Showing posts with label Week 1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Week 1. Show all posts

Peel Back the Layers: Social Penetration is Really NOT that Scary 

Saturday, May 21, 2011 - Posted by higginsmk

I was the same as most high school seniors: graduating, attending college in the fall, getting ready to live on my own, and not have many rules to follow. James Madison was only a few weeks away as I packed up my last bag and box of all my high school and middle school memories. It was time for a new beginning, a time for me to meet new people and be the adult I finally felt I was at the age of eighteen.
That day came on August 16th: JMU was finally here! Now the hard part was finally meeting those new people and breaking down the barriers that would allow these girls and guys to become apart of my new life. I always felt like I was an outgoing person, but once I hit the JMU campus, I froze. I had no idea how to talk or meet new people. These people were all strangers to me that seemed so scary, but at the same time, I wanted them all to become apart of my inner circle, that inner circle I was so use to having in high school.
Here I am four years later, graduated from JMU and looking back on how I broke the barrier with all of the people I have now call my best friends.  The advice I give to you is to take it slow, it may take two weeks or it may take two years, but if you follow these steps, I promise, you will adapt to your college in no time and before you know it you’ll be walking across that stage accepting your diploma and saying goodbye to the best four years of your life and hello to the next chapter (sigh)
1.     The first step of disclosure and moving through the levels of intimacy is orientation. When you first meet someone, you involve yourself in low levels of depth and breadth in their conversation. You tend to stay at a superficial level that has a long duration but may only occur once. An example of this would be initial conversations with your roommates or the people living in your hall. The ‘“Hello, I’m so excited to finally be at college. Where are you from?”’ type questions. It becomes somewhat similar to speed dating (no I am not saying you have to date this person, just ask them questions as if you are trying to take them on a date), you’re asking multiple questions to find out as much about them without being too intrusive. 
2.     After your initial conversation with this person and the first layer is broken, you begin to feel that you have developed a closer relationship with him/her.  You’ll then explore potential topics that will continue your conversation. This conversation can be brought up late at night after a great party, when you and your roommate are recollecting the great night. “That guy Brian, he was so good looking, he reminded me of my boyfriend friend from high school,” you say. Then your roommate replies, “How long did you guys date? Why did you break up?” This is not a time to dig into emotions. Instead, it’s a time where you should just disclose information that is more intense then the basics of where are you from. for example, you could ask, “What do you want to major in?” It’s a time for you to test out if this relationship will escalate and become something more than acquaintances.
3.     The third step usually occurs weeks or months after your initial conversation. You have finally decided that this person is someone you trust. This stage is called affective exchange. Here, the breadth of depth of your conversation has increased drastically. You would compare this relationship with a relationship you have with your parents, siblings, best friends and/or significant others. Your trust in this person is almost at its max. You share with them past experiences and maybe even secrets that only other people at this same level may know.
4.     The last stage that individuals go through is the stable exchange stage. Here, individuals engage in complete self-disclosure. They believe that all topics of conversation are fair game and that they trust the other person to keep the information between just two of them. Some people may not ever reach this stage or feel that it’s not necessary to disclose all information to another person. This level is usually reached after a significant amount of time together; months or even years. But don’t feel like its not a friendship if you don’t reach this stage, some people feel more comfortable just keeping some stuff to themselves.
Before going off to college, remember to give it time. Friendships don’t just bud over night. Remember that taking time and getting to know and trust someone is what is important in all relationship types; romantic or platonic. The people you meet in college will be your friends for life, so don’t rush it, you will know when you meet someone if they are worth opening up to and allowing to become part of your life. Trust me, you’re talking to a pro, I don’t know what JMU would have been like if I didn’t meet all of the people I did over the last four years.


Do you think that you have to go through all of these stages to develop a lasting friendship? Can people jump from Step 1 to Step 4 without reaching all in-between? If so, how?


Reference:
Knapp, M., & Vangelisti, A. (2008). Interpersonal communication and human relationships. Allyn & Baco.
McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate. New York, New York : Bedford/St. Martins.

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The Dark Side of Communication 

