Power and Conflict: It’s ALWAYS present 

Sunday, June 12, 2011 - Posted by higginsmk

We’ve all been in those situations when we were younger: a bully kicked our blocks or pulled our hair. When I was in kindergarten, there was a second grade boy who always picked on my best friend Samantha and I. Our moms just insisted he was flirting with us and had a crush, but we just thought he was plain mean. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized the difference between power and conflict and interpersonal relationships.

Power distance has two types, high and low power-distance cultures. My kindergarten classroom would be best represented as a high power-distance culture. “Individuals are normal and considered desirable for people of different social and professional status to be widely separated for different social and professional status” (McCornack, 2009). The second grader felt that since he was older than us he had more power over us. Though he was not directed to be more powerful there was an unwritten rule that second and first graders at my elementary school were higher than us kindergarteners.

Have you ever had someone make you feel as if you were a lower power than them even though there were rules that didn’t officially state they were?

Though conflict is common in many different interpersonal relationships it is more commonly seen in romantic relationships. According to Steve Duck, there is a process in which individuals go through when communicating their dissatisfaction with the currently relationship.

Phase 1: The Intrapsychic Phase- This phase involves reflecting about negative aspects of the relationship and discussing them with the partner. Individuals may think, “I can’t take this anymore”(Duck, 1982).

Phase 2: Dyadic Phase- This phase communication about thoughts and feelings increases and individuals increase negotiation and reconciling differences. Commonly seen are fights, arguments and long discussions about the problems. Individuals may think, “I’d justified in withdrawing”(Duck, 1982).

Phase 3: Social Phase- This phase individuals begin talking to social networks or investigating alternatives. Individuals may think, “I mean it ”(Duck, 1982).

Phase 4: Grave Dressing Phase- In this phase individuals know there is no possibility of change. Individuals begin dividing properties and justifying what went wrong in the relationship. Individuals may think, “It’s now inevitable”(Duck, 1982).

Remember, if an individual possesses too much power, it may lead to conflict. Conflict is normal in a relationship but you must understand when conflict has escalated and you need to reconsider the level of the relationship. Conflict can be good for a relationship just because you and someone else may have a fight doesn’t mean you should cut ties to the relationship; it may mean you just need to reconsider some of you own actions.


References:
Duck, S. W. (1982). "A Topography of Relationship Disengagement and Dissolution." In Personal Relationships 4: Dissolving Personal Relationships, ed. S. W. Duck. London: Academic Press.

McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate. New York, New York: Bedford/St. Martins

1 comments 

Friday, June 10, 2011 - Posted by LindsayMorris





“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?”
Apparently, he could hear me; he responded with an ‘mhm’ as he turned the volume up during one of the endless MBA championship games. However, he wasn’t really listening. My boyfriend and I were enjoying some couch time when his finger – glued to the channel button – stumbled across this game, a sports-related time slot we would end up watching for the fourth night in a row. I became frustrated that after about two minutes of watching the game, he wasn’t even able to hold a conversation with me because he was giving ALL of his attention to two teams of sweaty men running up and down the court chasing a basketball. We both work long hours and the only real quality time we get is at night on the sofa, or a rare – practically extinct – night out at a restaurant. I was unhappy that for several nights in a row this was all we did. I don’t mind sports, but it’s so frustrating to have conversations with myself because he’s only half listening to what I’m saying. I know he can hear my voice, but I know he is not truly listening to the words I’m saying.

Finally, I went into a rant about all of the above. And….he turns the volume up on the TV and gives me a weak ‘mhm’ . So, I picked up my book and started to read. He never noticed until half-time came around, when I ignored his request for the bag of twizzlers sitting on the kitchen counter. Take that.

This story is a great example of what McCornack (2009) calls pseudo-listening. My boyfriend was acting, perhaps pretending, like he was listening, and he did indeed hear what I was saying. However, he was ineffective in understanding what I was communicating because he wasn’t really paying attention to the words. This type of listening is extremely ineffective because people may believe that their target of communication is really hearing and understanding what they’re saying, because they show some signs of active listening, but in actuality, they only absorb part of – or sometimes none of – the message (McCornack, 2009).

After half-time, I resolved to make sure that my boyfriend was truly engaging the conversation through effective listening, by asking him to repeat what I was asking or saying. It actually was quite effective in getting him to see that before, he was merely giving me half-hearted responses to sentences he barely even heard. I explained that it hurt my feelings when he participated in this pseudo-listening, because it communicated to me that he simply didn’t care what I had to say. Now, I think he is a bit more aware of our conversations and listens to me more effectively. And, the next game scheduled in the championship will have to watch itself; he’s taking me out to dinner to make up for a week of endless sports boredom! J

When have you experienced someone ineffectively listening through pseudo-listening?
How did it make you feel?
How did you remedy the situation?

