Why Aren't You Listening to Me?

You know how every person has that one thing that their parents do that just drives them up the wall? Mine is talking to my Mom on the phone. For some reason she just has not mastered the art of listening to the other person on a cell phone. During these conversations, I’ll fill her in on daily occurrences as well as things that are happening in the future or maybe things I need her to help me take care of. About eight out of ten times, if I bring up one of those topics in a later discussion, she’s convinced that the conversation never happened. Needless to say, this makes me absolutely crazy and inevitably ends with me asking the question, “Don’t you listen to me?”

When reading the chapter about active listening, I came across the section that talked about selective listening. I was immediately reminded of my conversations with my mother. According to the McCornack (2009), selective listening is when you’re “taking in only bits and pieces of information (those that are immediately salient) during an interpersonal encounter and dismissing the rest” ”(McCornack, 2009, p. 169). McCornack (2009) continues by stating that this is a natural part of human nature because of our fluctuating attention spans. Overcoming selective listening is a process that involves becoming an overall better listener by practicing and using different techniques.

The danger of being a selective listener is not only that it could frustrate the people with whom you communicate (i.e. my Mom!) but you could also miss really important parts of a conversation. Your boss could come up to you at work saying, “Congratulations, you’re the new project manager for this account!” and you are so excited about this accomplishment that you miss when the deadline is, who you will be working with, or any other type of important information related to the new project. A lapse in listening attention in the workplace could lead to co-workers thinking you are lazy or even to job loss.

Selectively listening can obviously be dangerous in your personal life and the workplace. It’s important to recognize if this seems to be a familiar pattern and attempt to regulate it. As McCornack (2009) mentions, it’s important to determine the reason for listening and adapt your listening style accordingly. It may not work all the time, but being able to recognize it may help you improve your skills, even for just minutes at a time.

Do you ever find yourself selectively listening to people? How do you attempt to become a more active listener if you have noticed this as a problem?

McCornack, S. (2009). Reflect and relate. New York, New York : Bedford/St. Martins

5 comments:

I do find that I do selectively listen to some people sometimes. Many times it's not exactly intentional, I just get caught up in my own thoughts. I find that when people, even myself, fall into selectively listening, it's usually because we are thinking about ourselves, what we need to do, or random thoughts inspired by the conversation that we revert back to ourselves. I do agree that it is a part of human nature and the complexity of the human brain, but I try to remind myself when this happens that I can think about myself later, and to focus on the person talking to me now, because I would want them to do the same for me.

Rachael on June 10, 2011 at 9:53 AM

I think selective listening is something we are all guilty of from time to time, but I definitely know some people who are more guilty than others! To overcome this negative listening trait, a person should focus only on what is relevent to the conversation. This is a concept called mental bracketing, and it would help in the case of your mother to have her reduce her distractions and focus only on what is important in your intended message. This will improve her understanding, responding, and future recall.

Skibum on June 10, 2011 at 9:55 AM

I have to admit that I have been known to engage in selective listening. My roommate now is always joking around that when she is talking, none of us are paying attention. It's a horrible habit that I feel terrible about but there are times where I am focusing on something or my mind is just wondering and I am only "half listening" to the conversation at hand. If I become aware that I am engaging in selective listening, I usually try to get back involved in the conversation. Sometimes I will do this by asking more questions so that she can elaborate on the subject as well as to give her feedback that I am in fact listening. Usually by asking questions, it becomes a two way conversation and I become more engaged. This helps my day dreaming and wondering mind to become more under control and I am usually more invested in the conversation at hand.

Like you say, selective listening can be dangerous to your personal life and the relationships you hold. Therefore, if I do catch myself engaging in selective listening, I try my best to fix it before the other person realizes it is occurring and ends up feeling hurt that I am not giving them my full attention.

Jamie on June 10, 2011 at 1:42 PM

I know exactly how you feel when you are talking on the phone with your mother. But I tend to be the one with the most selective listening when it comes to our phone conversations. I love my mother a lot but she also loves to ramble a lot too. I find myself selective listening to my parents, teachers, friends, and my brothers. I believe it is something we will do for the rest of our lives but we also don't mean any harm behind it. It's just that we want to keep the important facts out of the conversation which tends to lead to selective listening. I usually try and shut out other noise distractions and use more eye contact to become an active listener. Becoming a more active listener is an art I believe we will practice for the rest of our lives. I also try and give more in depth responses. Great picture and an awesome read!

T.Brannigan on June 12, 2011 at 2:30 PM

When I'm talking on the phone with my parents they NEVER seem to listen. HAHA I think that phone conversations are very hard for people to avoid selective hearing. There are many times when I feel that I am busy doing things while I'm on the phone. WHen I am driving and talking on the phone I know that I'm more concentrated on whats going on around me and not what they are saying on the other end.

higginsmk on June 12, 2011 at 5:07 PM