Posted by conorw90

These past few weeks have been the absolute worst of my life. I’ve never felt this confused, frustrated, and alone. A short while ago, I was extremely happy and content with my life, but now it’s hard to find optimism with each passing day. My girlfriend and I recently broke up after two and a half years of dating. I met her at JMU in my first semester and ever since then I’ve loved her deeply. One of the strengths of our relationship was our communication because we could talk about anything together and whenever something was bothering one of us, we would bring it up and discuss it. Our relationship ended just a few weeks before the school year did and it was made more difficult by the fact that we were living together. The good news is that we agreed that we would try and continue to be friends and we are currently doing that. But my trust for her was lost, and I’m having a difficult time relating to her in the way I once did after everything that’s happened and everything that’s been said when we argued.
The section of the textbook that talks about the dark side of interpersonal relationships struck me because of the relevance to my current situation. Before, my ex-girlfriend and I would talk constantly and always be there for each other when we needed someone, but now it feels as if there is a gaping hole in my life that I can’t seem to fill. “Friends and lovers can be mean, petty, vindictive, and cruel to one another,” (Duck, Wood, 1995, P. 27) This statement has echoed the way we are now sometimes even though we were best friends before.
The dark side of our interpersonal relationship is causing both of us stress and pain and it’s getting to be too much to handle. We have had our issues like any couple but I never thought that the issues would get so bad that we would end it. Losing my relationship with her isn’t like losing any other girlfriend because she was truly my best friend since I met her and I have never felt as close to anyone. It almost feels like part of me is being taken away and there is nothing I can do about it which is causing me to lash out in frustration.
The truth is that neither of us wants to let one another out of our lives. Given the circumstances, she wants me to still be her friend but it is becoming more and more difficult for me to take. It’s extremely hard remembering what you had before and now that you’ve lost it after all this time. The lack of communication, and then the subsequent negative communication is the thing that is hurting me the most. Some of the negative things we both said could have been avoided but emotions run high in a situation like that and it can be difficult to restrain yourself. I don’t know if our friendship could’ve been helped if we avoided the dark side of our interpersonal relationship but I urge anyone who is ever in this situation to be careful of the things you say because even a minor phrase could change the dynamics of your relationship.
Ultimately thought this could be good for our friendship. As the book explains, communicating in difficult situations is more beneficial practice than just communicating when it’s easy. It was so easy for us to communicate before, but now that it is more challenging, it may actually help us both to grow in our own ways. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had to deal with a situation this difficult. I’ve never had a bad falling out with a friend or family member and I think after going through this situation I’ve learned a lot about how to be more effective and wise with my words.
Does negative interpersonal communication such as this help develop you into a more effective communicator in the long run?

References
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Say What? 

Friday, May 20, 2011 - Posted by Anonymous

It all started when I asked my wife where she wanted to eat. Sounds relatively simple doesn’t it? Maybe to the average man, but to the average woman, it was a powder keg waiting to explode! Let me set the stage:

My immediate family consists of my wife of 30 years, a 24 year old daughter and my 21 year old son. Anyone reading this would automatically conjure up an image of a typical American family consisting of a mother, father, daughter and son. So far so good! Well there’s more! I would be remiss if I did not mention the fact that my family is a bit on the quirky side. And I do mean quirky. But, I digress because the focus of this story is to talk about communication and how it differs between men and women.

In my family, the typical birthday celebration includes the birthday person selecting the restaurant of his or her choice. Once the place is selected, the entire family goes there to eat regardless of whether or not they like the chosen cuisine. It’s just understood that the birthday person makes the choice. Okie dokie then! Enough said, right! WRONG!

It was a cold November day and my wife, Margaret, was celebrating her birthday. I would say which birthday, but there is the fear that this blog may catch her eye so I will play it safe and remain quite about her age even though her twin brother is 52. Um!

When Margaret arrived home, Briana, our daughter and Phillip, aka, Reggie our son, along with me, cheerfully greeted her with the traditional birthday song. I, in all of my infinite wisdom and being a man said, “Margaret, where do you want to eat on your birthday?” Simple enough question right! Wrong AGAIN! She spun around and lightly whispered in a barely audible tone the words “I don’t care!” Well, I tell you what, the kids quickly began rambling off their number one choices while my wife stared quizzically out into space. Once again, I uttered, “Margaret! Where do you want to eat? You can’t say, ‘I don’t care’ because the first time we select someplace, you’ll say that you don’t want to go there. Now, for the LAST time, WHERE do you want to eat?”

I don’t know what happened, but for a quick moment, everything started to move in slow motion. I kid you not! I looked up and my two kids were looking at me as if to say, “Now you’ve gone and done IT!” Done what? All I did was ask a simple question.

Brie and Phillip’s eyes darted back and forth and suddenly I heard a screeching sound coming out of my wife’s mouth. At first the words were unintelligible, but the longer I listened, the more they began to make sense. Margaret began shouting, “I told you I don’t care. Why do you keep asking me the same question? You know what I like!” Well, if that doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does! Yes, I may know what she likes, but I am not a mind reader. I can’t assume from day to day what my wife likes, because it changes. She has to communicate with me and it must be straightforward.

Unlike women, men need to know the bottom line. Women tend to get drawn into the realm of assuming men can read their minds. Well let me tell you: I’m not a mind reader! Healthy interactions must have direct messages conveyed through direct channels. Effective communication plays a vital role in the development of the whole person.

Communication skills are needed to form the basis for any type of relationship (Livestrong.com, 2011). Not only are these skills imperative for establishing and maintaining relationships, but they must be developed properly. According to the National Communication Association, the ability to communicate is formed during conception. It is after birth that babies learn verbal skills such as speaking and nonverbal skills such as discerning and emulating facial expressions by watching and interacting with others (Livestrong.com, 2011).