5 comments

Listening Styles 

Posted by conorw90

It was back when I was fifteen years old and I had my first real summer job at a local grocery store in my hometown. Since it was technically my first job I didn’t really know what to expect about what it would be like working there and more importantly what the people I would be working for were like. I was admittedly a bit nervous about it when I first started because I had never had a real boss before because at my previous job I was essentially my own boss. As it turned out, my bosses were great and so were the people I worked with and working there became one of the more interesting work experiences I’ve ever had. This was mostly because of the variety of people I worked with and their differing backgrounds and personalities (my bosses in particular). I had two different bosses I reported to and the most interesting thing about them was how completely different they were in terms of their personality, and especially in their listening styles.

Your listening style is the typical pattern associated with your listening behaviors, which can be manifested as your attitudes, beliefs, and predispositions towards the listening process (McCornack, 2009). There are four listening styles and my two bosses both encompassed them all in their day to day behaviors and interactions with the staff. Action-oriented listeners want concise and informative conversations that allow them to make the right decision and to make it quickly. Another similar style is people-oriented listeners who have specific time allotted for talking with others and make their schedules known. One of my bosses used both of these styles because they were very much time-oriented and wanted conversations to be strictly about business, so it was obvious from this that they were most concerned with efficiency. The third style is people-oriented listeners who uses interactions to make connections with other people by sharing their emotions and making it known that they care. The last style is content-oriented listeners who like these interactions to be intellectually stimulating and take it as a challenge because they typically take more time to consider all the information before making decisions. I would consider my second boss to be a people-oriented listener because he was more concerned about the person he was talking to than the work he or she did and therefore took on a role of someone you could talk to when you needed help with something.

The ironic thing about this is that my boss who was more focused on time and efficiency was a woman, while the one focused on becoming connected with people was a man. Now I know that men and women don’t always fall into the same categories, but I just thought it was interesting because many men are more time and action oriented while women tend to be more people and content oriented.

Do you think that someone can possess multiple listening styles from both ends of the spectrum (ex. Both time-oriented and people oriented)?

References

  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

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Posted by T.Brannigan




Appreciate the Messages You Hear



I never thought the day would come to point where I could say, “I have an adopted younger brother.” He is six years old now and I am very thankful to have him in my life. Alexander is his first name but of course we like to call him, Alex. “Motor Mouth” is the nickname we gave him because he loves to talk to the point where you just want to put in some ear plugs. Even though he enjoys hearing himself talk, you just can’t help but let him ramble on.



I’ll never forget the day that he was trying to send a valuable message. He approached me in the living room when I was playing a video game. It was hard for me to focus on the things he was saying and on the objective I was trying to achieve in the game. So, as he continued to explain himself, the message kind of went in one ear and right out the other. I continued to respond to his statements with nonchalant head nods followed by unconcerned remarks.



Listening to others when they talk is very important especially if they mean the world to you. That day I really did not display that I appreciated what message my younger brother was trying send. “When you listen to appreciate, your goal is simply to enjoy the sounds and sights you’re experiencing and then to respond by expressing your appreciation” (McCornack, 2009, p. 163). Clearly, I was not enjoying the sights and sounds I was experiencing. I also gave a horrible response of expressing my emotions to his message. After he was done with the conversation, he walked away and all I heard was a prolonged sigh (McCornack, 2009).



I couldn’t understand why he was mad at me for the rest of evening. Backtracking the events throughout the day were what I found myself doing to try and figure out this tension we shared. It didn’t dawn on me until I remember the conversation we had in the living room. I sat down by myself for a minute and reflected upon the things we talked about. The message he had sent to me was the fact that he was happy to have an older brother like me in his life. I only became more frustrated with myself for not appreciating or even acknowledging his message. I later apologized to him and this situation helped to remind me to talk time and appreciate what others have to say.




So remember, the next time you are busy with an activity and someone has a message to send to you, take a break, and appreciate what they have to say because you might miss a valuable moment.




Can you think of other reasons why listening to appreciate is one of the five functions of listening?


What is your definition of listening to appreciate? Explain.





References:


McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect & relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication.


Bedford/ St. Martin’s

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Listening, a Five-Step Process 

Posted by Emma Crutchfield

This is me looking silly because I wasn't listening when a friend said “smile!”

For anyone in a relationship, the question “yes, I know you’re hearing what I’m saying, but are you LISTENING to me” is commonly thrown around and debated in many arguments. I know I’ve said it and I have no doubt that you have at least thought, if not said, the same thing. Just as with communication, listening is certainly a process- a five-step process!

The five step process of listening involves “receiving, attending to, understanding, responding to, and recalling sounds and visual images during interpersonal encounters” (McCornack 2010, p.152). The first step of receiving involves hearing and seeing visual images or sounds. The second step, attending, is when one devotes attention to the information they’re receiving through hearing or seeing. In the third step, understanding, the receiver interprets the meaning of the sender’s communication by referencing prior knowledge (McCornack 2010). When responding, the fourth step, the receivers communicate their attention and understanding their sender. Finally, during recall, the receiver remembers the information received in communication. These five steps make up the formula for successful listening.

