’ve learned a lot about this past year is an aspect of your relationship that you can’t force. Someone reveals private information in order to reach a new, deeper level of intimacy, and it can be successful or sometimes can backfire. I had personal experience with this past semester with my boyfriend. The third time we met, for some reason, we talked about both politics and religion, two of the don’t-talk-about-it-yet topics that usually aren’t talked about until the sixth or seventh meeting. We talked for three hours and got closer, even though our views were vastly different. We were accepting, understanding, and curious about each other’s thoughts; no judgment included. We didn’t actually start dating though until 3 months later, when I saw a vulnerable side of him that I was surprised to see. He confided in me, which felt like both an honor and a burden. I won’t go into the details, but I found it was easier to let him do this because he went slow so I could understand, waited until we were closer to share it, told me over the phone so he didn’t have to show me his weak side in person (oh, men), and felt way better after he did it. I didn’t realize how much self-disclosure could do for a relationship, and I’m glad he did it. But I can see how if can also go the other way. (The picture below is of us two, but I choose this one-dorky I know- because it shows the vastness around us, representing the time and focus it takes to get to us, the real us, in the center).
At what point is self-disclosure more harmful than helpful? And should we strive more to discover and possibly improve the parts of us that we don’t know or that others see?
References
"Vulnerable." Dictionary.com. 2011. Web. 18 May 2011.
McCornack, S. (2007). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Botson: Bedford St. Martins.