In Men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Gray (1992) talks about how men and women communicate differently. Gray (1992) surmises that men withdraw when confronted with major issues, whereas women want to talk about issues. This is akin to recognizing gender differences and embracing these differences so a connection can be made. If the communication is not authentic, the relationship suffers.

Looking back at the birthday debacle and reading Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, I have a better understanding and appreciation for the gender differences. Now, I can’t say that all is well on the communication front, but I can say, I think twice before asking, “Where do you want to eat?”












Why is it important for people to be able to communicate effectively with one another?



References:



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Who Am I and Did I Have Any Choice? 

Posted by Brittany




As humans, we come into the world with very little indication of the kind of person we’re going to be. We’re born with no awareness, no judgment, no ability to make distinctions between what’s good or bad, what’s likeable or not, who we should or shouldn’t be. We are given, however, certain predispositions to traits like a calm temperament or low sensitivity. But how do we acquire them? Are these inherent traits? Or are they learned? The answer isn’t conclusive. We are very much so the product of infinite environmental influences. Experts guess that about 50% of a person’s personality is inborn (McCrae at al., 2000; Rothbart, Ahadi, & Evans, 2000). This means that 50% of the influences that guide and shape the development of our personal identities are biologically intrinsic; these influences include gender, family and cultural heritage.

I grew up in a very close, tight-knit family. We fought, we loved and we cried- a lot. I remember being in elementary school, when a girl I swore would be my best friend forever and all eternity told me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and ran off to play kickball with a schoolyard rival. I was devastated. I was crushed. I came home wailing in a hugely dramatic tsunami of tears, wondering why I couldn’t just get a grip already. My mother, scooping my wild curls out of my face, simply told me, “Brittany we can’t help being emotional, we’re Cuban.” What? How does that make sense? So I’m destined to cry all the time cause my mother’s an immigrant? Well that’s unfair.

What I didn’t understand at the time was that I was born into a very particular culture. My family, Cuban and proud, was the product of years and years, generations and generations of cry babies. Our heritage embraces emotion; we see heightened emotion as the most genuine and honest form of expression a person could use. Crying, yelling, hugging- they all are indications that we feel something, strongly, toward a person or situation. What better way to know you are loved than realizing just how deeply emotional a person can get about you?

I was born into an environment that embraced certain qualities and rejected others. I was influenced, as we all are, in innumerable ways by the heritage my family derives from. Our food preferences, our beliefs about religion, our value systems are all learned through exposure to all the cultures we belong to. Culture, however, does not only describe a person’s ethnicity. Culture could be defined as an established, coherent set of beliefs, attitudes, values and practices shared by a large group of people (Keesing, 1974). According to this definition, a culture could be defined by nearly anything: sexual orientation, age, religion, etc. This means we belong to multiple cultures at the time, and furthermore, some cultures may clash. For example, your religion may discourage pre-marital sex, while your age group condones it. We then have to pick and choose which aspects of which cultures we want to align ourselves with.

Lucky for me, my family still loved me despite my outrageous crying outbursts. I was raised by two parents who, though probably thoroughly annoyed by me, still remained phenomenal role models in their unlimited capacity for understanding and forgiveness, their tenderness and their wisdom. These values were important to me as a child and remain intrinsic parts of my being to this day. In short, my parents ingrained these personality traits in me from the second I came into the world; my familial relationships established another realm of my personal identity.

Perhaps we do not realize how formative our childhood years are. When we begin to become self-aware, we look for signs that guide us into our own individuality. We develop self-concepts. As we grow, the people who raise us purposely and accidentally teach us values, attitudes and beliefs about the world and about ourselves. Moreover, the way we relate to our caregivers establish the blueprints for the way we treat all interpersonal relationships in the future.

There are two dimensions of attachment that guide our relationships. The first is attachment anxiety; this dimension has to do with fearing rejection. People who are high in attachment anxiety may feel unworthy or unlovable, while people who experience low attachment anxiety are confident and comfortable with attention. A child could develop anywhere on the spectrum depending on the amount of love, support and affection he/she received from caregivers. The more love, support and affection, the lower the anxiety and vice versa. The second dimension is attachment avoidance, which could be described as a person’s willingness to form close, intimate relationships. High attachment avoidant personalities typically do not desire or prioritize close relationships and may prefer solitude. People who experience low attachment avoidant, though, crave intimacy and interdependence. Once again, the more love, support and affection, the lower the attachment avoidance and vice versa (Collins & Feeney, 2004; Crowell, Fraley, & Shaver, 1999).

These two dimensions lead to four attachment styles: secure attachment, preoccupied attachment, dismissive attachment and fearful attachment. Secure attachment involves both low attachment anxiety and low attachment avoidance. Preoccupied attachment includes high attachment anxiety and low attachment avoidance. Dismissive attachment involves low anxiety, but high avoidance. Finally, fearful attachment includes both high anxiety and high avoidance (Collins & Feeney, 2004).