Being someone with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), listening is not one of my strong points. Perhaps the best demonstration of the necessity for me to change how well I listen occurred during sophomore year of high school. Not only do I have A.D.H.D. but I am gifted in math and science, so math classes with others who needed repeated examples of concepts lost my attention very quickly. My math teacher understood this about me after a month of school, but that didn’t stop her from having some fun with it. She would often put examples of a concept we had just gone over on the board, and call on random students to answer them. Not to sound pompous, but I would solve all of the problems before the first person was called on and then zone out while others worked through the problems. To improve my listening skills, my teacher would call on me at random, any time during a problem to see if I knew what step we were on or what the answer was. Until I improved my listening skills, my answers to her questions were always wrong unless her questions was “Emma, what’s the answer to #___?”. Once I began to fully listen to what she was saying I was never embarrassed, in that class, again!

The five step process of listening plays a large part in interpersonal communication. The steps of receiving, attending to, understanding, and responding during listening may seem like a lot, but your brain does most of it. In my experience, listening may be more difficult for some, but it is definitely worth the effort to complete all five steps!

Discussion:
What step of listening do you think you have to work the hardest to do?
Has not completing all five steps of listening ever gotten you into trouble?

Reference:

-McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal

communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

4 comments

Narcissism in Conversation 

Posted by Brittany

Have you ever met a person with the uncanny ability to make every conversation about him/herself? You know the type. I was recently working with a new employee and we began chit-chatting about our lives. She asked me about my love life, which I thought was unusual for casual small talk. I opened my mouth and maybe got out two words before she interjected.


“Well I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. We’re really in love and tomorrow’s our anniversary.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Yeah, he’s really great. Last year he sent me on a scavenger hunt. Have you ever done one of those?”

“Yeah one time I…”

“It ended with all these roses and he was waiting for me at the place we first met!”

“That’s adorable. My friend’s boyfriend once…”

“I wonder how he’s going to top that. I mean it was really romantic. He better not just give me a present or something, it’s got to be a grand gesture. I mean, 5 years is a huge deal, right?”

“…Right.”


Narcissistic listening is one of several listening problems people can have. It involves listening for the sole sake of waiting for an opportunity to talk about oneself or one’s own interests. In this case, my co-worker brought up my love life. While I thought she was curious about me, she was actually just directing the conversation to a topic she really wanted to talk about. Moreover, she really just wanted to talk about herself. Narcissistic listening can happen in other ways, too.

Another conversation that night happened between me and my manager. She was telling me about her sister who was attending graduate school in Egypt when the protests erupted this year.


Manager: “It was terrifying waiting to hear from her. We waited for days and days and when she finally called, she told us she’d gotten beaten up. Twice!”

Me: “Oh my gosh, I cannot believe that! Is she alright? I can’t even imagine…”

Coworker: “Hey, one time I did a project on Egypt in elementary school!”

I wish I was kidding about that. It kept happening, all night. She could not tolerate the conversation straying away from herself. In this case, she was listening to others’ conversations to look for opportunities to speak about herself some more. Now, this girl is an extreme case of a narcissistic listener. Most of us are not nearly as bad as she is, but we have all done this at some time or another. You can improve your listening by allowing conversations to flow away from you and topics of your own interest, and give positive feedback on those subjects.

How do you think narcissistic listening affects interpersonal relationships? What opinions do you form of people with habits like these?

2 comments

Friends at Work 

Posted by Rachael

Peer relationships have power many of us don’t realize. They can make, or break, our workplace experience, and can even strongly influence our everyday moods. Co-workers can find professional peers a benefit to their everyday work, but not all are considered a close friendship.

McCornack (2009) describes professional peer relationships as “people holding positions of organization status and power similar to our own” (p. 413). In America, most workplaces are structured like a hierarchy, and with that comes different levels of control, influence, and importance. We tend to communicate with our peers that are at that same level on the hierarchy as ourselves. Yet, at that level, there remains four degrees of peer relationships based on closeness. We find most of our support and happiness from these relationships, so whatever degree of closeness they fall under is important.

The first are the informal peers, who are the simplest, but probably most common relationships co-workers have in the workplace. They all have equal status, but communication is usually about work and nothing else. It doesn’t have the trust and intimacy that friendships do, and partners only when doing an assignment together, not necessarily by choice.

A collegial peer is the second type, and this is the co-worker who we consider a friend. Not quite a best friend, but someone who has similar interests and likeable qualities.

The third is a special peer, who are highly infrequent in the workplace. These are the best friends we make, our equal status co-workers with much of our emotional support. Special peers can make work more bearable with their comforting presence or can be a close friend outside of the workplace.

