The Dark Side of Communication

These past few weeks have been the absolute worst of my life. I’ve never felt this confused, frustrated, and alone. A short while ago, I was extremely happy and content with my life, but now it’s hard to find optimism with each passing day. My girlfriend and I recently broke up after two and a half years of dating. I met her at JMU in my first semester and ever since then I’ve loved her deeply. One of the strengths of our relationship was our communication because we could talk about anything together and whenever something was bothering one of us, we would bring it up and discuss it. Our relationship ended just a few weeks before the school year did and it was made more difficult by the fact that we were living together. The good news is that we agreed that we would try and continue to be friends and we are currently doing that. But my trust for her was lost, and I’m having a difficult time relating to her in the way I once did after everything that’s happened and everything that’s been said when we argued.

The section of the textbook that talks about the dark side of interpersonal relationships struck me because of the relevance to my current situation. Before, my ex-girlfriend and I would talk constantly and always be there for each other when we needed someone, but now it feels as if there is a gaping hole in my life that I can’t seem to fill. “Friends and lovers can be mean, petty, vindictive, and cruel to one another,” (Duck, Wood, 1995, P. 27) This statement has echoed the way we are now sometimes even though we were best friends before.

The dark side of our interpersonal relationship is causing both of us stress and pain and it’s getting to be too much to handle. We have had our issues like any couple but I never thought that the issues would get so bad that we would end it. Losing my relationship with her isn’t like losing any other girlfriend because she was truly my best friend since I met her and I have never felt as close to anyone. It almost feels like part of me is being taken away and there is nothing I can do about it which is causing me to lash out in frustration.

The truth is that neither of us wants to let one another out of our lives. Given the circumstances, she wants me to still be her friend but it is becoming more and more difficult for me to take. It’s extremely hard remembering what you had before and now that you’ve lost it after all this time. The lack of communication, and then the subsequent negative communication is the thing that is hurting me the most. Some of the negative things we both said could have been avoided but emotions run high in a situation like that and it can be difficult to restrain yourself. I don’t know if our friendship could’ve been helped if we avoided the dark side of our interpersonal relationship but I urge anyone who is ever in this situation to be careful of the things you say because even a minor phrase could change the dynamics of your relationship.

Ultimately thought this could be good for our friendship. As the book explains, communicating in difficult situations is more beneficial practice than just communicating when it’s easy. It was so easy for us to communicate before, but now that it is more challenging, it may actually help us both to grow in our own ways. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had to deal with a situation this difficult. I’ve never had a bad falling out with a friend or family member and I think after going through this situation I’ve learned a lot about how to be more effective and wise with my words.

Does negative interpersonal communication such as this help develop you into a more effective communicator in the long run?

References

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martin’s.

3 comments:

I think the 'dark side' of interpersonal communication is a fascinating subject to explore. I think that so much can be learned from this type of communication, and while it appears to be negative, I think that it can be, strangely, very positive. There are never times more beneficial to my understanding of communication than situations where verbal fights or disagreements occur. It is through these experiences that I have learned so much about how to persuade; what people need to hear in order to calm down, see your side, and give you an apology when you're looking for it.
It may seem odd to some, but some of the most amazing memories and experiences I've had with my boyfriend have revolved around, in some way, an argument. Whether it's the clarity that comes after an argument that is then talked about and evaluated, or the small nuances about his personality that I discover when fighting, I have learned so much about what makes him 'tick' and in turn what makes our connection together so strong. I've always been very analytical in my everyday life, and I spend a good amount of time reflecting to myself about conversations and exchanges I have with people, like my boyfriend, and what the words chosen mean and how they affect the outcome of the conversation and the relationship shared with the person.
I remember one time in particular when I had had a fight with my mom and had confided in my boyfriend about it. He gave me a response that I wasn't ready to hear and it turned into a huge argument. We were cussing and screaming and throwing around every insult we could manage to create. These disagreements usually didn't happen this way, and we were both disgusted with the situation and feared the road that our relationship was taking. It was so intense that at one point, we both stopped arguing and asked each other what the hell we were doing. This was such a turning point in our relationship because we were mature enough, in the midst of turbulence, to realize the damage we were doing to each other and the relationship. The strength that came from this epiphany mid-fight is something we still talk about as amazing and enlightening, and we're both so proud we could pull ourselves from the 'dark side' of communicating to create a positive outcome.

LindsayMorris on May 22, 2011 at 5:57 AM

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T.Brannigan on May 22, 2011 at 11:35 AM

I can relate to your situation and experienced a relationship for two and half years. It was tough when we both went our separate ways.However, I fill the break up made us stronger in the long run. We were constantly having negative interpersonal communication and were having a hard time remaining friends. It was hard to even be friends after our break up because we would fall back into the habit of territory. If I saw her giving more attention to other guys then me, it would make me upset, vice versa. We decided it would be best if we just cut the communication overall.

Having time to ourselves I believe it helped us sit back and grow. It wasn't long before we were communicating again. Having conversation, what was once difficult to do after the break up came easy without any thought. During our talks we would also be very careful about the things we said to each other. It felt like we could actually remain friends.

To answer your question I believe negative interpersonal communication can develop you into an effective communicator in the long run. If you sit back and think about it you can see where you were going wrong with the negative interpersonal communication. It also helps prevent you from making the same mistakes over and over. I think with any relationship problem throughout life whether it's with friends, family, or loved ones there is a growing process. We learn from our mistakes and move forward. When your next romantic partner comes along you try not to make those same mistakes you have learned from. People can only give us so much positive advice but I think you will grow the most from the actual experiences in your life.

T.Brannigan on May 22, 2011 at 11:37 AM