Aside from culture and family, we are also informed by gender. Gender, mind you, is not synonymous with sex. Gender is learned, while sex is biological. While my mother taught me to “cry it out,” my brothers were raised to be sturdy shoulders to cry on. We are taught, socially, culturally and psychologically, to identify as either male or female, and to then subscribe to the appropriate set of traits. Girls are taught to be sensitive, emotional and nurturing, while boys are taught to be competitive, assertive and brave.

Through all these influences, I eventually grew into the person here writing this essay today. A Cuban. A girl. A Diaz. But I am much more than all of these things. At the end of the day I am left wondering, now that I am on my own, separated from my family’s influences, how much of my personality is my choice? How much is yours? Feel free to respond with a story or opinion about how autonomous you believe you are in the choices you make and opinions you have, as they relate to “who you are.”



References:

· Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2004) An attachment theory perspective on closeness and intimacy. In D. J. Mashek & A. Aron (Eds.) Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 163-187). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
· Crowell, J. A., Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (1999). Measurement of individual differences in adolescent and adult attachment. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.) Handbook of attachment: Theory, research and clinical applications (pp. 434-465). New York: Guilford Press.
· Keesing, R. M. (1974). Theories of culture. Annual Review of Anthropology, 3, 73-79.
· McCrae, R. R., Costa, P. T., Jr., Ostendorf, F., Angleleitner, A., Hrebickova, M., Avia, M. D., et al. (2000). Nature over nurture: Temperament, personality, and life span development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 173-186.
· Rothbart, M. K., Ahadi, S. A., & Evans, D. E. (2000). Temperament and personality: Origins and outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 122-135.

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Answering your Interpersonal Communication Problems 

Posted by T.Brannigan



My friends and I decided to view an action packed movie called, “Watchmen” on a Saturday night. It was only five of us, three guys and two girls (who happened to be very attractive). Two of my guy friends left the room and got involved in some other activity. At this point, I found myself in a great position to spark some conversation with these lovely ladies. The movie came to an end and we decided to turn on the TV to keep us entertained. We were sitting right next to each other and they even showed signs of interest by giving me positive glares with direct body attention. However, there was something holding me back. It was as if my thoughts and communication skills were not working right.

The night went on and things began to get more awkward with the conversations that ensued. It also seemed as if time was operating in slow motion because of the silence in the room. As a result of the silence and tension in the room, I began to get frustrated with myself and question myself. Why can’t you spark a conversation? Why are you so frustrated with yourself right now? What is holding you back? There are two beautiful ladies in front of you why can’t you just open your mouth and say something? These questions would haunt me for the rest of the night as I continued to sit there quietly until everyone left. It was not a happy night for me and I ended up going to bed with my emotions all over the place.

My life experiences and overall maturing over the last several has made talking with others a lot less difficult. The skills I’ve acquired through my education have significantly improved my communication skills. Also, learning about interpersonal communication in particular has helped to reinforce the confidence I have about communicating interpersonally.

McCornack (2009) discusses three main components that are valuable when learning about interpersonal communication: Interpersonal Essentials, Interpersonal Skills, and Interpersonal Relationships. When you incorporate these components into your day-to-day interactions, you can create happy and healthier relationships with others.





Interpersonal Essentials is how much you know about yourself and also involves your self-esteem. It will help you in the long run with managing your emotions by not letting them get in the way of your everyday communication. Judging others and having your preconceived perceptions that delay your communication is also addressed and having the right interpersonal essentials will stop you from making errors.

Interpersonal Skills is all about how you put the information you have learned and skill to the real test of connecting with others. You will also make your interpersonal communication competence stronger by communicating with ethics, manners, and in an effective way. Communication skills are very necessary to have because they will help strengthen your interpersonal relationships. With strong interpersonal relationships you can make positive choices and forward progress with people.

Interpersonal Relationships in my opinion is the primary component that you want to give a lot of attention. It covers the emotional aspects and thought processes that are involved in your communication. The majority of people allow their emotions, especially anger, to get in the way of their connections with others. It helps your conversation skills with friends, parents, loved ones, and connecting with people you just met.

“Interpersonal Communication is our primary vehicle for exchanging meaning, connecting emotionally, and building relationships with others” (McCornack, 2009 p. 32). With strong Interpersonal skills you will also allow yourself to network with other professionals. Practicing healthy interpersonal communication can also lead you to your significant other. The next time you engage one of your friends in conversation, think about all the aspects that keep your relationship positive. Start practicing with the ones that are closest to you.




  • What are other essential components that you would add to interpersonal communication?
  • Do you think it’s important for everyone to have this background knowledge? Explain.
  • Without interpersonal communication skills where would you see yourself in life?



References:
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Bedford/ St. Martin’s.


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The Way We Present Ourselves to Others 

Posted by Jamie
Let's take a trip down memory lane back to our high school days. High school can hold a series of mixed emotions for many people. Some remember the friends they had or various activities they were a part of. Others have a more cynical view of their high school memories remembering it as a place full of judging eyes and people being categorized into certain stereotypes. Some of these people were unfairly assigned a stereotype such as the "math geek" whose only flaw was his/her intelligence. Others worked hard to be a part of the more popular groups and made sure that they presented themselves in a way that matched the stereotypical characteristics of the group they so desperately wanted to be a part of.