Common nowadays is a fourth example of the workplace peer relationship, the virtual peer. These occur through technology, such as emails, IM, and networking sites. These are few and far between because literally, there is a distance too far or limitations for face-to-face communication between the co-workers since they are working by use of computers.

The three factors that create the flow of these relationships are the some of the same factors we take into consideration with our family and friend relationships. One of these is openness. Honesty and disclosure go a long way in developing peer workplace relationships, and how much of both you give is a signal of how close the two of you will get. Another aspect is assurances, maybe not of love like in families, but of appreciation and thankfulness for their support, hard work, or understanding. The last factor that significantly separates the first two peer relationships is choice. We can choose who we want to hang out with or chat with in the coffee lounge, but we can’t choose who we work with on assignments or need to converse with for something work related.

Right now, I’m working at a place called Trumpet in the Land, in New Philadelphia, Ohio, where I’m performing in three shows for the entire summer. Honestly, I knew the people were going to make or break my experience here, not the actual work. So on day one, I came in with an open mind, bright smile, shutting out all of my timid tendencies, and tried to meet as many people as I could. Now, a week and a half later, it’s amazing how my other co-workers have fallen right into the top three categories of professional peer relationships, and I feel more comfortable now, knowing kind of where each relationship falls! It helps with boundaries, who to tell things to, who NOT to, and who I should seek for comfort and avoid on a trying day.


Which relationships do you find most common in your workplace? Do you find having more of a specific kind of peer relationship more beneficial, or not?

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate. New York, New York : Bedford/St. Martins.

4 comments

Power & Conflict 

Posted by Skibum


Who wears the pants in this relationship? Is it the lion, or the lioness? Power, and its affect on conflict interactions, is ever-present and an integral part of every relationship. We can experience power symmetrically (balanced) or complementary (unbalanced), and people have different beliefs about the degree of balance that’s appropriate (McCornack 2009). Also, power doesn’t necessarily have to be good or bad. However, how we use our power, and how we perceive how other’s use their power, may have a defining impact on our relationships.


I have a friend who recently entered into a new intimate relationship. This friend was an independent, lively, energetic person who held many interests. We considered him somewhat of a renaissance man due to his variety of hobbies and activities. Constantly he was collecting knowledge on “do it yourself” projects, travelling to different cultures, and involving himself in a variety of social activities. But then he fell in love and everything changed! We slowly began to experience his transformation from an extrovert to an introvert. No longer was he involving himself in the extracurricular activities he seemed to love so dearly. His interests shifted from “the sky is the limit” to “whatever she wants to do is fine by me”. From an outsider’s perspective, the influence of power was tilted heavily towards his new significant other, which was resulting in his tactic of conflict avoidance. In other words, she was calling the shots, and he was willing to accommodate her requests at the expense of his own self-interests.


According to McCornack (2009), power is granted, it influences conflicts, and it is acquired through power currency. Granted power refers to power given to one person by another, as opposed to power being an innate quality. In the case of my friend, he is willing to grant full control of his relationship and schedule over to his new girlfriend. Power is now relinquished to her to make decisions as to what activities he will now take part in. Power also affects conflict through the imbalance of influence and resources in a relationship. These influences and resources may be determined by the power currency valued in the relationship. The balance of power in my friend’s situation leans towards his significant other because she possesses something that he values. It is difficult to determine the type of power currency she holds over him, but may be one or more of the five common currencies found in relationships (McCornack 2009):


· Resource Currency-material things such as money or property
· Expertise Currency-special skills or knowledge
· Social Network Currency-links with a network of friends, family, and acquaintances
· Personal Currency-personal characteristics such as physical beauty or intelligence
· Intimacy Currency-sharing of a close bond


As a result, his conflict interaction is far from collaborative. In the opinion of many of his family and friends, the power structure in this relationship is causing the suppression his true personality.



If someone is willing to grant power to another, should we be upset that action led to an imbalance of power? Is it our place to point out how he has changed due to the imbalance of power?




References:McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: an introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s

1 comments

The Ways We Approach Conflict 

Posted by Jamie



Conflict is a part of our everyday lives. As much as we wish to live in some sort of utopia where everyone always gets a-long, in our daily lives, we are bound to butt heads with a friend, family member, loved one, or even a stranger at some point. With the inevitable experience of conflict, it is important to know how to approach these situations and how to handle them effectively.


Think back to the last conflict you encountered. It could be something as serious as fighting with a significant other over an act of infidelity or as insignificant as a waitress giving you the wrong order at a restaurant. How did you deal with this conflict?


