I was the same as most high school seniors: graduating, attending college in the fall, getting ready to live on my own, and not have many rules to follow. James Madison was only a few weeks away as I packed up my last bag and box of all my high school and middle school memories. It was time for a new beginning, a time for me to meet new people and be the adult I finally felt I was at the age of eighteen.
That day came on August 16th: JMU was finally here! Now the hard part was finally meeting those new people and breaking down the barriers that would allow these girls and guys to become apart of my new life. I always felt like I was an outgoing person, but once I hit the JMU campus, I froze. I had no idea how to talk or meet new people. These people were all strangers to me that seemed so scary, but at the same time, I wanted them all to become apart of my inner circle, that inner circle I was so use to having in high school.
Here I am four years later, graduated from JMU and looking back on how I broke the barrier with all of the people I have now call my best friends. The advice I give to you is to take it slow, it may take two weeks or it may take two years, but if you follow these steps, I promise, you will adapt to your college in no time and before you know it you’ll be walking across that stage accepting your diploma and saying goodbye to the best four years of your life and hello to the next chapter (sigh)
1. The first step of disclosure and moving through the levels of intimacy is orientation. When you first meet someone, you involve yourself in low levels of depth and breadth in their conversation. You tend to stay at a superficial level that has a long duration but may only occur once. An example of this would be initial conversations with your roommates or the people living in your hall. The ‘“Hello, I’m so excited to finally be at college. Where are you from?”’ type questions. It becomes somewhat similar to speed dating (no I am not saying you have to date this person, just ask them questions as if you are trying to take them on a date), you’re asking multiple questions to find out as much about them without being too intrusive.
2. After your initial conversation with this person and the first layer is broken, you begin to feel that you have developed a closer relationship with him/her. You’ll then explore potential topics that will continue your conversation. This conversation can be brought up late at night after a great party, when you and your roommate are recollecting the great night. “That guy Brian, he was so good looking, he reminded me of my boyfriend friend from high school,” you say. Then your roommate replies, “How long did you guys date? Why did you break up?” This is not a time to dig into emotions. Instead, it’s a time where you should just disclose information that is more intense then the basics of where are you from. for example, you could ask, “What do you want to major in?” It’s a time for you to test out if this relationship will escalate and become something more than acquaintances.
3. The third step usually occurs weeks or months after your initial conversation. You have finally decided that this person is someone you trust. This stage is called affective exchange. Here, the breadth of depth of your conversation has increased drastically. You would compare this relationship with a relationship you have with your parents, siblings, best friends and/or significant others. Your trust in this person is almost at its max. You share with them past experiences and maybe even secrets that only other people at this same level may know.
4. The last stage that individuals go through is the stable exchange stage. Here, individuals engage in complete self-disclosure. They believe that all topics of conversation are fair game and that they trust the other person to keep the information between just two of them. Some people may not ever reach this stage or feel that it’s not necessary to disclose all information to another person. This level is usually reached after a significant amount of time together; months or even years. But don’t feel like its not a friendship if you don’t reach this stage, some people feel more comfortable just keeping some stuff to themselves.
Before going off to college, remember to give it time. Friendships don’t just bud over night. Remember that taking time and getting to know and trust someone is what is important in all relationship types; romantic or platonic. The people you meet in college will be your friends for life, so don’t rush it, you will know when you meet someone if they are worth opening up to and allowing to become part of your life. Trust me, you’re talking to a pro, I don’t know what JMU would have been like if I didn’t meet all of the people I did over the last four years.
Do you think that you have to go through all of these stages to develop a lasting friendship? Can people jump from Step 1 to Step 4 without reaching all in-between? If so, how?
Reference:
Knapp, M., & Vangelisti, A. (2008). Interpersonal communication and human relationships. Allyn & Baco.
McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate. New York, New York : Bedford/St. Martins.