In the simplest terms...we care about what others think of us. Sound familiar?


Therefore, we work hard to present ourselves to others in a way that matches how we want to be portrayed. According to McCornack (2009) we have two selves; our private self and our public self. Our private self is our inner self, composed of our self awareness, self-concept, and self-esteem. Our public self, on the other hand, is the side that we show to others and is what the rest of the world uses to judge us. To others, our public self is who we are and although the private and public selves should ideally be similar, sometimes we change our public self to emulate what we wish to be and how we wish others to see us.



One way that we present ourselves is by using various "faces". As McCornack says, our face is what we want others to see and is something we actively create and portray throughout our day--to--day interactions. Using our high school example again, say a girl wants to be considered popular. She may adopt the face of being outgoing and confident when around her fellow classmates. Your face can be absolutely anything you want it to be...as long as you make an active effort to stick to it.



However, if we choose to portray a certain face to others, our actions must be consistent with that persona. If our actions begin to contradict the face we are trying to portray, our entire public self comes into question. For example, imagine that someone attempts to wear the face of a"good student". They are respectful to their teachers and study hard in order to achieve good grades. However,if they were to get caught skipping classes one day, their face of being a good student would be threatened and people would wonder if this person was really the student they thought they were. I guess this is where the popular expression "saving face" comes into play. To continue to present ourselves in certain light, we have to avoid these contradicting actions and perform damage control if we unfortunately are caught in a contradiction.


Sometimes we may even unconsciously use various faces and present ourselves in different ways. I can remember my parents telling me when was about eleven years old that I acted like a completely different person when I was around my friends. Being eleven years old, I was just entering middle school which as we all know can be filled with pre-teens with attitude problems and ideas of being more grown up than they actually are. I was no different. My parents sat me down one day and told me that at home with them I was always respectful and got along relatively well with them. However, if I had friends over I would begin to do things and act like a different person. I would start talking back to them and ignoring things they would tell me to do. Thinking back on this story now as a 20 year old, I realize what I was doing was portraying a face of what thought was cool and presenting myself to my friends in this manner so they would in fact think I was cool. It is even more interesting that I had no idea at the time that I was doing this which begs the questions:





Can we possess multiple face and if so do we portray different "faces" when we are around certain people? How can we manage these different faces? Is it possible?




So whether you're a middle school girl striving to be cool or an adult who wants to be seen as a hard worker in his/her career, we all use various faces in order to manipulate our public selves to emulate the person we strive to be. The key thing is to remember that although it is natural to have two different selves, a private and a public, we must try to keep them similar without breaking who we are simply to be something we think we want to be. No matter how goofy or silly we may think we are, sometimes we simply need to be ourselves and present ourselves as such to others.









References:


  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA:Bedford/St. Martin's.




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Perceived Silence 

Posted by Skibum
It had been several months since we had seen or even established decent communication with our friends from Richmond. This was a fun couple who lived parallel lives to ours. In the past, we could easily laugh together, share experiences, and generally communicate without effort. However, over the years, the interactions between us lessened. Sure, distance was a factor. We moved in separate directions, us to Baltimore and them to Richmond. You don’t necessarily look forward to jumping in the car and driving around the DC beltway every weekend. We both grew into our new lives, with new friends and hobbies in our respective areas. However, even considering this natural growing apart due to distance, we were always able to maintain a fairly stable relationship. We would catch up routinely, compare stories, and even get together on occasion when the timing cooperated.





References:McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: an introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s
So what gives? Why as of late does our communication seem non-existent? Do they think our life isn’t busy either? We’ve tried our best to communicate through email and text when time permitted, but the recent responses seemed impersonal and rushed. I know we missed their daughter’s first birthday party, but they said they understood. Why do they seem to be holding such a grudge? We perceived their silence as sign to move on. I know we weren’t always the most punctual when it came to communication, but it appeared we would now exist only as a casual “how are you doing, great, see you in another couple years” type of relationship. So we went silent as well. What’s the point? If they don’t have the time for us then why put in the effort, right? Well, we have our own lives to deal with up here so I wish you well and we’ll see you when we see you I guess.


Poor decision!! Imagine our shock when we finally heard the news that one of them was dealing with a serious health condition that just presented itself six months ago. On top of the pain and discomfort, the time constraints of dealing with the treatments resulted in incredible amounts of stress at work and at home. They literally did not have time to communicate, and they sure didn’t want to feel like they were dumping their burdens on us when they did finally get around to touching base. Imagine the guilt we felt when they apologized to us for not staying in contact.