Chances are you approached the conflict in one of four ways. According to McCornack (2009), people generally manage conflict by avoiding or ignoring the conflict altogether, accommodating the other person by abandoning your own goals to satisfy the other person’s desires, competing by confronting others and putting your goals ahead of theirs, or collaborating by treating the conflict and attempting to solve the challenge in a way that suits both parties. Collaborating is usually the most effective approach to conflict because it encourages an open discussion about the problems at hand unlike avoidance or accommodation which can bury emotions and cause hostile feelings down the road. Unfortunately, although collaboration seems to be the most effective approach to handling conflict, it is likely that every person has engaged in the other three approaches more often.


Through my experiences, I generally tend to utilize the collaborative approach to conflict but can also think of instances where I have used avoidance and accommodation as well. For me, I like to confront conflicts head on and express my feelings in a calm way before the situation gets blown out of proportion. Because of this approach, I tend to also not see potential conflicts others may have with me when they use avoidance or accommodation approaches. One instance in particular where a conflict took me by surprise was with a really good friend of mine. We spent almost every moment together, which undoubtedly would cause conflict in any relationship. However, this friend of mine often used the avoidance approach when dealing with conflict. She usually kept small conflicts to herself which would fester inside, creating more hostile emotions than if she had just told me how she felt. I was usually completely unaware of the problems she had which could have easily been solved if she had just come to me. One day she finally confronted me, but instead of having a collaborative conversation it became a list of things that I was doing wrong and almost felt like more of an attack. There was nothing I could say to make things better. She used avoidance for so long that she had let her emotions fester inside and each small conflict we had became my fault. Although feeling attacked, I ended up using the accommodating approach to the present conflict and simply apologized and let her take any anger she had out on me. There was no collaboration or communication on how to solve the problem and it ended up having a negative effect on our friendship.


Conflicts are bound to occur in any type of relationship. However, it is important to realize that although confronting conflicts can be difficult, most conflicts won’t just disappear on their own. Having a calm conversation and utilizing the collaboration approach is usually beneficial to all parties involved and can usually solve a conflict before it escalates.



Is the collaboration approach to dealing with conflict always the most effective approach? Can you think of situations where another approach would be more effective?




References:



  • McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.





4 comments

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Why Aren't You Listening to Me? 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011 - Posted by Casey Edwards

You know how every person has that one thing that their parents do that just drives them up the wall? Mine is talking to my Mom on the phone. For some reason she just has not mastered the art of listening to the other person on a cell phone. During these conversations, I’ll fill her in on daily occurrences as well as things that are happening in the future or maybe things I need her to help me take care of. About eight out of ten times, if I bring up one of those topics in a later discussion, she’s convinced that the conversation never happened. Needless to say, this makes me absolutely crazy and inevitably ends with me asking the question, “Don’t you listen to me?”
When reading the chapter about active listening, I came across the section that talked about selective listening. I was immediately reminded of my conversations with my mother. According to the McCornack (2009), selective listening is when you’re “taking in only bits and pieces of information (those that are immediately salient) during an interpersonal encounter and dismissing the rest” ”(McCornack, 2009, p. 169). McCornack (2009) continues by stating that this is a natural part of human nature because of our fluctuating attention spans. Overcoming selective listening is a process that involves becoming an overall better listener by practicing and using different techniques.
The danger of being a selective listener is not only that it could frustrate the people with whom you communicate (i.e. my Mom!) but you could also miss really important parts of a conversation. Your boss could come up to you at work saying, “Congratulations, you’re the new project manager for this account!” and you are so excited about this accomplishment that you miss when the deadline is, who you will be working with, or any other type of important information related to the new project. A lapse in listening attention in the workplace could lead to co-workers thinking you are lazy or even to job loss.
Selectively listening can obviously be dangerous in your personal life and the workplace. It’s important to recognize if this seems to be a familiar pattern and attempt to regulate it. As McCornack (2009) mentions, it’s important to determine the reason for listening and adapt your listening style accordingly. It may not work all the time, but being able to recognize it may help you improve your skills, even for just minutes at a time.
Do you ever find yourself selectively listening to people? How do you attempt to become a more active listener if you have noticed this as a problem?
McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate. New York, New York : Bedford/St. Martins

5 comments

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Sticks & Stones: Being Cautious While Chatting Online 

