When I was a young kid, everyone thought I was an absolute joy and an angel. Little did they know how difficult I was when I was angry or having fits, which sadly happened all too often. I frequently wonder how my parents put up with me when I was mad, and am grateful they did because from what it sounds like, it wasn’t pretty.
My mom always reminded me when I was angry to refrain from punching or hitting, and to clap my hands or stomp my feet. That only proceeded to make me angrier, because why would I want to clap my hands when I’m mad? I totally wanted to punch something! The biggest no-no was slamming the door… I knew before I did it that it was really bad, I did it anyways, and then I would get into even more trouble. But at least I got to release some of my anger, right?
If you asked me what the definition of anger was before I did the reading for this week, I would tell you, “the state of being mad”. Not the most intelligent, informative answer. McCornack (2009) found a definition that is quite interesting and actually shined a different light on the primary emotion for me: “[anger] occurs when you are blocked or interrupted from attaining an important goal by what you see is the improper action of an external agent” (Scherer, 2001, p. 135). Anger is one of the primary emotions that can make us somewhat blind to the other’s feelings. It’s about us being irritated or stopped, and us reacting to the other’s offense against us. We might not realize that we are actually in the wrong, and our response might lead to worse consequences for our relationship. Anger is an emotion that can get violent quickly, whether physically or verbally, and can easily damage a relationship greatly with just one word or one punch.
I like how McCornack (2009, p. 135) compared anger to a ‘storm’ of emotion, since my mother also did the same. When I was a kid and I got angry at my brother, I would just start wailing on him, smacking him while crying and yelling. Not the prettiest picture, I’m sure. My mom kept trying to get me to think about the ‘storm’ as it was approaching, so I knew it was coming and could prepare myself for it to better control my actions. That didn’t work. So my mom tried a useful technique called suppression. This is a strategy some use to temporarily hide their anger, so as to not get in trouble or say/do something they might regret. I tried this for a while, but I found that my mood for the rest of the day would be sensitive and bad, and I would think negatively about many things I did or people I saw. This result of suppression is called chronic hostility, something that tends to make the situation worse rather than fixing it (McCornack, 2009). Since my initial reaction to anger was a reaction called venting, an explosive reaction to something that made me upset, and the repercussions even worse, my mom had to try another course of action. This one actually worked (well, this and time out). Mom made me count to 10 before I responded when I got angry. I would close my eyes, hold my fists by my sides, and count to ten. It was a difficult process, but I kept finding at the end of that ten, I would be calmer and even think more about what the other person was saying, not just seeing my point of view. This strategy also has a name, the Jefferson Strategy, used and named by the 3rd president of the United States (Tavris, 1989, p. 137). I still find I use this strategy at times even now, as a 21 year old, and it’s still successful.
What strategy do you find more useful when dealing with anger? Is it the same strategy you have grown up using, or recently developed?
Reference:
- McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA:Bedford/St. Martin's.