How did we let this happen? The trouble was in our misinterpretation of their actions. We were trying to interpret why there was a sudden lack of communication. According to McCornack (2009), we created explanations for our friends’ behaviors, or attributions, that answered the “why” question we were asking. Unfortunately, these attributions led us to a horribly false conclusion. I regret this deeply, and I plan to make amends for my miscalculation. To do so, I plan to look inside myself and do some soul searching. I plan to change my communication behavior through critical self-reflection by asking myself (McCornack, 2009):


·What am I thinking and feeling?
·Why am I thinking and feeling the way I am?
·How are my inner thoughts and feelings affecting my communication behavior?
·How can I improve my thoughts, feelings, and communication behavior?

My hopes are that improved self-awareness will allow me to be more in-tune with my interpersonal relationships and enhance my overall communication skills. With any luck, maybe I can remove the blinders that kept me from seeing the issues my friends were having and missing out on being there when they could have used a supporting voice.



I understand my error of misperceiving the situation, but is self-reflection the best way for me avoid repeating history?

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The Components of Self 

Posted by Emma Crutchfield
Rene Descarte once said, “I think, therefore I am” and though this is very assuring to some, many follow that statement with a question- “but, who am I?”. As any “tween” will tell you, it is very difficult to figure out exactly who you are. Does this perceived difficulty come from being overwhelmed, not knowing where to start, frustration that you aren’t who you used to be, or something entirely different? I know I can’t help with some of those issues, but I can help identify the components of the self, so you at least know where to start.
Three components make up the self, conveniently all begin with “self”: self-awareness, self-concept, and self-esteem.
1.Self-awareness can be defined as “the ability to step outside yourself; to view yourself as a unique person distinct from your surrounding environment, and reflect upon your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors” (McCornack, 2010, p.40). Self-awareness allows you to judge your actions and interpret them into a personality trait. An important exercise in enhancing interpersonal communication is a sort-of elevated form of self-awareness called “critical self-reflection” when you ask yourself certain questions so you may judge how you can improve.
2.Self-concept is the “overall perception of who you are” (McCornack, 2010, p.41). Self-concept revolves largely around your beliefs about yourself which can be impacted by many factors; some factors being family, culture, and gender. Often, self-concept can shaped by the labels others put on us and how we emotionally respond to these labels. Self-concept is difficult to change because it revolves around the deep-set beliefs, attitudes, and values you hold.
3.Self-esteem is “the overall value that we assign ourselves” (McCornack, 2010, p.43). Self-esteem is the evaluation of self concept because it forces you to ponder how much you are worth. Self-esteem affects relationships, interpersonal skills, and our outlooks on life. The self-discrepancy theory speculates that self-esteem is determined by comparing the ideal self and the ought self. The ideal self being the characteristics you want to posses, and the ought self being who others expect you to be (McCornack, 2010).
As I mentioned before, I believe that questioning one’s self image is most outwardly expressed by teenagers and “tweens.” At their age, their bodies are changing, along with their hormones, so they are at the most active time of self-doubt and self change. As a tween I know I certainly struggled with figuring out who I was everyday. I believe most of my confusion came from being an only child with older parents (in their late 40s and 50s) so I did not have a close family role-model who was a member of my generation. I developed my sense of self by judging others actions and either trying them out for myself or vowing to never act the way they had.
One defining moment I recall from high school was when I realized I identified myself as kind, and not only kind but I was gutsy enough to define myself as the kindest person I knew. This moment happened one day in 10th grade when I forced myself to go to school to help my Latin group finalize a project, even though I had the flu. That morning, despite my fever of 100 degrees, puffy sinuses, and 6 inches of snow of the ground, I woke up early to meet everyone at the library. When I showed up, no one else was there and I quickly found out everyone had individually decided they weren’t needed and could skip the meeting.My resolution to the problem? I told everyone I would do the work so they could take their time getting safely to school, and being the nerd I was, I finished the entire project and dropped it off for grading before the morning bell rang. It was in reflection with my best friend later that day that I realized most other people would go to their teacher complaining that no one else helped and get the group members in trouble in stead of just getting the work done and having concern for others safety. In that moment of comparing myself to others I realized I certainly identified myself as kind. My shock came when my best friend said “Em, you don’t get the credit you deserve because you’re always so nice, it’s basically expected from you.”
My self-awareness was exhibited in reflection on my actions, my self-concept was present in my realization that “kind” is who I am and my self-esteem was boosted by my ought-self and ideal-self being one and the same. I am happy with being a kind person, among many of my other traits that make up my “self.”

A simple display of kindness from early high school….at least I believe it to be. Seriously, how many kids allow their parents to take (and save) a picture of them looking sick and dressed in that horrible chorus uniform?

Discussion:
- Everyone has different ways of realizing pleasing and displeasing traits of themselves. have you ever had a “light bulb” moment like me? Or have you formed your sense of self in another way?
- If you’ve had a “light bulb” moment, are you able to identify the self-awareness, self-concept, and self-esteem factors?

Reference:






-McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal
communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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The Relational & Cake-like Self 

Posted by Rachael
It’s strange to think that instead of just being ourselves, we put on a mask and say ‘Here’s the person you think I am or want me to be.’ Hardly ever do we just be who we are. But then again, it takes a lot to show your true self.