Monday, June 6, 2011 - Posted by Casey Edwards
The idea of communication competence online is something that has never really been necessary before our generation. But with the amount of interaction that happens online, it’s important that people know how to aptly communicate online. Not only does online communication competence have to do with the content of a message and the means of sending that message (text, e-mail, Facebook, etc) but the dangers of sending aggressive messages online that would not be said face-to-face.
The part of this chapter that had to do with online confrontations really resonated with me for several reasons. Like I’m sure most girls, and many boys, have experienced at one time or another, I have dealt with getting into arguments over the Internet. Whether you’re the aggressor or the victim, these confrontations can be difficult for anyone to handle. I remember many times in middle school and even a little bit in high school these types of confrontations happening between my friends and I and how upset I would become over them. My sister, being six years older than me, would always say how happy she was that AIM and other means of chatting didn’t exist when she was at that age. And honestly, I don’t blame her.
This type of interaction begins with online disinhibition. According to the text, online disinhibition is when “people share information more openly and directly during online interactions…”(McCornack, 2009, p. 264). Online disinhibition then gives way to flaming, meaning, sending messages that are more intense than those you would ever say face to face. Because they are online, a person is more willing to say and react to the message. The text also states that “insulting words traded online are more readily perceived as personal attacks than the same words exchanged face-to-face” (McCornack, 2009, p. 264). Because of the sense of invisibility a person has online, they feel more comfortable throwing insults at a person or personally attacking them at a deeper level than they would if the confrontation had been in person.
Have you ever felt like you were being attacked online in a way that wouldn’t have happened in person?
Although we are no longer in middle school, the urge to get into fights online can certainly still be there. Clearly, this is not an isolated issue as shown by the rise in suicides of young adults over the past year heavily portrayed in the media. Since social media and online interaction is only becoming more prevalent, it’s important that a dialogue regarding online communication competence be started so that everyone can feel safe on the Internet.


Reference:
McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate. New York, New York : Bedford/St. Martins

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Improving Your Intercultural Competence 

Saturday, June 4, 2011 - Posted by Emma Crutchfield

My mom and some friends at my best friend’s older sister’s wedding. Their place cards were Japanese fans because the couple was moving to Japan for work and wanted to incorporate the new culture into their wedding.

Have you ever heard someone staring into the ape exhibit at the zoo say “aw, how cute, he’s smiling at me” and thought to yourself “wow, that’s not it at all”? Many people know that when an ape bears its teeth, it is most certainly not happy to see you- unless, of course, it’s highly trained. Much like the perceived difference in bearing teeth between apes and humans, many cultures communicate and interact differently from others.
This difference in communication between cultures must be observed to improve intercultural competence. Intercultural competence is defined as the “ability to communicate appropriately, effectively, and ethically with people from diverse backgrounds” (McCornack, 2010 p.267). To improve intercultural competence one must demonstrate world-mindedness by respecting others’ cultural beliefs and values. You must also observe and accept how others communicate and be open-minded to reasons why one may be behaving a certain way during communication.
As I mentioned in my previous posting, I recently moved in with a foreign exchange student from China named Yao Yao. I’m very interested in learning about her culture and where she’s from, so it comes naturally to me to be mindful of our cultural differences. Though that is my natural reaction, I was quickly reminded of how ethnocentric people can be when a member of a study group met her. Yao Yao had stopped in the living room to greet my group and make quick conversation, but, as she left, a member of my group whispered to me “she never looks you in the eye, how rude!” I attempted to remind my group member that in certain parts of Asia, eye contact is seen as a sign of disrespect, but she kept insisting that it was offensive. It took an hour out of our study session for the entire group to convince this one group member to put herself in Yao Yao’s shoes and see our constant eye contact as rude, because that was how she was raised.
Though intercultural incompetence may be unintentional, it is important to work on. My group members did not mean to make Yao Yao uncomfortable, but the majority of them were quick to understand why she wasn’t returning their gaze. Though one might not be entirely aware of how to act in a different culture, it is best to understand and absorb the differences to improve relationships.

Discussion
1. What are some differences in cultural behaviors you have noticed during your travels?

2. Do you think it would be best to briefly study up on a culture before you travel to a different country? Or just learn as you go?

4 comments

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Managing Interactions - Functions of Nonverbal Communication 

Posted by Skibum


Do you focus solely on verbal communication? Well if so, you may be severely mismanaging your interactions with others. “Your experience of nonverbal communication from others and your nonverbal expression to others is fundamentally fused with the words you and they choose to use. As a consequence, you cannot become a skilled interpersonal communicator by focusing time, effort, and energy only on verbal or only on nonverbal.” (McCornack, 2009, pg. 247) In short, be mindful of all aspects of communication, verbal and nonverbal, if you intend to be a competent communicator.

Ok, so maybe you don’t have that problem. But have you ever had to deal with someone that does? Have you ever had to interact with someone that doesn’t seem to want to follow the societal rules created to regulate and manage routine conversations? If so, I can relate!! I have a co-worker who is incredibly lopsided towards verbal communication during interactions. The imbalance causes her to be completely ignorant to nonverbal cues intended to dictate the progression of the conversation, and it remains consistent no matter the subject or the opposite party. For example, I may nonverbally imply that I’m ready to wrap up the conversation by reducing eye contact, increasing my distance to her, turning my body away from her, or even using a monotone vocal tone. However, I have had luck with her catching the hints. Interactions often drag on well beyond social norms, which lead many of us in the office to devise exit strategies. It sounds extreme, but I’ve heard people describe the situation as “being trapped.” It is not uncommon for us to have to “save” each other when caught in these conversational black holes with (well-timed) phone calls or (fake) urgent assignments that need immediate attention. These measures we take to end the conversation are not intended to be disrespectful, but they are done more so to complete the task of the ineffective nonverbal signals. It’ is unfortunate, because this person is extraordinarily nice, intelligent, and interesting. However, her reputation of not being able to follow the unspoken guidelines of interaction now supersedes her personality.