There are many layers to who we are that we allow people to see, and ones we don’t want them to see, because we’re afraid of what they might think or how it will affect our relationships. McCornack (2009) mentions social penetration theory, which explores how we reveal ourselves to others by opening up these layers, slowly but surely. We gradually bond with others overtime, and if intimacy is desired, the most core layers need to be reached. The outer layers are the topics we use when we first meet someone like, “My name is Rachael Brubaker, I’m 21, and I was born in New Orleans.” Age, gender, ethnicity and other initial topics like these are easy to talk about because they are more informative and basic. The next few layers are still conversational since they are about our likes and dislikes of universal things such as food, music, and what we do in our free time. It is at the central layers of ourselves that we find our most core beliefs that are rooted deeply into who we are. It is here that we get nervous about what we share because “exposing ourselves to others can make us feel vulnerable” (McCornack, 2009, p. 60). When I think about the word vulnerability, I get nervous because I know about being too vulnerable (or being vulnerable with the wrong person) and getting hurt. Even the origin of the word means ‘to wound’, suggesting that there might be pain in the process (Dictionary.com). That isn’t always the case, but there is that risk, and risk makes many people nervous. Do we even fully understand we what forms our core identities? Are we ready for someone else to know us that deeply? What about rejection? All of these questions help raise the barriers that we put up around our central layers to keep people from really knowing who we are.

It’s the study of the relational self that lead us to realize that in order to get to the strong, intimate relationships we desire, we have to get to that center layer, and also learn more about who we are, because even we don’t know ourselves completely. It takes time, but each relationship’s progressing (or digressing) speed is different. One has to take into account the breadth (how much will you reveal?) and the depth (how far into your core have you gone?) of the relationship. Once you've spent a long time together and you start to et closer, it's hard to miss the other's qualities and you notice things about them they might not know about themselves.

Self-disclosure, which is something I’ve learned a lot about this past year is an aspect of your relationship that you can’t force. Someone reveals private information in order to reach a new, deeper level of intimacy, and it can be successful or sometimes can backfire. I had personal experience with this past semester with my boyfriend. The third time we met, for some reason, we talked about both politics and religion, two of the don’t-talk-about-it-yet topics that usually aren’t talked about until the sixth or seventh meeting. We talked for three hours and got closer, even though our views were vastly different. We were accepting, understanding, and curious about each other’s thoughts; no judgment included. We didn’t actually start dating though until 3 months later, when I saw a vulnerable side of him that I was surprised to see. He confided in me, which felt like both an honor and a burden. I won’t go into the details, but I found it was easier to let him do this because he went slow so I could understand, waited until we were closer to share it, told me over the phone so he didn’t have to show me his weak side in person (oh, men), and felt way better after he did it. I didn’t realize how much self-disclosure could do for a relationship, and I’m glad he did it. But I can see how if can also go the other way. (The picture below is of us two, but I choose this one-dorky I know- because it shows the vastness around us, representing the time and focus it takes to get to us, the real us, in the center).


At what point is self-disclosure more harmful than helpful? And should we strive more to discover and possibly improve the parts of us that we don’t know or that others see?






References

"Vulnerable." Dictionary.com. 2011. Web. 18 May 2011.


McCornack, S. (2007). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Botson: Bedford St. Martins.


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A Breakdown of Interpersonal Communication 

Thursday, May 19, 2011 - Posted by Casey Edwards
How many times have you sent a text that was taken the wrong way or sent an e-mail that others felt had a different tone than you had expected? More than likely, every person has experienced this type of situation in one way or another. And although you may not realize it, all of these situations fall under the category of interpersonal communication.

When thinking about interpersonal communication, most people picture a face-to-face interaction. However, with the changes that have come in technology, this is no longer always true. The fact that many of our interpersonal reactions occur online only further reinforces the fact that interpersonal communication is a dynamic process, meaning, it is constantly changing. No conversation will ever be the same. As humans, we constantly have different thoughts and feelings that, even though we don’t always realize it, change these interactions. Not only will conversations be different, but your feelings toward another person during interactions can change at a moment’s notice.


As college students, it’s safe to say that the majority of our time is spent with our friends. Whether it’s hanging around your apartment, or out at night, you are constantly surrounded by others. Because of this, the people who you choose to hang out with get to know you extremely well. When thinking about interpersonal communication and its ability to constantly change, I was reminded of my group of friends. Like most people, we tease each other almost all of the time. Each person in our group has certain things they get teased about, and most times, it’s all in good fun. The majority of the time, everyone takes it the way it was intended. But there are many instances, myself included, that something another person says everyday gets taken the wrong way. It’s interesting to look at this type of situation from an interpersonal communication viewpoint. More times than not, at least in my experience, this isn’t a sender problem, it’s a problem on the receiver’s end. Maybe that day the receiver is in a bad mood, going through something personal, or even just feeling a little bit insecure. Any one or a combination of these things can lead to a negative reaction to a joke that you generally laugh at most days at most days.