As a result of my experience, I have become highly sensitive to the use of nonverbal signals during interactions. Nonverbal communication is often used indirectly to augment, and in certain cases to contradict, our verbal communication in order to deliver a message’s meaning (McCornack, 2009). This indirect approach is mainly used out of politeness, since most of us won’t blurt out “I’m getting exhausted from this conversation” when we lose time and interest. Therefore, it would serve us well for everyone to understand the four tips of responsible nonverbal conduct (McCornack, 2009):

• Usually people view your nonverbal communication as at least as important as what you say, if not more so
• Consider the fact that nonverbal communication effectiveness is inextricably tied to culture
• Be sensitive to demands of interpersonal situations
• Remember that verbal communication and nonverbal communication flow with one another



Should we just expect that everyone will properly learn the etiquette of managing interactions, especially from a nonverbal point of view? What is the proper way to handle a situation in which responsible interaction management is not followed?



References:
McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: an introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s








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Relationships with a Pal: Friends with Benefits 

Posted by higginsmk

The norm of relationships and dating has changed dramatically over the years. Generations before now, the term “hook up” or “we’re together” were not as commonly used as they are today. With the process of long-term relationship development different from the past, the term “casual sex” has become a common word for high school students to young and middle age adults (Paul, Hayes 2002). Sex is a topic that is discussed numerous times within a relationship. When is the perfect time to have sex in the relationship? Will it be a turning point in the relationship or will it just diminish the relationship all together?

In casual sex relationships (like a friends with benefits situation), sex IS the focal point of the friendship. The individuals are engaging in these relationships solely for the benefits of sexual pleasure. If you’re vulnerable to love, then a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship is probably not a good idea. For those of you who want to give it a whirl, there are a few rules for FWB relationships as explained by Morris, Hughes, and Asada (2005):

1.     Do not call the day after sexual intercourse. This allows for the relationship to be at a solely sexual level. Calling may show some clinginess and need for more of a emotional attachment (See Rule #4).
2.     Do not expect any emotional attachment. You two are just friends who have sex; you will not become anything more (McCornack, 2009).
3.     Do not sweat the small stuff. If he doesn’t contact you for a few days or if she is acting weird, blow it off. You allowed yourself to be apart of this non-monogamous relationship.
4.     DO NOT BECOME TERRITORIAL. Again, you are not in a relationship. If you become territorial, things will likely become sour. You may even ruin the friendship that was there prior to sex.
5.     Avoid FWB relationships with close friends. You never know the outcome of the relationship. It may just ruin the lifetime friendship you two have had (Morris, Hughes, & Asada, 2005).
6.     “Understand your relationship will never be the same again. There’s something about seeing another person naked that changes everything. If you value your relationship platonically, be leery of taking it in another direction. Biologically, sex educes hormones in women that creates a sense of happiness and loyalty that can manifest into emotional attachment. Biologically for men, sex educes hormones that put them to sleep”
7.     Lastly, stick to the rules you set. If you get side tracked, things will get worse and blown out of proportion.

Friends with benefits has become a common type of relationship that is very popular in today’s culture. From movies like “No Strings Attached” to episodes of Sex in the City, casual sex is something seen more frequently in American society. Though, it may seem like a good idea, FWB also has a high failure rate. So, be patient when it comes to deciding to engage in this type of friendship. Friends with benefits may seem like a good idea at the time, but remember most of the time it ends up causing more emotional turmoil than it may be worth (McCornack, 2010).

Do you think that FWB is acceptable past the college years?

Reference:

McCornack, S. (2010). Reflect and relate. New York, New York: Bedford/St. Martin

Morrison, K., Hughes, M., & Asada, K. J. (2005).  What's love got to do with it? exploring the impact of maintenance rules, love attitudes, and network support on friends with benefits relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 69(1)

Paul, E., & Hayes, K. (2002). The casualties of 'casual' sex: a qualitative exploration of the phenomenology of college students' hookups. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19

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The Mom Hug 

Friday, June 3, 2011 - Posted by LindsayMorris



It was one of those days; I just needed a hug. Actually, I needed a hug and a shoulder to cry (perhaps wail) on. It was Memorial Day, and I had to work. It was the 13th day, straight in a row, that I was scheduled to work from 7 am to about 9 pm. I was so exhausted that when my boss let me go early at lunchtime, I almost thought I was hearing imaginary sentences drift out of his mouth.