Another important aspect interpersonal communication is your own ethics; defined by McCornack (2007) as an inner code of morals that each person possesses. Ethics are meant to help guide us in our daily life by acting in ways that each individual thinks is right. According to McCornack (2007), engaging in ethical interpersonal communication means to not hurt others on purpose, give others respect, and not demean them. While this seems simple enough, each of these often gets lost in everyday conversation.

Unfortunately, a place where I have witnessed a lot of these ethics being lost are during internships. I have had, along with many of my friends, a few internships that for the most part, are extremely beneficial. However, in my experience there is always that one person who treats the intern like a punching bag. Whether it’s being ordered to do ridiculous tasks (one time went to Victoria’s Secret for an office manager…and then was instructed to pick out the paint for her apartment) or being yelled at for not doing something perfectly, sometimes you never know what the right thing is when you’re an intern. I remember vividly in my first internship being chewed out for something and then half an hour later that same person acting as if nothing had happened. To me, this violates interpersonal communication ethics on many levels. These types of situations often made me feel a lack of self-confidence, which sometimes only worsened the problem. Even though in the back of my head, I knew it was because they had not fully communicated what they wanted to me, it definitely felt like I was being intentionally hurt.

Are there any other types of situations where you have felt like people did not use ethics when communicating?

Interpersonal communication is clearly more complex than one may originally think. Whether it’s the medium you chose to communicate through, the constant change of emotion, or the use of ethics when interpersonally communicating, thought must be given to each interaction. The old saying “think before you speak” truly holds here, because once you let those words come out of your mouth, you can’t take them back.


Reference:
  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.


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Improving Your Perception of Others 

Posted by Morgan Seckinger


My aunt has lived in the same small southern town in Georgia for most of her life. She is still happily married to my uncle, whom she started dating when she was only sixteen. Their first date was to church and to this day they attend services on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings; she plays the piano and he leads the choir. My aunt is not a woman of change, but one of comfortable routine, like many of the women in my family are known to be. Interracial marriages, however, are not part of that routine. So when my cousin proposed to his now fiancée who happens to be a woman of color a few of my family members were wary of how my aunt would take the news. After the initial realization that my cousin was head over heels in love with Michelle and intended on marrying her with or without her or anyone else’s approval, my aunt changed her perception and welcomed them as a couple with loving and open arms. Although it sounds like this process went over seamlessly, my aunt faced many bumps in the road while she was trying to look at the marriage from a different viewpoint than she was accustomed to using. She had to engage in the two critical aspects of changing her perception; empathizing with my cousin and his fiancée and questioning her own perception.

The first step of empathizing with others includes two subcategories, perspective taking and empathic concern. Perspective taking is the ability to take a step back and perceive another person’s perspective without taking into account their emotional feeling behind it. Empathic concern then takes into account those emotions behind the other person’s feeling. Both of these subcategories together should evoke compassion in the individual trying to change his/her perception. However, it is not enough to simply go through the motions of empathizing with someone; you should then make the effort to convey your message to the other person. When doing this, it is important not to use the pronoun “I” in the message as it can be taken in a patronizing tone. For example, you shouldn’t say, “I know how you feel” because chances are the person will feel as though you couldn’t possibly know their situation. If “I” is used, while your intentions were most likely for the best, it is probable that the listener will feel belittled or possibly annoyed. This is especially important if the person has encountered a large tragedy like the loss of a loved one. It is always better to try your best to be there for someone without assuming you know exactly what they are going through emotionally (McCornack 2009).


Another way to improve your perception of others is through perception checking. The first step in this process is to check your punctuation and realize that different people punctuate in different ways depending on the situation. Having the ability to see this will help you view the various aspects of the situation more clearly. The second step is to assess your knowledge. Assuming to know what someone else “really” meant won’t lead you to a clearer perception so never hesitate to ask someone to clarify what he/she meant. Next, you should assess your attributions. It is typical to attribute certain communication or behavior patterns solely to his/her personality but in order to continue to change your perception, you need to remember that interpersonal communication involves both internal and external forces. Instead of assuming someone is rude simply because you received a curt text message or e-mail from him or her, try to take into account that he or she could have simply had a stressful day. Perceptual influences should also be evaluated. It is important to realize matters such as gender, personality, and culture mold your perception. You should appraise these influences to determine whether they change your communication and/or relationships and if so, how? Finally, it is necessary to check your impressions. A critical part of this last step is to realize that although stereotyping is hard to avoid given our human nature, keeping a flexible opinion open about the person will help negate the stereotypical viewpoint (McCornack 2009). Taking in new knowledge about the individual and allowing that information to shape your perception, rather than seeing the stereotype alone, will help make this last step a success.

My aunt went through these steps over a period of months until it led her to change her perception of my cousin’s fiancée and their marriage. It just goes to show that no matter how rooted in tradition your family may be, as long as someone keeps an open mind to change, there’s no reason to hold on to unwarranted negative perceptions.

Have you had to evaluate and improve your perception of someone? Did you follow any of these steps? How did it turn out?





Reference:

  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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