I jumped in my car and sped home, hoping to make the family cookout. I was so excited to have a few hours off work, and I walked in the back door of my parents home to be welcomed by cool air conditioning and the smell of meatballs – a wonderful greeting. Unfortunately, my mom wasn’t in the greatest of moods. We started arguing about my room that wasn’t clean, my huge pile of laundry that I hadn’t had the time to get to, and the fact that guests were coming in less than an hour and she had no time to get the house in order. The last thing she yelled was, “you don’t ever do anything around this house.” It must have been the long hours I had been working, or maybe the 90+ degree weather I was working in (I’m a kayak and bike tour guide and instructor for Blackwater Paddle and Pedal Adventures on the Chesapeake) that made me lose sense to my age, bringing me to a ball on the floor in child-like sobs. Then mom told me I was being dramatic. I stormed out of the house as my dad was walking in, the most confused look on my face. I sat in the driveway for 15 minutes, sulking about how my mom just didn’t understand how hard I was working in order to pay off my student loans. I was so proud of myself, and she was unhappy. There were no words she could offer me at that point to make things better. Instead, when she came outside, she gave me an even better apology. She gave me a hug. No words were spoken, and immediately, all was forgiven – on both parts.

As reported by McCornack (2009), the code representative through touch, within nonverbal communication, called haptics, regulates, for us what my (above) hug means. My mom knew exactly where, when, and how to console me. Her hug represented, to me, a verbal apology. What she expressed to me, in the moment, was what words attempt to convey. Thinking about this type of expression, I’m most decided that it is a part of the every-day interaction – especially in my situation a loving and all-knowing interaction – that is indescribable but undoubted type of communication. It allows the mysterious but relatable mother-daughter relationship to exist.


In what way does touch effect your life?
Think about an emotion experienced, past the initial reaction: What did this form of nonverbal communication express?

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Language of the Body 

Posted by Brittany


The majority of the communication we do as human beings has little to do with language. Whether we notice it or not, we are constantly giving and receiving messages nonverbally; we lean forward when talking to people we like, we divert our eyes from people who intimidate us, we sigh when we are overwhelmed. Arguably, the most prominent form of nonverbal communication is kinesics, or body movement.
My second major at JMU is dance, which is heavily dependent on performance quality. Part of my job as a dancer is to make the emotions I’m conveying seem real. I recently took a dance composition class in which I composed a solo movement series based off of a drawing. My teacher asked me to take the stage in front of the class. “Brittany,” he said, “repeat your movement for us again, but this time let this environment inform your performance choices: you are alone in a dark parking garage, and you notice you are being followed. Go.”
I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined myself walking by a row of cars, vaguely aware of the sound of someone else’s footsteps too close behind me. With my eyes still closed, I began to repeat my movement. I was rigid and my shoulders hunched more than before, my limbs moved with urgency and purpose. When my eyes finally opened, they flew in different directions, as if scanning the space for the source of the threat or perhaps a source of help. When I had completed my performance, there was an uncomfortable silence. Finally one of my peers exhaled, “Wow, Britt. That was…so intense.”
In further discussion, the class agreed that there was one component of the performance that shook them the most: my facial expression. Experts believe that facial expression ranks first among all forms of communication in its influence during interpersonal interactions (Knapp & Hall, 2002). We read each other’s faces acutely and catalogue our inferences for future use. For example, glaring = anger or wincing = pain. Along with facial expression, we use eye contact to gauge each other’s feelings. We communicate through length, frequency and placement of eye contact. The girls in my class read my short, frantic eye movements as a signal of fear and panic.
There are two other kinesics worth noting. First would be gesture. Gesture can be used in several ways: emblems, illustrators, regulators or adaptors. Emblems serve as symbols, such as a thumbs up. Illustrators compliment what we’re saying, such as clapping your hands while describing a loud noise. Regulators are used to organize a conversation; if someone is interrupting you, you may put a hand up to stop them. Finally, adaptors are touches that serve psychological or physical purposes (Ekman & Friesen, 1969). For example, you may put a hand to your mouth when you are shocked.
The final kinesic is posture. Posture conveys two types of messages: immediacy and power. Immediacy refers to a person’s investment in the interaction. Leaning toward a person indicates interest and attraction; leaning away indicates dislike and aversion. Power refers to a person’s ability to influence or control others. A rigid, tense posture (such as my own during my movement) indicates unease and lack of control. A relaxed, calm posture conveys comfort and confidence.
After studying nonverbal communication so thoroughly, I began to notice my own mannerisms and what they might be saying to the people around me. Are there any kinesics problems that plague you? Maybe eye contact makes you uncomfortable or you gesture too much. Are there any that you execute really well?

Ekman, P., & Friesen, W. V. (1969). The repertoire of nonverbal behavior: Categories, origins, usage, and coding. Semiotica, 1, 49-98.
Knapp, M. L., & Hall, J. A. (2002). Nonverbal communication in human interaction (5th ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth/Thomson Learning.

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